Karl Kraus - The Last Days of Mankind

(The organ ceases to play. People pray silently, interrupted only by the sobbing of the three children.)

JOURNALIST ( to his neighbour ) DESCRIBE HOW THEY PRAY!

Scene 1

Vienna, at the corner where the Kärntnerstrasse meets the Ring. Flags flying from windows. Soldiers march past to cheers. General euphoria in August 1914 after the ultimatum to Serbia has precipitated world war. Everyone wants to be part of the action .

NEWS VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun—!

SECOND NEWS VENDOR Ex-tra-aa edi-shun! Both communiqués!

DEMONSTRATOR ( who has broken away from a group singing the Prince Eugene March. His face flushed and already quite hoarse, shouts uninterruptedly ) Serbia — we’ll murder ’er! Serbia stinks! Up Habsburg! Hooray! Up Serbia!

INTELLECTUAL ( spots the mistake, gives him a dig in the ribs ) Eh? What do you think you’re—

DEMONSTRATOR ( confused at first, thinks for a moment ) Serbia — we’ll murder ’er! Serbia stinks! Up! Down with Habsburg! Serbia!

(A second group mills around, a prostitute among them, directly behind her a disreputable character trying to snatch her handbag.)

RUFFIAN ( shouts continuously ) Hurrah, hurrah!

PROSTITUTE Hands off! You scoundrel! Let go or I’ll—

RUFFIAN ( lets go of her handbag ) Why aren’t you cheering? Call yourself a patriot? A whore, that’s what you are, and don’t you forget it!

PROSTITUTE A bag-snatcher, that’s what you are!

RUFFIAN You slut! We’re at war, in case you didn’t know! A whore, that’s what you are!

FIRST PASSERBY United we stand, please! United we stand!

CROWD ( beginning to take notice ) She’s a whore! What did she say?

SECOND PASSERBY Blow me if she ain’t said summat against the House of Habsburg!

CROWD Grab her! Give her a thrashing! ( The girl has managed to duck into a passageway and disappear .) Ah, let ’er go! That’s not our style. Up Habsburg!

FIRST REPORTER ( to his companion ) Quite an atmosphere! What’s going on?

SECOND REPORTER You ain’t seen nothing yet.

FIRST ARMY SUPPLIER ( together with another, standing on a Ringstrasse bench ) We can see them better from here. Don’t they look splendid marching past, our brave soldiers!

SECOND ARMY SUPPLIER Wasn’t it Bismarck who said — it’s in today’s paper — our boys, don’t you just want to kiss them?

FIRST ARMY SUPPLIER You know they’ve even called up Eisler’s eldest?

SECOND ARMY SUPPLIER Get away! Have you ever heard the like of it! And them so rich! Was there nothing they could do?

FIRST ARMY SUPPLIER Apparently they’re trying now. He’ll probably go up and wangle it.

SECOND ARMY SUPPLIER And if the worst comes to the worst — you wait and see, he’ll end up buying him that motorcar he’s always dreamt of.

FIRST ARMY SUPPLIER Though that can turn out badly, too.

FIRST PASSERBY How do you do, Director General!

THIRD PASSERBY ( to his companion ) Did you hear? Know who that is? A director general in plainclothes. He’s in charge of the generals, so watch what you say.

FIRST OFFICER ( to three others ) Evening Nowotny, evening Pokorny, evening Powolny — the very man! You know all about politics. Come on, tell us, what do you think?

SECOND OFFICER ( with walking stick ) Well, I put it all down to the encirclement.

THIRD OFFICER Y’know what? — That’s spot on.

FOURTH OFFICER Absolutely — I was at a bash in the mess last night—! D’you see the latest Schönpflug cartoon? Fantabulous!

THIRD OFFICER Y’know, the paper says war was unacceptable.

SECOND OFFICER Unpreventable, it said.

THIRD OFFICER Unpreventable, of course. I just misread it. Anyhow, what are your plans?

FOURTH OFFICER Well, with any luck I’ll get attached to the War Ministry.

FIRST OFFICER You’re a great one for the girls, you should join us. I went to hear Mela Mars at the Apollo last night — Novak of the 59th was telling me he’d heard I’d been put forward for a silver medal.

NEWS VENDOR Tagblatt ! Great victory at Chabatz!

FOURTH OFFICER My congratulations — did you see her? Very tasty, and no mistake! — Hang on, I’ll just — ( exit .)

THE OTHERS ( calling after him ) See you later at Hopfner’s, then!

A VIENNESE ( holds forth, standing on a bench ) — and so we had to avenge the Archduke’s ashes — no bullshitting! — and so, my fellow citizens, I say unto you — let us rise up as one, with banners fleeing, and unite with the Fatherland in its hour of destiny! Encircled as we are by enemies on all sides! We’re fighting a war of self-potence, I tell you, a lowly whore — I mean holy war! Behold our brave boys boldly confronting the enemy, regardless, behold them out in the field facing the foe head-on, answering the call of the Fatherland — and that means defying the vagaries of the weather — just look! And so I also say — if you count yourself a citizen, it’s your duty to chip in, however little — right away! Shoulder to shoulder, on the spot! And that means, follow their example, yes sir! And so I also say — stand together as one man! Let the enemy hear it loud and clear: it’s a lowly whore of self-potence! Like a phoenix we stand — that means, they can’t penetrate! We’re on top and Austria will arise like a phalanx from the all-consuming flames — if you ask me! We’ve been marched off to war in a just cause, no two ways about it, and that’s why I also say: Serbia — we’ll murder ’er!

VOICES FROM THE CROWD Bravo! Hear, hear! Serbia — we’ll murder ’er! — Like it or not! — Every one shot!

VOICE FROM THE CROWD And Russia too—

SECOND VOICE ( bellows ) — what a crew!

THIRD VOICE Not a clue! ( Laughter .)

FOURTH VOICE Give ’em their due!

ALL Bang bang! Yahoo!

SECOND VOICE And then to France?

THIRD VOICE Just watch ’em prance! ( Laughter .)

FOURTH VOICE At the end of our lance!

ALL Will they fight? No chance!

THIRD VOICE Who else do we hit? Every Brit!

FOURTH VOICE The Brit we’ll hit!

ALL Bravo! A Brit with every hit! Bravo!

BEGGAR BOY Gott strafe England!

VOICES Strafe them all! England stinks!

FIRST GIRL Poldi promised me a Serb’s guts. I wrote about it to the Reichspost .

VOICES Hurrah for the Reichspost ! Our Christian daily!

SECOND GIRL I wrote to them too. Ferdie’s going to bring me back a Russian’s kidneys!

CROWD Bring ’em on!

POLICEMAN Keep to the left, please, to the left.

INTELLECTUAL ( to his girl ) This is where we could plumb the soul of the people, if we had the time — what is the time? According to today’s editorial, it’s a joy to be alive. Isn’t Benedikt brilliant, the way he says the glory of classical antiquity illuminates our own age.

FIRST GIRL It’s half past now. Ma said I’m in for it if I don’t get home by half past.

INTELLECTUAL Ah, don’t go, stay. Just look at the people, in a state of ferment! Look, they’re uplifted!

FIRST GIRL Where?

INTELLECTUAL I mean, spiritually, as if they’d been transformed, purified — like it says in the editorial, pure heroism. Who would have thought it possible, how the times have changed, and how they’ve changed us.

(A cab draws up outside a house.)

FARE How much?

CABBY Your honour surely knows.

FARE I don’t know. How much?

CABBY The normal fare.

FARE And what is the fare?

CABBY Same as you pay everyone else.