Daniela Jodorf - Kashi

“And like any other spiritual science, the science of music is the science of pure love!”, he spoke in a soft adjuratory voice.

Paul experienced a strong sensation of energy in his entire body, but most of all in his chest. The boatman´s words had a direct effect on Paul´s inner state. This man was so special, so alive, so gentle, so benevolent. He did not show any sign of the aloofness, that made it so difficult for Paul to trust Karen Garin.

“It can purify the mind and the heart and lead to the ultimate realization. But – and I am sure Karen told you so – at first the purification process can be very painful. Many hidden sufferings will emerge from the subconscious mind, many unknown secrets that the psyche has locked into the dark room of repression. Acknowledging that what the psyche did not want to accept, leads to a liberation of life-energy and an opening of consciousness, which is indescribable.”

The boat had reached a small wooden pier. The man tied his boat to the rotten woods and climbed out sportively. Paul followed him curiously. They reached a small hut made of bamboo sticks and canvas at the end of the ramshackle quay. Blankets and cushions were draped on the ground of the tent and Paul spotted a sitar in the back. The boatman got on his knees and crawled into the far back of the little hut. He took the sitar and brought it to Paul.

“She is yours now, Paul. Take good care of her. This is the instrument, which will liberate your soul.”

Suddenly, Paul held his cello in his hands and passed it to the old man who in turn handed the sitar over to him. “From now on, you cannot follow your ego anymore, your worldly desires. You can only follow your soul, which will lead you to the soul of music. In the end you will discover that both are one! Inshallah, brother. Go with God now. You are safe, trust me and learn to trust Karen”

Paul woke up feeling calm and deeply relaxed. His mind was at peace, and he wished this state would never pass. He could not remember, if he had ever felt as serene, as safe and secure before. He was bright awake at three o´clock in the morning, got up, put on a warm sweater and took his computer back to bed. He needed to know if the place he had just seen in his dream really existed. The dream had been so realistic and authentic, very vivid and touching. It almost felt like he had traveled to that place, rather than dreamed of it.

He quickly found images of Varanasi, the old city along the Ganges, the broad and slowly flowing river, the wide sandy bank on the other shore. It looked exactly the way he had dreamed it. The feeling of calmness grew when he flipped through the images of the ancient Indian town that showed the same ochre, red and orange colors that had dominated his dream images. He recognized several houses he had seen in his dream and the wooden rowing boats looked exactly like that of boatman. Paul tried to remember if he had ever seen pictures of Varanasi before, but he did not have a clue. And even if he had seen the town in the north-western India in the past, he still would never have been able to describe it as accurately and detailed as he had experienced it in the dream. This distinction was important. Paul began to see a meaningful message in his dream – a call to follow Karen Garin´s invitation to India.

Strong fear captured Paul, a fear so existentially threatening, that he did not find a better response than flight. He got dressed carelessly, put on his coat and cap and ran down the staircase, out of the hotel into the dark and empty streets of early morning Berlin. He did not care where he ran, he just wanted to get away, knowing that his action was futile and yet not being able to stop. In his mind images of Karen Garin, sitars, the boatman and Varanasi mixed in an endless stream of images that he could not stop willingly.

It was five in the morning now, and he began to feel exhausted from the long aimless walk. “Berlin”, he thought desperately, “what have you got in store for me?” But to his own surprise, he did not wish, he had never come to Berlin. It was good to be here, and it was right, he felt. He slowed down his exhausting pace and began to perceive the outer world again. The apartments were still dark. People slept undisturbed, he thought jealously. “Why am I so much afraid”, he asked himself. “What is so frightening in my experience, that I need to run from it? I don´t want to change”, he thought again. “I don´t want my life to change.”

He had had a strong resistance to change since early childhood. He had been five when his family had moved to a new neighborhood in Boston. Paul had refused to go outside for more than a month. Only when school had started he had agreed to go, but not because he had given in. This is why his divorce was so painful for him, too. Paul had thought he would be with his family forever. The possibility of change did not occur to him, and when it was impossible to avoid, it felt like a devastating defeat. "You can not run away anymore", his inner voice told him. "This change is – more than any other change before – the most important one in your life. If you allow it, it will set you free!"

It was decided. He would go to India. He had to give it a try. What could he lose? One sentence of last night's dream echoed in Paul´s mind: “From now on, you cannot follow your ego anymore, your worldly desires. You can only follow your soul, which will lead you to the soul of music.” And – truly – for the first time in his life, Paul felt, that he followed the real needs of his soul, searching for openness, curiosity, growth, and evolvement. He left the worldly path and stepped on the spiritual road of growing inner awareness without knowing where he was heading.

Paul walked into the Indian embassy to apply for a tourist visa before midday. When he picked it up in the afternoon, his flight to Delhi was already booked for next Monday. Paul had decided not to return to New York before. He only had to make a few important phone calls, first of all with his son. Sean took the change of plans more coolly than Paul had expected.

“Don´t worry, Dad. My friend David invited me to his house in San Diego. He lives right on the beach, and we can go surfing anytime. Mom said you would be too disappointed if I don´t go to see you in New York, but honestly Dad, New York is terrible in winter. I am not too keen on skating in Central Park. Next time you should come to California."

Paul laughed, feeling assuaged. “You are absolutely right, son. I will come as soon as I am back from India.”

“What are you up to there anyways?” Sean wanted to know.

“I have no idea!”

“No concert, no composition for Bollywood?”

“No. This is a private trip. I have been invited by a sitar player.”

“Wow. A private trip. Have a good time, Dad. And see you in L.A.!

“See you, Sean. Love you!”

“Love you too, Dad.”

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