Penny Joelson - I Have No Secrets

‘Really? What was so great about it?’ he asks.

‘Why do you care?’ Sarah asks. ‘It’s not your kind of film – you said so yourself.’

‘Just asking,’ he says.

There’s a pause. ‘Sorry,’ says Sarah, ‘I can’t chat now. I’m getting Jemma ready for bed. She’s not too well. I’ll call you later and tell you all about it, OK?’

‘Sure – speak later. Love you, babe!’

Sarah puts her phone in her pocket, then laughs. ‘I’ll have to look up some reviews online,’ she tells me. ‘I don’t even know who’s in it!’

9

‘Come on, Finn!’ Mum calls cheerfully as we reach the gate of the park.

When I woke up this morning I had this weird floaty feeling, like nothing in my life is real. I am apparently neither ill nor well. It doesn’t surprise me that my body’s behaving weirdly. All these thoughts have got to get out somehow. Sarah and Mum keep taking my temperature. ‘A bit under the weather’ is how Mum described me. We often go to the park on Saturdays and she said some fresh air might do me good.

‘We’ll go and see the ducks first,’ Mum tells Finn and Olivia.

If I could roll my eyes, I would. I liked being taken to see the ducks when I was six, but right now I’ve got other things on my mind. If we have to be here, I was hoping we were going to the park café. It’s at the top of the hill and I know it’s not easy to push me up there, but from the top you get a view right over the park. I like the feeling of being so high – on top of the world, looking down. From my wheelchair I so often feel low down, looking up at things.

Olivia skips ahead, Sarah’s pushing me, and Mum’s cajoling Finn – who is walking slowly, flapping his hand in front of his face. I think he likes the patterns of light it makes. Soon we reach the pond and we stop by the barrier, near a clump of early daffodils. I watch Olivia throw corn at the nearest ducks as if she’s trying to murder one. I’m sure she just said, ‘Yeah! Got it!’

Mum pushes corn into Finn’s hand and helps him aim, but the corn just drops on to the path. He isn’t really interested and starts to pull away towards the playground.

‘OK, Finn, just a minute,’ Mum tells him.

Sarah’s phone beeps. I bet it’s Dan texting her. I see her peeping at it when Mum’s not looking. I wish she’d tell me what he said.

When we’re in the playground, Sarah wheels me on to the wheelchair-accessible roundabout and pushes the bar gently so it begins to move, before she gets on and stands with me.

‘Just a gentle spin today, hey, Jemma?’

This roundabout is here because of my mum; she campaigned for it for years and I was so happy when it arrived. I used to like going fast. It’s not often I get to do anything fast. I’m too old for it now, though, and especially not today when my head is already spinning. At least Sarah moves it slowly.

‘I’ll push!’ Olivia says, running up.

‘Gently, Olivia,’ Sarah tells her. But she’s pushing too fast so I’m whirling even faster than the thoughts in my head. I want to stop. I want to get off. Now.

‘Olivia! Slow down!’ Sarah yells. She leaps off and brings it to a halt.

Olivia rushes away towards the climbing frame.

‘Sorry, Jemma! Are you OK?’ Sarah asks, touching my shoulder as she pulls the wheelchair off. I feel giddy and breathless. I want to go home. Sarah’s phone beeps with another message.

She parks me next to a bench where we can watch Finn on the swing. She turns me carefully to make sure the low sun isn’t in my eyes. The swing squeaks noisily. Finn would happily swing for an hour, maybe two, if he was allowed.

Sarah takes out her phone again and reads the new message. I wonder if she managed to convince Dan that she really went to the cinema.

Olivia runs round, going on everything. She demands that Mum watches her on the monkey bars and then on the climbing wall. She’s good at climbing as well as dancing.

I might definitely be too old for playgrounds, but I’d rather be here, with Mum and Sarah and Olivia and Finn, than packed off to some college.

I’m well wrapped in a warm coat and have a blanket over my knees, but I’m starting to feel cold. The fresh air is doing me no good at all, which is no surprise to me. I feel weak and muzzy-headed. The squeaking of the swing is hurting my ears.

Sarah looks up from her phone. ‘You’re very pale, Jemma.’

She goes over to Mum and asks if she can take me home.

Mum comes and looks at me and nods at Sarah. ‘Yes, you guys go – we won’t be far behind.’

Sarah pushes me along the pavement, past the local shops, the newsagent’s and the barber’s.

‘Oh, look! See that man coming out of the bookie’s?’ says Sarah. ‘I know him – it’s Billy.’

I’ve heard Sarah call that shop the bookie’s, though I’m not actually sure what they sell. I don’t think it’s books.

‘Hi, Billy!’ Sarah calls, as the man walks towards us. The man has his head down, but his shoulders jolt and he looks up sharply, then stops and smiles at her.

‘Sarah!’ he says. ‘You all right?’

Sarah’s mentioned Billy – he’s a friend of Dan’s. She said Dan calls him ‘Billy No Brains’ which sounded mean to me. Sarah just thought it was funny. My head’s really aching now. I hope she’s not going to have a long chat with him.

‘This is Jemma,’ Sarah tells him. ‘Jemma, this is Billy.’

Billy comes round in front of me and smiles at me too. He has a big head and his smile’s so wide it seems to take up most of his face. But he’s a friend of Dan’s, so I’m sure he can’t be that nice really.

‘Hi, Jemma. How ya doing?’ says Billy. He looks up at Sarah. ‘Dan’s well smitten, you know. He don’t say much, but I can tell!’

Sarah laughs. ‘Really?’

Thanks, Billy , I think crossly. I don’t need him telling her that. Come on, Sarah. Let’s go .

‘He’s a good bloke, you know. Takes care of his mates. Look, I gotta be off,’ says Billy. ‘Nice to see you.’

Good.

‘I’ve got to get Jemma home too,’ says Sarah. ‘She’s not well.’

‘Say hi to Dan from me,’ says Billy. ‘Hope you feel better, Jemma.’

10

At last we’re home and I’m glad to be inside in the warm. My worries slip away and my head feels better. I enjoy a peaceful five minutes in the lounge before I hear a wailing sound from outside. Mum’s key is in the door and the wailing gets louder.

‘Come on, inside,’ Mum is telling Olivia. I hear Finn run past and up the stairs. I think he finds Olivia’s tantrums as painful as I do.

‘It wasn’t my fault! That boy pushed in front of me!’ Olivia blubs.

‘You didn’t have to hit him, though, did you?’ Mum says.

Olivia has thrown herself on the floor and is kicking and screaming at the top of her voice, while Mum tries to calm her down. I wish I could yell and kick like that.

Mum and Olivia eventually go upstairs and the screaming becomes more distant.

By dinner time Olivia’s calmed down. I’m still not hungry, though. Sarah realises this when the food she’s spooning into my mouth just sits there and doesn’t go down.

‘Oh, Jem, you’re really not well, are you? I’ll take your temperature again.’

I don’t have a high temperature, which she soon finds out. After dinner, she leaves me in the lounge with Olivia and Finn. They are changed, ready for bed and watching TV in their dressing gowns. They look cosy and cute, curled up either end of the sofa. It’s 101 Dalmations and I’m half watching too, though I’m not really interested. We’ve seen it loads of times.

Someone’s at the front door and I hear Dad go to open it.