GEORGE SHAW - Collected Works

Caesar is standing on the step at the parapet looking out anxiously, evidently ill at ease. Britannus comes out of the lighthouse door.

RUFIO. Well, my British islander. Have you been up to the top?

BRITANNUS. I have. I reckon it at 200 feet high.

RUFIO. Anybody up there?

BRITANNUS. One elderly Tyrian to work the crane; and his son, a well conducted youth of 14.

RUFIO ( looking at the chain ). What! An old man and a boy work that! Twenty men, you mean.

BRITANNUS. Two only, I assure you. They have counterweights, and a machine with boiling water in it which I do not understand: it is not of British design. They use it to haul up barrels of oil and faggots to burn in the brazier on the roof.

RUFIO. But——

BRITANNUS. Excuse me: I came down because there are messengers coming along the mole to us from the island. I must see what their business is. ( He hurries out past the lighthouse. )

CAESAR ( coming away from the parapet, shivering and out of sorts ). Rufio: this has been a mad expedition. We shall be beaten. I wish I knew how our men are getting on with that barricade across the great mole.

RUFIO ( angrily ). Must I leave my food and go starving to bring you a report?

CAESAR ( soothing him nervously ). No, Rufio, no. Eat, my son. Eat. ( He takes another turn, Rufio chewing dates meanwhile. ) The Egyptians cannot be such fools as not to storm the barricade and swoop down on us here before it is finished. It is the first time I have ever run an avoidable risk. I should not have come to Egypt.

RUFIO. An hour ago you were all for victory.

CAESAR ( apologetically ). Yes: I was a fool—rash, Rufio—boyish.

RUFIO. Boyish! Not a bit of it. Here. ( Offering him a handful of dates. )

CAESAR. What are these for?

RUFIO. To eat. That’s what’s the matter with you. When a man comes to your age, he runs down before his midday meal. Eat and drink; and then have another look at our chances.

CAESAR ( taking the dates ). My age! ( He shakes his head and bites a date. ) Yes, Rufio: I am an old man—worn out now—true, quite true. ( He gives way to melancholy contemplation, and eats another date. ) Achillas is still in his prime: Ptolemy is a boy. ( He eats another date, and plucks up a little. ) Well, every dog has his day; and I have had mine: I cannot complain. ( With sudden cheerfulness ) These dates are not bad, Rufio. ( Britannus returns, greatly excited, with a leathern bag. Caesar is himself again in a moment. ) What now?

BRITANNUS ( triumphantly ). Our brave Rhodian mariners have captured a treasure. There! ( He throws the bag down at Caesar’s feet. ) Our enemies are delivered into our hands.

CAESAR. In that bag?

BRITANNUS. Wait till you hear, Caesar. This bag contains all the letters which have passed between Pompey’s party and the army of occupation here.

CAESAR. Well?

BRITANNUS ( impatient of Caesar’s slowness to grasp the situation ). Well, we shall now know who your foes are. The name of every man who has plotted against you since you crossed the Rubicon may be in these papers, for all we know.

CAESAR. Put them in the fire.

BRITANNUS. Put them—( he gasps )!!!!

CAESAR. In the fire. Would you have me waste the next three years of my life in proscribing and condemning men who will be my friends when I have proved that my friendship is worth more than Pompey’s was—than Cato’s is. O incorrigible British islander: am I a bull dog, to seek quarrels merely to shew how stubborn my jaws are?

BRITANNUS. But your honor—the honor of Rome——

CAESAR. I do not make human sacrifices to my honor, as your Druids do. Since you will not burn these, at least I can drown them. ( He picks up the bag and throws it over the parapet into the sea. )

BRITANNUS. Caesar: this is mere eccentricity. Are traitors to be allowed to go free for the sake of a paradox?

RUFIO ( rising ). Caesar: when the islander has finished preaching, call me again. I am going to have a look at the boiling water machine. ( He goes into the lighthouse. )

BRITANNUS ( with genuine feeling ). O Caesar, my great master, if I could but persuade you to regard life seriously, as men do in my country!

CAESAR. Do they truly do so, Britannus?

BRITANNUS. Have you not been there? Have you not seen them? What Briton speaks as you do in your moments of levity? What Briton neglects to attend the services at the sacred grove? What Briton wears clothes of many colors as you do, instead of plain blue, as all solid, well esteemed men should? These are moral questions with us.

CAESAR. Well, well, my friend: some day I shall settle down and have a blue toga, perhaps. Meanwhile, I must get on as best I can in my flippant Roman way. ( Apollodorus comes past the lighthouse. ) What now?

BRITANNUS ( turning quickly, and challenging the stranger with official haughtiness ). What is this? Who are you? How did you come here?

APOLLODORUS. Calm yourself, my friend: I am not going to eat you. I have come by boat, from Alexandria, with precious gifts for Caesar.

CAESAR. From Alexandria!

BRITANNUS ( severely ). That is Caesar, sir.

RUFIO ( appearing at the lighthouse door ). What’s the matter now?

APOLLODORUS. Hail, great Caesar! I am Apollodorus the Sicilian, an artist.

BRITANNUS. An artist! Why have they admitted this vagabond?

CAESAR. Peace, man. Apollodorus is a famous patrician amateur.

BRITANNUS ( disconcerted ). I crave the gentleman’s pardon. ( To Caesar ) I understood him to say that he was a professional. ( Somewhat out of countenance, he allows Apollodorus to approach Caesar, changing places with him. Rufio, after looking Apollodorus up and down with marked disparagement, goes to the other side of the platform. )

CAESAR. You are welcome, Apollodorus. What is your business?

APOLLODORUS. First, to deliver to you a present from the Queen of Queens.

CAESAR. Who is that?

APOLLODORUS. Cleopatra of Egypt.

CAESAR ( taking him into his confidence in his most winning manner ). Apollodorus: this is no time for playing with presents. Pray you, go back to the Queen, and tell her that if all goes well I shall return to the palace this evening.

APOLLODORUS. Caesar: I cannot return. As I approached the lighthouse, some fool threw a great leathern bag into the sea. It broke the nose of my boat; and I had hardly time to get myself and my charge to the shore before the poor little cockleshell sank.

CAESAR. I am sorry, Apollodorus. The fool shall be rebuked. Well, well: what have you brought me? The Queen will be hurt if I do not look at it.

RUFIO. Have we time to waste on this trumpery? The Queen is only a child.

CAESAR. Just so: that is why we must not disappoint her. What is the present, Apollodorus?

APOLLODORUS. Caesar: it is a Persian carpet—a beauty! And in it are—so I am told—pigeons’ eggs and crystal goblets and fragile precious things. I dare not for my head have it carried up that narrow ladder from the causeway.

RUFIO. Swing it up by the crane, then. We will send the eggs to the cook; drink our wine from the goblets; and the carpet will make a bed for Caesar.

APOLLODORUS. The crane! Caesar: I have sworn to tender this bale of carpet as I tender my own life.

CAESAR ( cheerfully ). Then let them swing you up at the same time; and if the chain breaks, you and the pigeons’ eggs will perish together. ( He goes to the chain and looks up along it, examining it curiously. )

APOLLODORUS ( to Britannus ). Is Caesar serious?