GEORGE SHAW - Collected Works

CLEOPATRA ( eagerly ). Ftatateeta: I have thought of something. I want a boat—at once.

FTATATEETA. A boat! No, no: you cannot. Apollodorus: speak to the Queen.

APOLLODORUS ( gallantly ). Beautiful Queen: I am Apollodorus the Sicilian, your servant, from the bazaar. I have brought you the three most beautiful Persian carpets in the world to choose from.

CLEOPATRA. I have no time for carpets to-day. Get me a boat.

FTATATEETA. What whim is this? You cannot go on the water except in the royal barge.

APOLLODORUS. Royalty, Ftatateeta, lies not in the barge but in the Queen. ( To Cleopatra ) The touch of your majesty’s foot on the gunwale of the meanest boat in the harbor will make it royal. ( He turns to the harbor and calls seaward ) Ho there, boatman! Pull in to the steps.

CLEOPATRA. Apollodorus: you are my perfect knight; and I will always buy my carpets through you. ( Apollodorus bows joyously. An oar appears above the quay; and the boatman, a bullet-headed, vivacious, grinning fellow, burnt almost black by the sun, comes up a flight of steps from the water on the sentinel’s right, oar in hand, and waits at the top. ) Can you row, Apollodorus?

APOLLODORUS. My oars shall be your majesty’s wings. Whither shall I row my Queen?

CLEOPATRA. To the lighthouse. Come. ( She makes for the steps. )

SENTINEL ( opposing her with his pilum at the charge ). Stand. You cannot pass.

CLEOPATRA ( flushing angrily ). How dare you? Do you know that I am the Queen?

SENTINEL. I have my orders. You cannot pass.

CLEOPATRA. I will make Caesar have you killed if you do not obey me.

SENTINEL. He will do worse to me if I disobey my officer. Stand back.

CLEOPATRA. Ftatateeta: strangle him.

SENTINEL ( alarmed—looking apprehensively at Ftatateeta, and brandishing his pilum ). Keep off, there.

CLEOPATRA ( running to Apollodorus ). Apollodorus: make your slaves help us.

APOLLODORUS. I shall not need their help, lady. ( He draws his sword. ) Now soldier: choose which weapon you will defend yourself with. Shall it be sword against pilum, or sword against sword?

SENTINEL. Roman against Sicilian, curse you. Take that. ( He hurls his pilum at Apollodorus, who drops expertly on one knee. The pilum passes whizzing over his head and falls harmless. Apollodorus, with a cry of triumph, springs up and attacks the sentinel, who draws his sword and defends himself, crying ) Ho there, guard. Help!

Cleopatra, half frightened, half delighted, takes refuge near the palace, where the porters are squatting among the bales. The boatman, alarmed, hurries down the steps out of harm’s way, but stops, with his head just visible above the edge of the quay, to watch the fight. The sentinel is handicapped by his fear of an attack in the rear from Ftatateeta. His swordsmanship, which is of a rough and ready sort, is heavily taxed, as he has occasionally to strike at her to keep her off between a blow and a guard with Apollodorus. The Centurion returns with several soldiers. Apollodorus springs back towards Cleopatra as this reinforcement confronts him.

CENTURION ( coming to the sentinel’s right hand ). What is this? What now?

SENTINEL ( panting ). I could do well enough for myself if it weren’t for the old woman. Keep her off me: that is all the help I need.

CENTURION. Make your report, soldier. What has happened?

FTATATEETA. Centurion: he would have slain the Queen.

SENTINEL ( bluntly ). I would, sooner than let her pass. She wanted to take boat, and go—so she said—to the lighthouse. I stopped her, as I was ordered to; and she set this fellow on me. ( He goes to pick up his pilum and returns to his place with it. )

CENTURION ( turning to Cleopatra ). Cleopatra: I am loth to offend you; but without Caesar’s express order we dare not let you pass beyond the Roman lines.

APOLLODORUS. Well, Centurion; and has not the lighthouse been within the Roman lines since Caesar landed there?

CLEOPATRA. Yes, yes. Answer that, if you can.

CENTURION ( to Apollodorus ). As for you, Apollodorus, you may thank the gods that you are not nailed to the palace door with a pilum for your meddling.

APOLLODORUS ( urbanely ). My military friend, I was not born to be slain by so ugly a weapon. When I fall, it will be ( holding up his sword ) by this white queen of arms, the only weapon fit for an artist. And now that you are convinced that we do not want to go beyond the lines, let me finish killing your sentinel and depart with the Queen.

CENTURION ( as the sentinel makes an angry demonstration ). Peace there. Cleopatra. I must abide by my orders, and not by the subtleties of this Sicilian. You must withdraw into the palace and examine your carpets there.

CLEOPATRA ( pouting ). I will not: I am the Queen. Caesar does not speak to me as you do. Have Caesar’s centurions changed manners with his scullions?

CENTURION ( sulkily ). I do my duty. That is enough for me.

APOLLODORUS. Majesty: when a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

CENTURION ( angry ). Apollodorus——

APOLLODORUS ( interrupting him with defiant elegance ). I will make amends for that insult with my sword at fitting time and place. Who says artist, says duelist. ( To Cleopatra ) Hear my counsel, star of the east. Until word comes to these soldiers from Caesar himself, you are a prisoner. Let me go to him with a message from you, and a present; and before the sun has stooped half way to the arms of the sea, I will bring you back Caesar’s order of release.

CENTURION ( sneering at him ). And you will sell the Queen the present, no doubt.

APOLLODORUS. Centurion: the Queen shall have from me, without payment, as the unforced tribute of Sicilian taste to Egyptian beauty, the richest of these carpets for her present to Caesar.

CLEOPATRA ( exultantly, to the Centurion ). Now you see what an ignorant common creature you are!

CENTURION ( curtly ). Well, a fool and his wares are soon parted. ( He turns to his men ) Two more men to this post here; and see that no one leaves the palace but this man and his merchandize. If he draws his sword again inside the lines, kill him. To your posts. March.

He goes out, leaving two auxiliary sentinels with the other.

APOLLODORUS ( with polite goodfellowship ). My friends: will you not enter the palace and bury our quarrel in a bowl of wine? ( He takes out his purse, jingling the coins in it. ) The Queen has presents for you all.

SENTINEL ( very sulky ). You heard our orders. Get about your business.

FIRST AUXILIARY. Yes: you ought to know better. Off with you.

SECOND AUXILIARY ( looking longingly at the purse—this sentinel is a hooknosed man, unlike his comrade, who is squab faced ). Do not tantalize a poor man.

APOLLODORUS ( to Cleopatra ). Pearl of Queens: the Centurion is at hand; and the Roman soldier is incorruptible when his officer is looking. I must carry your word to Caesar.

CLEOPATRA ( who has been meditating among the carpets ). Are these carpets very heavy?

APOLLODORUS. It matters not how heavy. There are plenty of porters.

CLEOPATRA. How do they put the carpets into boats? Do they throw them down?

APOLLODORUS. Not into small boats, majesty. It would sink them.

CLEOPATRA. Not into that man’s boat, for instance? ( Pointing to the boatman. )

APOLLODORUS. No. Too small.

CLEOPATRA. But you can take a carpet to Caesar in it if I send one?