Karl Kraus: The Last Days of Mankind

NEPALLECK Funeral Third Class — of course, Your Excellency — Your Excellency can rest assured — Prince Montenuovo seized the initiative at once — Pardon? Pardon, Your Excellency, what was that? This is such a bad line again today — Damnation, operator! This is an official call — it’s scandalous! — Pardon, Your Excellency, we were interrupted — yes — yes — yes — at your service — it will be seen to — but of course — put them off — all of them — naturally — the Prince seized the initiative at once — of course — the Prince will be delighted — the Prince’s sentiments entirely — Your Excellency can rely on that — no, no, none of the monarchs are coming to pay their respects — nor any of the Royal families’ members — no, no, nor any relatives either — naturally — Pardon? — No, they all wanted to come — but no one will now — a Grand Duke was all set to, but fortunately we managed to prevent it in time — that would be the last straw — if they started offering explanations so as to avoid war at all costs — Pardon? — not cut off again! Damnation, what a shambles! — yes, the English too — no, no one — no courtiers at all — only ambassadors and so on — and only a select few, of course — those we can’t say no to — it’s all in hand — all nicely screened and sifted — as far as was feasible — a question of the available space — tiny chapel — Lord, how we laughed! — the wording? — Just a moment. ( Takes a piece of paper from his pocket .) “Restrictions on number of delegates representing foreign courts and military delegates, owing to considerations of the available space—” Pardon? — naturally, of course it will be a most bitter disappointment, no participation of the military, neither official nor in general — Pardon, Your Excellency? In Belgrade? Oh well, they’ll find it very odd — absolutely, so if it makes them even more insolent — we’ve no objections, have we, Your Excellency? — Just so!

Ah, spot on, Your Excellency, splendid, Funeral Third Class, No Smoking — marvellous idea, I must tell the Prince, the Prince will split his sides — as it is, the anointing of the bodies has given us nothing but trouble — yes, the Bohemian nobility, making rather too many demands, those gentlemen — His old cronies and all the relatives — how did we respond? — Prince Montenuovo seized the initiative at once. Quite simple: apart from His Majesty’s entourage and officials, at most only the children’s guardian to be admitted — Pardon? The children? — no, the Prince is against that on account of the seating arrangements — Pardon? Yes, they want to process on foot — naturally, not to the Prince’s liking at all — almost a demonstration — Exactly, like the unemployed! I must tell the Prince, he’ll split his sides — How do you mean, Your Excellency? Couldn’t care a hoot? Oh absolutely, or two hoots! — But of course, not a word! — all the formalities will have been observed— His Majesty’s need of rest, pure and simple —Let them say what they like and be damned! — of course — Funeral of Heir to Throne to be Third Class, basta! — no need to put ourselves out— à propos , Excellency hasn’t heard the latest impertinence from His office? — They claim that according to Spanish ceremonial we should be responsible for the burial in Artstetten, not only for the transport to the Western Railway Station — the cheek of it! According to protocol we are only responsible for the Habsburg Tomb, the Capuchin Crypt — end of story! — But of course the Prince seized the initiative at once and told them they should be grateful we’re even bringing the body to the Western Station. Everything else is up to the Municipal Funeral Service — or the Society for Life Eternal, just so — of course, at any rate doing it on the cheap — or as He would have liked, out of piety, exactly! I must tell the Prince, the Prince will split his sides — no, informal, small intimate reception — Need we engage any extra help? None at all, we get rid of the lot — That’s true, sweated labour — of course if it had been up to me, I was against it from the start, bringing that Chotek woman’s corpse back in the same train — I always say, in cases like that, if you hadn’t climbed up, you wouldn’t have fallen down — but alas — yes, quite, the Prince’s good heart — and in addition, as Your Excellency is aware, His Imperial Majesty intervened, so there was nothing to be done — anyhow, at least we managed to rectify matters to the extent of having her coffin displayed at a lower level than his — To be sure, it won’t be pleasant tomorrow at the Southern Railway Station — but no crowd at least — Pardon? Oh quite, not like catching an excursion train on a Sunday, exactly, I must tell the Prince, the Prince will — Sorry? Sorry?

Ah yes, the newspapers? They’ve had their instructions, all of them, play it low key. Watchword: No ostentation but silent mourning or whatever — I couldn’t care less — Pardon, Your Excellency? As silent as the — excellent, I must tell the Prince, the Prince will — Pardon? Yes, delighted that the Cabinet Office is just as deeply grieved as the Office of the Imperial Chamberlain — the Prince will split his sides — Some of the variety theatres wanted to know if they should cancel their performances. Answer: the Court has not yet decreed any official period of mourning, so it’s left to the discretion of each establishment — nice, eh? — one can imagine their discretion! — certainly friend Wolf in Gersthof needn’t shed any more tears than we do. But Venedig in Wien, that’ll be of interest to the Prince, they had the sense not to ask and simply decided the show must go on. Good Lord, in these hard times who’s to begrudge them their bit of business and fun — live and let live, of course — Oh quite, certainly, not just us alone but the whole Empire — the whole Empire — just so, everyone shares the same feeling, very true, the show must go on — What? Damnation, not again — more interference! — very true, people want to relax and enjoy themselves — that’s exactly right, the Grim Reaper will appear soon enough — live and let live — people want to see happy, smiling faces, otherwise they’ll start making faces — yes indeed, anyone who can’t put on a friendly face doesn’t deserve to hold high office! — of course, in that respect we need have no fears for the future, thank goodness. — Pardon? What of the Prince, the new one? Or rather, the former future Imperial Chamberlain? The late favourite has passed on, gone to meet his Maker, may God bless Him, the Devil take him, well, it was a very singular bereavement, at any rate the only one deeply afflicted by it is — no, he won’t be honouring us with a visit any more — Pardon?

Those who were with him in Sarajevo? Harrach? Might have been. Didn’t they say “he protected him with his own body”?—they certainly pulled rank down there — Morsey apparently had a go at a policeman, why hadn’t he arrested one of the perpetrators, but he simply replied, cool as you like, “Attend to your own affairs, Lieutenant!”—The police in Sarajevo simply did their duty, no more, no less — The gendarmerie — how many were there? Prince Montenuovo seized the initiative with Tisza at the time, but all the necessary precautionary measures were already in hand. Six for his personal protection — surely more than enough! — Exactly, a quite reasonable compromise for the two hundred he was granted for Konopiste, to stop honourable members of the public from walking on the grass — That certainly pleased him, waste of money though it was — Pardon? The Foreign Office are already on the rampage? But of course, it’s the best pretext imaginable for declaring war, of course — At last, at last! — It’ll be interesting to see how long their investigations last in that nest of vipers — another fair compromise, six gendarmes for Sarajevo, so we just need a few more for Belgrade! — absolute rabble! — But of course, we’re as pure as the driven snow in comparison — True, he had premonitions of danger, but we bolstered his courage, an officer is not afraid! — just so, he was in God’s hand until the day he died — there was no avoiding it, I know, I know, but we must exact retribution now it’s happened! — exactly, afterwards one simply has to do one’s stuff, yes, yes, it has its good side too, at home and abroad — a settling of accounts — Oh yes, Conrad can now seize — but of course they’ll love it! We must demand satisfaction, any child can see that, it’s the last straw! — a question of prestige if ever there was one — we’ll carry it through — but of course — Pardon? But of course, that’s where the Germans will come to our rescue — namely, we are for peace, though not for peace at all costs — no, Your Excellency, no chance of getting away on leave, how could I? — that’s how it is, nothing to be done, I’m spared nothing — once again, of course, you can put your mind at rest — I shall pass it on — profound thanks, Your humble servant, Your Excellency!