Penny Joelson - I Have No Secrets

Finn examines the box, opens it and tips all the matchsticks out. A huge beam spreads across his face. Finn rarely smiles and I have never seen a smile as big as this. I catch Dad’s eye – his grin is as big as Finn’s. Finn gets busy making a line of matchsticks that stretches the length of the living room.

‘Don’t give me matchsticks when it’s my birthday, will you?’ says Olivia.

Dad laughs.

We go into the kitchen and Mum lights the candles on the cake, but Finn is still lining up his matchsticks and won’t come in. In the end, Mum brings the cake carefully into the living room and Mum, Dad, Sarah and Olivia sing ‘Happy Birthday’. Finn doesn’t even look up, but I feel suddenly happy, with the brightness of the candles and the warmth of my family around me.

‘You can blow the candles out for him,’ Mum tells Olivia, and Olivia jumps up and down with excitement.

We go back to the kitchen to eat the cake, which is delicious, and Mum keeps a piece for Finn to have later.

Two hours after Finn opened the present, he and I are alone in the living room. Finn has moved on from lining the matchsticks up along the wall. He is now arranging them in what looks like a big square around my wheelchair – though I can only see part of it. It definitely has at least two right angles. I sense he is enclosing me completely. Now and then he looks at me and meets my eyes as if seeking my approval. I have never seen Finn make eye contact with anyone apart from me. I like being the centre of his play – I feel alive and connected in a way that is rare for me. I think Finn has completed one square as he is now starting a second one, right around the first. He has never made anything but straight lines before.

I hope Dad will come in – he’s going to be so impressed. I hear footsteps, but it’s Olivia who comes round in front of me and my heart sinks. She sometimes messes up Finn’s neat lines deliberately and I don’t think she’ll understand.

She gasps. ‘Wow, Finn! That’s amazing.’

She gets it! I am stunned and feel a bit guilty for assuming she wouldn’t. Then I hear her calling, ‘You lot, come and see! Come and see what Finn’s done!’

That’s exactly what I wanted to do. Sometimes it happens like that – I know what I want people to do and they do it – and it feels a bit like I can control things, just for a moment. Olivia’s thrilled to be the one who shares the news. Sarah appears first, then Mum and Dad.

They gather round and all ‘Wow!’ over what Finn has done. Dad tells him it’s brilliant and the others agree. I see Mum squeeze Dad’s hand and they share a smile. Finn continues, apparently oblivious, but I am sure he is pleased.

In this moment I feel full of love for them all: Mum, Dad, Sarah, Finn – and even Olivia. I don’t want anything to change.

12

I was on a high after Finn’s birthday until the morning when I remembered about the college visit on Wednesday. Sarah’s already started packing my bag. We’re going to stay overnight – Mum, Sarah and me – in a hotel. I am looking forward to having Mum and Sarah to myself for twenty-four hours, even though I can’t get rid of the worry about being sent away.

I’m trying to focus on the professor and the possibility of communication rather than the idea of actually going to Carlstone, so I feel calmer. But as the day goes on, I sense something isn’t right. I’ve got a pain in my back and my lower tummy. I might have an infection. That’s happened before and it can get really bad if no one notices.

As Sarah wheels me into the kitchen at dinner time I hear Mum telling Dad that the police have charged the man they were questioning.

‘That’s good news,’ says Sarah. ‘Who was it? Do they know why he did it?’

‘Why who did what?’ Olivia demands, coming in.

Mum gives Sarah a look as if she shouldn’t be asking such things in front of Olivia, which is a bit unfair as Olivia’s only just sneaked in and it was Mum who brought it up. I want to know more details too, but Dad changes the subject and starts marvelling about Finn’s amazing matchstick squares again. It’s so frustrating.

Olivia glowers. Everyone tenses. She’s like a lit firework that’ll go off with a bang at any moment.

Dad tries to distract her by asking her what she’d like for her birthday. She turns to him, her eyes wide with excitement. It’s not her birthday for three months, but this doesn’t seem to matter as she takes a deep breath and starts to reel off a very long list. A TV for her room, an iPad, a bigger doll’s house. Then Olivia adds, ‘That’s if I’m still here.’

Mum and Dad look at her in astonishment. ‘Of course you’ll still be here, love,’ says Dad. ‘This is your home. You’re not going anywhere.’

‘I’m not sure I can promise you any of those things for your birthday, though,’ Mum adds quickly, catching Dad’s eye. ‘You’ll have to wait and see.’

I suddenly realise that Olivia can rarely have had more than one birthday in one place. It must be hard for her to trust that she’s really here to stay.

At least Dad’s successfully distracted her from Sarah’s question about the murder suspect. I’m still thinking about it, though. Who have the police charged? If it’s Dan then Sarah will surely know soon. Or is it someone else altogether?

During the night I kept thinking about it until the pain in my stomach got so bad that I was only thinking about that. Now it’s there all the time rather than coming and going. I was willing Sarah to notice this morning, as I can usually rely on her to pick up on it when something’s not right. But she seemed distracted.

At school I am uncomfortable all day. Then something happens that stops me thinking about the pain altogether. About an hour after we get home Mum asks where Finn is. No one can find him.

Mum is looking upstairs, Dad downstairs and Sarah the garden. Olivia is ‘helping’ but clearly getting bored. Dad’s searched every cupboard, including the one under the stairs, twice.

Mum comes down. Her hair is all over the place and her eyes panicky. ‘He’s not here,’ she mutters. ‘He must have gone outside. He’s not here!’

Dad soothes her, stroking her back. ‘He’s around here somewhere, I’m sure of it. You know how good he is at hiding. He can’t open the front door.’

‘Maybe he slipped out when someone opened it,’ says Mum. She puts her hand to her mouth. ‘I went out the back to put some rubbish out. Could he have got out then?’

‘He’s not in the garden, though,’ says Dad, ‘and you didn’t unlock the gate, did you? He’s not tall enough to climb over the gate without standing on something.’

‘Finn?’ Mum calls. She‘s trying to sound calm but there’s a rough edge to her voice. ‘Come on out, love! You’re definitely the hide-and-seek winner.’

Mum and Dad are quiet, waiting, listening. There’s a sound on the stairs. Mum dashes round the banister . . .

‘Oh – Olivia! No sign of Finn?’

‘He’s probably gone out and walked into the road,’ Olivia announces. ‘He’s got no idea how to cross roads, has he?’

I hear Mum let out a gasp.

‘That’s enough, Olivia,’ says Dad.

‘I’ve been looking for him,’ Olivia protests. ‘Looking and looking. Just as hard as everyone else – except Jemma.’ She’s come into view now and gives a glance in my direction.

I am sitting in the lounge, facing out towards the hallway. I have been sitting like this the whole time, facing the cupboard under the stairs – the cupboard where Finn has been hiding for over an hour. I know he’s there. I saw him go in. He must be curled up so far into the dark back corner that Dad’s two expeditions inside have failed to reveal him.