StaVl Zosimov Premudroslovsky - Crazy Detective. Funny detective

– BUT? apchi, – shook his cheeks with an Incephalopath. – no. I don’t know him at all. The first time I see.

– Why are you boiling for him then? Stab, uncle. – Suddenly the sergeant barked. Harutun drew back. – He harnessed for you, as for your own, and you?

– Ah, apchi, I know him, but it’s very bad, and only thanks to his wife.

– What? – Pent smiled.

– I am sleeping with his wife! – confirmed Harutun. The sergeant grinned and went to shoot documents for beer.

– And when will it be released? – echoed into the lobby.

– How the toilet is home and the answer will come. So for three days I have the right to fuck him.

– Can I help him? – suggested Harutun to the whole lobby.

– Wash the toilet?

– Yes, to be released faster.

– No, not supposed to.

Harutun sadly lowered his head: Mdaa… he got there and there is no money and Klop was lowered.

– Do you have money? – someone whispered straight into the auricle to corporal. He shuddered with his whole body and turned around. Behind him stood a fat ensign in a police uniform and was chewing a hard burger.

– Nnnet.

– Why? Om yum yum.

– And money, apchi, – Harutun got confused in thoughts and, stretching out his index finger, searching for pupils, he pointed to the door of the police post. – And the money from my, apchi, chef, there, in the monkeyclip from Klop.

– What a bug? Is that a nickname?

– No, his last name, apchi, he was detained until his identity was ascertained.

– Ahhh! Om yum yum., So let’s go, take the money from him, as if to yourself, and give it to me.

– Ahhh. He has, apchi, a card.

– Sorry. – And the policeman retired into the depths of the forecourt.

A week later, Bedbug was released from the 78th police station. This was the fifth branch in a row, starting with the station cops and everywhere he washed toilets. No one before him agreed to this. And he had to wash off the annual dirt.

Harutun was tired of waiting for him at the station for a week, it was good summer. He contacted the local gopot and the homeless. His clothes turned into a floor rag. His swollen face from the “ice” – a cleaning agent for ethanol glasses drunk by the homeless and the like – turned red like a chimpanzee’s ass.

His eyes were filled with tears, not only from grief, but also from a terrible hangover. He was sitting in the passage of the Moscow metro station. His hat was upside down and lay on the floor. One could see a dime in it: one, five, and ten coins. He sat on his knees and sobbed slightly. Fingals hardly missed tears.

– Harutun? Ottila called out, “what is the matter with you?”

– BUT? Apchi, – the corporal raised his eyes slowly.

– Get up, are you sitting here? – The bug came up and raised his hat.

– Do not touch, apchi. – Harutun yelled hysterically and grabbed his hat. Some little thing jumped out onto the marble floor and rang. The ringing was heard by homeless people standing nearby. They looked decent and younger.

– Hey kid, well, get off the wretch. – shouted one of them

– Do not bother him to earn bread, schmuck. – scared the second.

– Vali, Vali. – supported the third, – while alive.

– Are you telling me young people? – the local detective General Klop opened his eyes in surprise.

– ABOUT? Yes, this is not a kid at all.

– Is it a dwarf?!

– Yes, and the Negro. Heh. – And they began to approach the Bedbug.

“A cartridge,” Harutun whimpered, kneeling. – run away, boss. I will delay them. All the same, they already beat me and made me beg.

– Not ssy, I will explain to them in Sarakabalatanayaksoyodbski that you can not offend the elderly. Ottila answered confidently and rolled up his sleeves.

– Oh, Zyoma, he decided to run into us, – for the bastard, the healthiest of them and the bald one.

– Gray, drag it to the bucket. – supported thin and in tattoos, pointing to the urn.

– I say right away, calm down young people, I warn you the last time. – kindly asked Klop, looking into the eyes of a healthy. He took it with his huge brush by the collar and, lifting it, brought it to his eyes. He smiled ehidno and sharply gasped his breath. He opened his eyes, as if with constipation and enlarged his mouth, as if he wanted to put Ilyich’s bulb in his mouth. The goon let go of the brush and bent over, grabbed his groin with both hands.

– Ahhhhh!!!! – drowned everyone around.

Ottila landed on his feet and, crouching, inflicted a second blow on the balls, but with his fist.

He pounded the shot with his fists for a minute, so fast that it was difficult to distinguish between his hands and, in the end, hit the heel in the Adam’s apple with a heel jump. The redneck slowly fell forward and fell on the marble floor with his forehead, crushing everything sticking out to himself. Ottila bounced to one side, missing the fall. His homies are blown away by the wind. And in general, the transition was cleared of all kinds of freeloaders – drunks.

Ancephalopath stood up, leaning on the chef’s shoulder.

– Thank you, apchi, patron. I thought, apchi, I’ll die here.

– How did you get to this? They closed me for a week? And you have already sunk so.

“And himself?!” Harutun thought, but said nothing. Ottila looked again at the corporal and gasped.

– Oh, Yoshkin cat, what did they do with your mug?

– Yes, okay, apchi, – Harutun waved his hand and turned away his disfigured face: a broken nose, two fingals under the right eye and three under the left and not one front tooth. The cruel world of the homeless and merciful in one person. It is very difficult for the old to survive in this world at the bottom.

– Mdaa… but didn’t you ask them about their nose?

– No, it didn’t even come to mind.. – Harutun weaved slowly behind the Boss and chewed his tongue as usual, – even though, stop! – he exclaimed, – yes, I heard that he was pitted on copper to the nearest reception, and those – they died in an antique store.

– Who, those? – Ottila stopped.

– Well, from the reception point they handed over to an antique store.

– And in which one?

– And in the central one, behind the Kazan Cathedral.

– Let’s go. And then, suddenly they sold it?

They still came out of Mos. Bana on Nevsky Prospect. Dvizhuha. Ottila went to the aunt standing on the sidewalk and asked:

– And where the fuck. Kazan Cathedral?

– Nah?

– That is: located.

– You’re not Russian? guest or guest worker?

– No. I am a district police officer.

– Clear. Walk along the Nevsky, towards Palace Square and on the left side you will see the Cathedral.

– Thank. Health to you and your children … – Before the Bedbug thanked and went with Incephalopath along the sidewalk.

The case was completed successfully. The monument was returned to its place and put under the alarm and video surveillance.

Bedbug and Incephalopath received from Marshall gratitude in the form of a prize and readiness to expect a new business.

Bedbug sat in his office and, talking with Incefalapat, with his wife and children, talked about the adventures, omitting details of the humiliations that occurred during the investigation. Of course, the sad things were lowered and replaced with heroic fictitious acts… In short, they laughed with a bang…

Five years of boring collective farm life passed, and Ottila began to get drunk with Intsefalapatom, more precisely, he was drinking Solop intentionally in order to take possession of his wife. And Bug in the mind, it suited. Yes, and Marshall did not call.