Penny Joelson - I Have No Secrets

‘Do you really think so?’ Paula sobs.

When we were little, Ryan used to stick his tongue out at me if he passed me in the street. Then when he got a bit older, he called me ‘Spaz’ or ‘Spazzie’ or worse things. He even spat at me once.

I don’t miss Ryan, but obviously I feel horrible for Paula. Ryan was a loser, but he was still her son – and Graeme’s.

I look at Graeme. He’s like a block of stone.

Paula sips her tea. ‘I can’t bear the thought that the monster who did it is walking around free. I might pass him in the street and never know.’

Dan’s face comes into my mind. Yes, you might , I think. He was here – he was here in this house , I want to tell Paula. A sound comes out of my mouth, a strained gurgle. Paula glances at me and quickly away again.

I wish I could tell them what he said. Just in case. I don’t know if Dan and Ryan even knew each other. They’re very different. And Dan doesn’t seem like he’d be involved with drugs and gangs and stuff. Or maybe he’s just good at hiding it. ‘We’d better be off,’ Graeme says gruffly.

Paula turns and gives him a bewildered look as if to say, ‘Off where? Off for what? What is there to be off for?’

But she pulls herself up from the chair and Graeme helps her on with her coat.

‘At least the Crimewatch thing might help,’ I hear Mum say, as she sees them out. ‘Let’s just hope someone calls in and the police get a lead.’

So Ryan’s murder is going to be on Crimewatch ! Maybe that will make everything clear. I hope Mum and Dad will let me watch it. I’ve never seen it, but I know about it – how they reconstruct crimes, and people watching can phone up if they know anything. Maybe there will be some clue that will tell me if Dan really did it – and if he did, then Sarah or Mum or Dad or someone else watching will surely realise it was him.

7

Sarah greets me when the minibus drops me back from school on Tuesday, with a smile even bigger than her usual cheerful one.

‘Ooh, Jem! A letter’s come from your sister!Your mum hasn’t opened it. She’s waiting for you. But I hope she’ll show me later! I’m dying to know what she’s said.’

Sarah wheels me into the kitchen, announcing ‘Jemma’s home!’ to Mum. She doesn’t go – I think she’s hoping Mum will let her stay.

‘Thanks, Sarah,’ says Mum.

Sarah shoots me a pretend annoyed look and leaves, closing the door after her.

We sit at the kitchen table and Mum carefully opens the white envelope.

My heart thuds.

‘Are you ready for this?’ Mum asks.

She puts the letter down so I can see it.

‘ Dear Jemma ,’ she reads. ‘ I didn’t know you existed until a few months ago. I found some papers in a drawer that were about me. One of them had your name on it under mine. My name is Jodi and I am your sister! ’

Mum pauses and looks up at me, before continuing.

‘ In fact, more than that, Jemma. We are twins! ’

Twins? Mum never told me that.

‘ We must have been born only minutes apart ,’ Mum reads. ‘ The thing is – I’ve always had this weird feeling – like something was missing. When I found out about you I thought – this is it! This explains it. I have a twin sister. We spent nine months together before we were born and we’ve been separated ever since. ’

Missing? I’ve never felt that. But maybe that’s because so much else is missing for me – like legs and arms that work and a voice.

Mum is still reading.

‘ Now I’m going to tell you some stuff about me. I live in Enfield – only a few miles from you! I live with my mum and dad (the ones who adopted me), but I don’t have any brothers or sisters. I’ve ALWAYS wanted a sister.

‘ Favourite things. Colour – purple. Food – ice-cream sundae. Sport – hockey (I play for the school team). Pet – cat (mine’s called Fluff – she really is like a fluffy white bundle and I love her to bits! She went missing last year and was found up a tree after three days!). People – my best friend, Ava, my boyfriend, Jack, and my parents too. They are lovely and even though I was angry that they didn’t tell me about you and they were upset that I found out, they’ve calmed down now and said they’re sorry that they didn’t tell me before.

‘ There’s so much more I could write, but I’ll stop now as I’ve got tons of homework.

‘ I know you have disabilities and that you can’t write back. I’ve been told about that. It’s no big deal. Don’t worry, I’ll keep writing!

‘ I’ve put in a photo of me, though our printer at home is rubbish and it’s come out a bit dark. I’ll try to find a better photo – and maybe next time I’ll send you a picture of Fluff too!

‘ I will write again soon.

‘ Love, Jodi x. ’

Mum holds the photo so I can see it. It’s kind of blurry, but Jodi has dark hair like mine and her eyes are a bit like mine too. She looks pretty.

‘I’ll reply for you, Jemma,’ says Mum. ‘And I’ll encourage Jodi to keep writing. We’ll take things slowly and hopefully one day you’ll be able to meet her.’

I’m only half listening. I can’t take my eyes off the photo. That’s my sister – my twin sister!

Mum puts the photo by my bed and looking at it and thinking about the letter keeps me happy for the next couple of days. I am sleeping better too. It is almost enough to stop me thinking about Dan. But when Thursday evening comes I am desperate for Dad to let me stay in the lounge to watch Crimewatch .

Sarah’s upstairs putting Finn and Olivia to bed and Mum’s getting her coat on to go to Weightwatchers. She’s been trying to eat healthily, but I know her secret – I see her hide bars of chocolate between the books on the highest shelf in the lounge.

I’m hoping my limbs stay still and no sounds escape my mouth so she’ll forget I’m here as Dad is more likely to let me watch Crimewatch than Mum. But Mum comes to say goodbye to me and then turns to Dad.

‘I’m not sure Jemma should see it,’ she says. ‘It might upset her.’

‘She’s fourteen,’ says Dad. ‘I bet she’d be interested to see it, wouldn’t you, Jemma?’ He turns to me and back to Mum. ‘It’s not as if she hasn’t heard us all talk about it.’

I wish I could hug Dad.

Mum still looks uncertain. She glances from Dad to me and back again.

Please!

‘All right, then,’ says Mum. ‘Hopefully I’ll be back in time, but if not you’ll have to fill me in.’

When it starts, I’m disappointed that Sarah isn’t here – but Dad calls her, and she brings a basket of washing in with her to fold, and sits on the armchair.

Mum gets back just as they start showing Ryan’s case and she hurries in, still in her coat.

‘Put on two pounds,’ she sighs, and I hear the sofa creak as she sits down next to Dad.

‘Four weeks ago,’ the presenter says, ‘nineteen-year-old Ryan Blake was brutally stabbed to death in Walden Cross. The culprit and motive remain a mystery. Witnesses have helped to make the reconstruction that you are about to see.’

They show actors, including one I can clearly see is meant to be Ryan, drinking in a local pub, the Hare and Hound. Then Ryan and his friends leave and gradually split up until Ryan is left with one friend, who then heads off for home. Instead of going home himself, Ryan doubles back. No one knows why he did this. He heads down a side street, though they’re not sure which one he actually went down – and comes out somewhere behind the station.

That was where his body was found.