Penny Joelson - I Have No Secrets

He has the letter in his hand. I get a surge of relief mixed with panic.

‘We’ve got something to tell you, Jemma,’ he says gently. ‘Something important.’

My heart is beating so fast. Suddenly I don’t want to hear – I don’t want to know.

‘We’ve had a letter,’ Dad continues, ‘from social services.’ He pauses, as if unsure how to carry on.

Mum sits down beside him. ‘Jemma, I know this is going to be a bit of a shock and I will explain why we haven’t told you before . . .’

I wait.

Dad reaches out and touches my hand. ‘You’ve got a sister, Jemma.’

What?

A sister?

Mum sighs and smiles. ‘Her name’s Jodi.’

I try to take it in. The shock is making me breathless. A sister. I was so sure it was my birth mum wanting to see me. A sister – a sister is something completely different.

‘The thing is,’ Mum continues, ‘we knew she wasn’t told about you. So we thought it might be upsetting for you to know about her. But she found your name mentioned in some papers and . . . I’m sorry, Jemma. It’s been hard to know what to do.’

They knew! All this time Mum and Dad have known that I have a sister. So many feelings are swirling round inside me. The thought of them not telling me makes me angry – but Mum’s right. It would have been hard knowing about her if she was never going to know about me. I am still in shock, but I’m curious too.

A sister. My sister. I start to wonder what she’s like – how old she is . . .

‘The papers Jodi found, they were her adoption papers,’ Mum continues. ‘You and Jodi were split up when you were taken into care. Your natural mum couldn’t cope – she had a lot of problems. She was very young, and on her own.’

I’ve sometimes imagined it – my mum giving me up. I could even picture her face, horrified at her own baby, unable to cope with what I was. But there were two of us – two children. That idea never entered my head. And she couldn’t look after my sister either. Is my sister disabled too? I’m not sure what to make of this – but I know it changes things. It changes everything.

‘Jodi’s been asking if she can . . . contact you,’ says Dad, drawing me out of my thoughts.

I get a surge of excitement that quickly sinks when I think what they would have had to tell Jodi – that I can’t exactly contact her back.

‘She’s been persistent, but we weren’t sure if it was a good idea,’ says Mum. ‘It’s so hard when you can’t tell us how you feel about it. . . . But we’ve told her about you, and we’ve said she can write to you. I hope it’s what you want, Jemma. I really do.’

My sister! I’m still finding it hard to believe that I have one. I wonder how much she’s been told about me. Will she really want to know me once she finds out what I’m like? I am thrilled, though. I can’t wait to know more about her. She’s going to write to me! My sister is going to write to me!

4

‘I still can’t believe you’ve got a sister and no one told you!’ Sarah exclaims, as she picks up a book to read to me in bed. ‘I knew nothing, Jemma. Your mum and dad never even mentioned her.’

I definitely believe her – if Mum and Dad had told Sarah about Jodi she’d have let something slip. She’d never keep something like that from me.

‘Me and my sister Kate,’ says Sarah, ‘we don’t always get on, but I can’t imagine growing up and not knowing her. I bet you can’t wait for a letter from Jodi!’

Sarah keeps mentioning Jodi over the next couple of days. It’s like she’s as excited as I am. I wish I could tell her how nervous it makes me, though. What if Jodi doesn’t write?

At least it means Sarah’s not talking about Dan so much. I can almost start to pretend he doesn’t exist. In fact, today Sarah isn’t talking at all – she’s concentrating as she battles to get my rebellious arms into the sleeves of a jumper. My muscle spasms are worse than usual because I’ve not been sleeping well. Thinking about my sister has been keeping me awake.

‘Tonight’s the night,’ she whispers. I wonder what she means. She’s not seeing Dan again, is she? She’s seeing so much of him I’m scared sometimes that she’s going to run off with him! But of course, she’d never do that.

‘I’m splitting up with Richard,’ she says. ‘It has to be done – I’m not being fair on him.’ She runs a brush quickly but gently through my short tangly hair. ‘I can’t keep putting it off. I know he’ll be gutted, though – he’s such a softy.’

At last Sarah is doing the right thing. It’s no good going out with someone just because you feel sorry for them. Now she just needs to dump Dan too! I wish she had more sense with men. She’s had a few boyfriends since she’s been here and they’ve all been hopeless. Like Jason, who was always borrowing money from her and never giving it back, and a guy called Mario who was only interested in football and a total bore. Next was wimpy Richard. And then Dan came along.

Sarah’s in her room getting ready to go out when the doorbell rings. She’s meeting Richard in town, so I know it’s not him. I’m in the living room, but the door’s open and for once I’m at an angle where I can see into the hall. Dad opens the front door. I hear Dan’s voice greeting him.

What’s he doing here? Sarah is definitely not expecting him.

Dad invites Dan in and I hear the front door shut, then I watch them as they chatter about the weather. When Dan sees Sarah all dressed up, what’s he going to think? He’ll get suspicious for sure. I strain to listen, but now Olivia’s started one of her tantrums. She’s lying on the floor somewhere behind me, kicking and screaming like a two-year-old except twice as loud.

I hear Dad call upstairs, ‘Sarah! Dan’s here!’

He’s assumed Sarah’s going out with Dan tonight!

At least he’s warned her – it would be awful if she came down and just found Dan in the hall. I have no idea what she’s going to do.

Thankfully Dan doesn’t come into the living room – I think Olivia’s screaming has put him off. Mum comes in to see what’s up with her, saying a quick hello to Dan as she passes. She turns my wheelchair round, which is annoying as I’d rather watch what’s happening in the hall than look at Olivia, who is lying on the floor at the far end of the room, pointing and screaming. Now I can see what’s upset her. One of her ballet shoes is trapped on the candelabra light fitting, near the ceiling. Finn must have thrown it up there. He’s got good aim.

Mum calms Olivia and says Dad will get it down. Finn is nowhere to be seen. Mum turns me to face the TV and switches it on. Then she pulls Olivia up gently, hugging her, and holds her hand to lead her out. I hear them going upstairs.

I’m conscious that Dan is still in the hall. Sarah calls to say she’ll be down in a few minutes. Then I hear Dan sigh. He walks into the room and goes straight to the telly and picks up the remote, flicking through channels. He’s acting as if I’m not even here. I wish I could say, ‘Oi! I was watching that!’ even though I wasn’t really.

He settles on the news. I don’t want the news. On the screen I can see a coffin being carried into a church. A reporter is speaking. It’s only when I hear him say the name Ryan Blake that I start paying attention properly.

Ryan – from down the road. It was his funeral today. I want to know what the police have found out. Mum and Dad think Ryan might have been into drugs.

‘Police are still appealing for witnesses,’ the reporter continues, ‘and his parents are pleading for anyone who knows anything to come forward.’

Dan suddenly turns towards me.