StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Crazy Detective. Funny detective

– Ay, I’ll call myself. – threw a nail on his left hand, and a hammer on his anvil, where the nails are leveled, with his right hand for recycling. He was shocked by the “bell” chime and startled … – But if he sends me? – Ottila examined his household courtyard, where in front of him were: a gate in front of him, a bath to the right with a courtyard guard dog staring dumbly at the owner from a hole attached to the side shed.

– Polkan! Ottila called out. The dog closed his eyes. – Kel, – the dog jerked his ear, – Jyat, jyat! – The dog closed its eyes with its paw, – Kel Manda, Katyam James! – The dog climbed into the booth. – Here, bitch! – In Russian, Klop was upset. It was upset, but not offended. After all, women are offended, and men are upset, he and his father thought. But he was upset and took the stone from the fence of the flower bed.

– Polkan. – booms, took the second, and rolled first – Palkan!! – boom, boom, – Polkan!!! – booms, booms, booms, – Get out the bastard!!!! – booms, booms, booms, booms, booms, etc., until the stones in the flower border have run out.

– Aaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! – the dog bellowed in pain and whined. Even the neighbors heard the cheekbones. Ottila sat contentedly and exhaled oxygen from her lungs. Further, the review saw him behind the fence, and on the left – the entrance to the residential part of the hut.

– Ottila, they came to you! – shouted from the threshold of Isolde. The bug turned around. The wife stood at attention in the front doorway. From under the skirt, a cute face of Izi suddenly appeared. He was already seventeen. And she smiled sweetly with Caucasian eyes.

– What are you doing there? – asked the overwhelmed dad – biological stepfather.

– Well, get out from under the skirt! – She slapped her hand on the head and shoved her head into herself. Baska has disappeared.

– Call them here. Ottila answered and, taking the nail in his left hand, began to straighten it with a hammer.

From far away in the hut there was an eerie, dull thud. Soon, Incephalopath appeared, dragging the criminal by the scruff of the neck. He pulled it onto the porch and threw it into the center of the household yard. The criminal rolled like a ball into the center.

– Who is it? – asked, killed by the sun Ottila.

– Here, here, the cartridge. Oooh! Caught, apchi, in the act. Oooh. Oooh.

– What did he do? – reluctantly asked the precinct.

– He, he, apchi, in the dump hemp rub, apchi, understand.

– How ter? – The bug raised his eyes to the guy and mechanically hit his thumb with a hammer. – Ah, fuck!

– He’s lying. – The detained Idot whimpered by the name of Kolomiyytso, the son of Pankrat, the Ataman of the Local Cossacks and Wildlife Conservation.

– You, Idot, do not buzu, the field was plowed. Repented, just hit. Klop barked.

– Yes, I do not rub! – sobbed Idot. – “Kick from my dad will be.” – flew in his head thinking.

– Well, what, will we call the father? Apchi, – Asked the breathless Intsephalopath.

– Did you drag him from a neighboring area? Bedbug asked and pounded with a hammer, leveling the nail.

“No, apchi,” sweated Arutun Karapetovich swept his head. – he is here, in the rubbish dump.

– Well, so what are we going to do? Ah, Idot?? – The bug clenched his teeth and again drove on the same finger with a hammer. – … Get up!!! When I’m talking to you. Do not build a worm from yourself, an insect, what, do you go to your plans?

– No. – Idot stopped crying, but was still afraid.

– What were you doing there? Ottila asked sarcastically, pulling eyelids over his eye sockets and narrowing them, like a Chinese man had. – Jerking off? – pulled out a smile Klop. – Answer! – through an instant cried Ottila again.

– I, I think …, shit. – Idot admitted and looked at Arutun, waiting for the order of execution. And this one, “he nodded his head,” I was by the scruff of the neck, so I shabby my pants, I didn’t have time to wipe my ass, so I hit the bash shack in my pants and got rubbed on the frogs. Now it’s burning.

Ottila swallowed.

– What did you bring him? He’s still shit from a kilometer from him.

– So he, apchi, am saving up, rubbing …!? – replied Intsephalopath. – Look at the palms, apchi, they are smeared with hash..

– … and shit. – added Idot. – I did not take paper with me and wiped my ass with my palms.

– Which hand? Klop asked sarcastically.

– Both. – A kid of about fifteen, shaggy in the style of punk or schmuck, examined his palms and chose a dirtier one. – that this one.

– Come on, Harutun, smell it. – asked Ottila.

– What? apchi. – asked the corporal.

– Smell your hand and make a sanitary and epidemiological conclusion of the composition of the substance applied to the skin. Got it?

Incephalopath waved his head in agreement and walked reluctantly to the kid and squeamishly brought his hand to his nose. I sniffed the vapors that evaporated from the palm of my hand and shook the tip of the nose, then the bridge of the nose, then by inertia the wave passed to the necks, forehead and lips, and it was clear how he swallowed it all. The hat and fingers of Idot’s palm clenched sharply, clutching Arutun’s very long nose and pulled to him.

Harutun grabbed his fist with both hands, wrinkled his face and tried to tear it from his nose, but the kid had previously relaxed his fingers and abruptly removed it. Incephalopath jerked his head to the ass and almost fell on his ass. He recovered and gave a slap to Idot. He, who had received such a thing more than once, evaded and Harutun, having missed, followed by hand inertia and fell into a flower bed.

– Well, does it stink? asked Klop and handed his little hand to a colleague so that he could get up.

– Mdaa, apchi. – Arutun stood up himself, rejecting Klop’s offers.

– What is “Mdaa”?

– I didn’t make out, Apchi, – stuttering and holding by the nose, Harutun went through.

– Did you check his documents?

– Yes, this is a visitor, apchi, from Kazakhstan, where there is a chuyka.

– What a scent?

– Well, apchi, Chuiskaya valley, hemp grows there.

– And what did Che come here? – asked Idota Klop.

– And what did you come here? – answered Idot.

– What are you, a greyhound? I was born here.

– Doesn’t look like, why did he come here? – Pointed a finger at the Intsephalopath Patzan.

– And in the forehead? apchi. – shook his nose and splashed elephants in the Caucasian Harutun.

– I asked, what came here?

– Rodaki moved. I did not live sickly there either. – bored teenager.

– And why, you can’t forget Anasha? Rushing?

– I do not understand what you mean? I say, shit and wiped his ass with his palm…

– Why are you so vulgar? Not the Kents, all the same with you, and the deadline… Ten shines.. Che do not laugh?

– At least apchi. – added Harutun. – Plus – resistance to the authorities.

The kid blushed.

– And what, in Kazakhstan, they don’t put for anasha? – Ottila changed her tone.

– Well, as a matter of fact they plant it, – Idot rubbed his nose. – but I worked legally.

– What, legally? apchi. – surprised Harutun.

– Hemp collected? Ay! – Ottila again hit the same finger with a hammer.

– Like this? Something you, apchi, you drive nonsense, schmuck. – Arutun hit.

– Where did you catch him? – bug Klop. – far away from here?

– No, through the house, in the trash. Apchi, and most importantly, it grows there evenly, like in a garden.. You planted, apchi, a dog?