Penny Joelson - I Have No Secrets

And I hear Dan’s voice.

He’s here again .

‘I was just passing and I wondered if I could have a quick word with Sarah,’ Dan says. ‘It won’t take long, I promise.’

I wish Dad would just tell him to clear off.

‘I’ll call her,’ Dad says.

Dad leaves Dan waiting in the hall and goes to look for Sarah. But of course Dan doesn’t stay there. I hear his breathing as he comes into the living room. I will him to leave me alone.

‘Hiya, Jemma ,’ he says.

Olivia jumps and looks up from the telly. Finn’s eyes stay firmly fixed on the screen, as if he’s heard nothing.

‘What are you doing here?’ Olivia asks Dan.

‘Just popped in to see Sarah,’ Dan tells her.

‘You’re always popping in,’ Olivia comments. ‘Do you love her?’

I laugh. It comes out as a snort.

I’m curious to see how Dan reacts.

He doesn’t answer straight away.

Then, ‘Yes, I love her,’ he says. He says it like he actually means it.

Olivia giggles. ‘D’you wanna see me dance?’ she asks.

Dan moves round and I see him nod. ‘Go on, then.’ He looks longingly at the door. Maybe he wishes he’d stayed in the hall.

Olivia turns off the telly. Finn continues staring at the blank TV screen while she puts on some ballet music. She takes off her dressing gown and begins to dance in her pink pyjamas. Her steps are in perfect time, her toes pointed. Dan claps and she is delighted with the attention.

Then Sarah comes in.

‘Dan wanted to see me dance,’ Olivia tells her.

‘She’s good too,’ says Dan.

Olivia beams, hanging on to Dan’s arm. ‘He loves you,’ she tells Sarah. ‘I know cos he told me.’

Sarah smiles at Dan. ‘What’s up? It’s not the best time . . .’

He untangles himself from Olivia, pulls Sarah into his arms and kisses her – as if that is the answer to her question.

Olivia watches, standing right next to them. She giggles loudly again. ‘D’you want me to kiss you like that, Finn?’ She flings herself on to the sofa and pushes her lips towards him teasingly. Finn ducks and dashes upstairs.

‘Can we go somewhere more private?’ Dan asks. ‘Only for a minute. I won’t keep you from your work .’

He heads past me towards the door and I watch anxiously as Sarah follows. She moves quickly out of sight, but I can still hear her in the hallway, telling him we bumped into Billy. They must have moved further away or lowered their voices because I don’t hear any more.

Olivia watches them go too and turns to me, her face sullen. She didn’t want them to go off to talk ‘in private’ any more than I did. She starts practising her dance in front of me. I think she’s hoping to dance for Dan again before he goes. I hope he goes soon.

I watch Olivia dance. She looks almost angelic with her long wavy blonde hair, loose now after her bath, though usually tied back in a ponytail or plait.

She was in five different foster homes before she came here. Five! I can’t begin to imagine that. She’s lucky Mum and Dad have so much patience and can cope with her.

I hear Sarah and Dan in the hall. And so does Olivia. She stops mid-twirl and dashes out of the room. The front door clicks before she can get there and her screams pierce through the house as she yells at Sarah for not letting her say goodbye to Dan.

It takes Sarah at least five minutes to calm her down. ‘Come on, Olivia, time for bed,’ Sarah says in the end. I can still hear the occasional muted sob.

My head is pounding from the screaming. Olivia’s music is still playing and that doesn’t help either.

I sit waiting. The music finally comes to a stop. The house is peaceful at last. I am drifting off. My headache dulls from a throb to a slight pulsing. I’m hoping that when Sarah comes to put me to bed, she’ll tell me what Dan said – why he came.

Dad comes in after putting Finn to bed and puts the TV on, turning me so I am facing it.

‘ Mastermind ’s on,’ he says. ‘Let’s see how many we can answer.’

The first chosen subject is Agatha Christie. I can actually answer lots of the questions. I even get one right that the man in the chair gets wrong.

Mum comes in eventually and flops down on the sofa next to Dad. Dad puts his arm round her. Mum’s mobile rings. Dad sighs as Mum pulls it from her cardigan pocket.

‘Hello, Paula,’ Mum says. ‘How are you, love?’ There’s a long pause. ‘Really? Well that’s encouraging!’

‘What did she say?’ Dad asks, after Mum puts away her phone.

‘The police had a lot of calls after Crimewatch . Apparently they’ve been questioning someone today.’

‘Let’s hope he’s the one,’ says Dad. ‘It would be good to know he’s off the streets.’

Sarah is unusually quiet as she gets me ready for bed. Most likely Olivia has worn her out. Or maybe it’s what Dan said to her in private when he came round. It couldn’t have been Dan the police were questioning, could it? Was he telling Sarah he’s a suspect? Sarah is quiet, but she doesn’t seem shocked or upset. Then again, she’s under Dan’s spell, like everyone else, so I’m sure he could’ve convinced her that he had nothing to do with it. I wish she would talk to me.

11

Sarah is still quiet when she dresses me on Sunday morning. She doesn’t mention Dan. Mum and Dad say nothing more about Ryan or the man the police questioned. Everyone is busy getting ready for Finn’s sixth birthday.

Finn doesn’t like balloons, but Dad has found some ‘Happy Birthday’ bunting with alternating blue and yellow triangles. Finn is oblivious to the specialness of the day, and has no interest in the birthday cards so Olivia opens them for him. Finn is more interested in the coloured envelopes, and proceeds to line them up neatly across the floor. I watch him and at one point he looks up at me and meets my eyes. Although neither of us can speak, I feel close to Finn. I always have. I sense that he likes me watching him.

Mum and Olivia bake a cake. I enjoy the bustle in the kitchen and the lovely baking smells, especially the smell of melted chocolate, which Mum lets me taste from a spoon. Olivia is happy and doing what Mum tells her for a change. Mum is so patient with her, even when she spills a load of sugar on the floor. While the cake’s in the oven, Sarah takes Olivia for a walk to the shops and they come back with bags of little sweets and chocolate buttons to decorate it with. Olivia is ecstatic. Once the cake has cooled, Mum ices it with buttercream and Olivia lines up the sweets and chocolate buttons in neat rows saying, ‘Finn will like it like that.’ She puts the candles in a line across the middle.

‘It looks great,’ she announces, and rubs her tummy. ‘Yum, yum!’

‘You’ll have to wait until teatime,’ Mum warns, but once she’s left the room Olivia stays next to the cake, staring at it greedily.

She looks thoughtful, then carefully takes three chocolate buttons and three sweets from each row and moves the others along to cover the gaps. She stuffs the ones she’s taken into her mouth.

Mum comes back before Olivia can do it again.

Soon it’s time for Finn to open his presents. Dad showed me his present when he bought it and I’ve been looking forward to seeing Finn’s reaction. We all sit in the living room and watch as Finn opens the stripy wrapping paper parcel. He pulls out a huge box of matchsticks.

They’re not matches you light – but ones people use to make model ships with and things like that. There’s a picture of one on the box. When Dad showed me I didn’t get it at first – I couldn’t see Finn making model ships. But then Dad took out a few matchsticks and lined them up. Dad understands Finn.