Karl Kraus - The Last Days of Mankind

HOFRAT SCHWARZ-GELBER & HOFRÄTIN SCHWARZ-GELBER No power on earth could have kept us from being here in person.

ANGELO EISNER V. EISENHOF ( turning away with an indignant look, to Dobner v. Dobenau standing beside him ) People like that are out of place at a religious ceremony. Probably their first time. What will my friend Lobkowitz think — there, he’s just looking across. ( He gestures repeatedly in greeting .) Ah, he’s spotted me but he didn’t recognize me.

DOBNER V. DOBENAU ( his expression glacial, slowly ) As Lord High Steward I should rightly be in there with the pillars of society.

COUNT LIPPAY After my artistic triumph with my portrait of the Pope, as Count Palatine I had frequent opportunity to draw His Holiness’s attention to the piety of the illustrious deceased, while as Papal Chamberlain pointing out that his piety remained unshakeable in spite of all such events, which His Holiness was pleased to acknowledge and approve.

EISNER V. EISENHOF Well, well, Lipschitz, you here too? Our fathers in Pilsen would never have imagined in their wildest dreams—

COUNT LIPPAY Not a word, Baron, not a word, all water under the bridge. You know as well as I do: a prophet in his own country … and all roads lead to Rome. But have you not seen my sons, Count Franz and Count Erwein?

DOBNER V. DOBENAU As Lord High Steward I should rightly be—

CAFÉ PROPRIETOR RIEDL At the Adriatic Exhibition I had dealings with His Imperial Highness — as a patriot and simple business man I served him his coffee in person, and why not? — that’s not beneath me, even if people do know who I am — his noble endeavours to promote expansion of the fleet always had my warm support, as chairman of the committee and in the spirit of Tegetthoff, to continue undaunted along the path on which we had already embarked.

DR. CHARAS Under my direction the First Aid Service has also turned out for this occasion, though there have not yet been many opportunities to assist.

HEAD OF SECURITY STUKART As head of the Security Service my presence is required as a matter of course. Quite apart from my social prestige, my attention was inevitably drawn to the purely criminalistic aspect of the case, which I can approach quite objectively since it concerns a murder which no one can accuse me of using to boost my own reputation. In Vienna such a thing would be impossible. I cannot deny that my esteemed colleague in Sarajevo, up to the time of the assassination itself, employed tactics similar to those which have repeatedly worked well for us here, namely, either to remain ignorant of a planned crime or to allow it to come to full maturity in order the better to expose it after the event. But my respected colleague in Sarajevo regrettably failed to implement this proper criminalistic objective, even assuming he had aimed to do so. I, on the other hand, would have made it my personal business far beyond the call of duty, after the deed had been committed and our Security Service was working feverishly on the case, to gather all the threads together in my own hand until I had succeeded in making the perpetrator break down and confess under the weight of the evidence, which my respected colleague in Sarajevo regrettably failed to do owing to the fact that the perpetrator was caught at the scene of the crime. I can only put this disastrous turn of events down to clumsiness, perhaps to the excessive zeal of the assassin who did not resist arrest, or to an unlucky chance which in this particularly deplorable case completely paralysed any police action. However, since the victim of the perpetrator bears no responsibility for this catastrophic outcome, my presence here, albeit among others, will be noted and understood.

SECTION HEAD WILHELM EXNER I am here to represent technological interests.

LAND-BANK GOVERNOR SIEGHART I have been appointed governor. In full expectation that governmental authority shall henceforth be exercised uninterruptedly along lines conforming to my worldview, I take my rightful place here today.

ANGLOBANK PRESIDENT LANDESBERGER Even though they call me a banking magnate, I do not consider it beneath my dignity to claim a modest though proud place before the coffin of one of the mighty, albeit one who pursued ideals different from my own.

HERZBERG-FRÄNKEL My name is Herzberg-Fränkel. I know that while alive he had no particular sympathy for people of my kind, but with death comes reconciliation.

STEIN & HEIN, PROGRESSIVE-LIBERAL MUNICIPAL COUNCILLORS I don’t honestly know what business I have being here, but since here I am, here I stay.

TWO CONSULS ( speaking together, introduce themselves ) Stiassny. It’s true we had no connection with the deceased to speak of, but we have nevertheless hastened to do our duty.

THREE HONORARY COUNSELLORS ( appear side by side ) We come as a delegation in the belief that we owe it to the shades of the deceased, in the hope of better times to come, not to be diverted from the conviction that he wanted the Good, but was badly informed.

SUKFÜLL As a delegate commissioned by the committee to convey its grief, we are facing an uncertain future and are not yet in a position to assess whether what happened will impede or advance the planned promotion of tourism. Be that as it may, allow me to pay my respects to the deceased.

BIRINSKI & GLÜCKSMANN As representatives of art, we have been commissioned by art to renew its pledge, here at the bier of His late Royal Highness, to strive towards the ideal, while others will have come as representatives of industry.

HUGO HELLER, BOOKSELLER Thanks to my extensive cultural contacts it would surely have been easy for me to have established a lasting attachment to the eminent deceased, had it not been for the fact already noted that death intervened.

(During this speech a lady in deepest mourning has entered. Everyone makes way for her.)

HOFRÄTIN SCHWARZ-GELBER ( thunderstruck, elbows her husband in the ribs and says ) What did I tell you! She turns up everywhere she isn’t wanted. Can’t one ever be among one’s own kind!

FLORA DUB How peaceful they look, lying there! If she were still alive, she would remember me once, throwing flowers at her. He wasn’t particularly fond of floral parades, of course. If I’ve come, it’s to show them I’ve no hard feelings.

GRUMBLER ( in foreground )

Almighty God, Lord over great and small,

You use small-minded men to test the great,

used this great man to test their pettiness.

Through that which he demanded and endured

he failed the test. Now You have called him home.

Was this Your purpose when you first devised

the blissful counterpoint of life and death?

And can the mortal foe, that rabid mob,

now storm the uplands of eternity?

Can grief no longer be a spark divine

when murderers proclaim it as their own,

making the blood they’ve shed a crimson jewel,

the tears of heartfelt grief a worthless paste,

a sham that Judas flaunts to hide his sneers?

If so, then we have reached the end of time

and face Your judgment. Let them pay the price

and everywhere the misbegotten feel

that it is finished! Let their blood be shed,

while mourning their demise with God’s own tears.

(Meanwhile the religious ceremony has begun with extreme solemnity. All the royal household assembled in the hall can be seen kneeling in prayer, the three children of the murder victims sobbing at the front. From time to time the priest’s voice can be heard. The organ begins to play. One of the ten, who have by now worked their way completely into the hall, suddenly turns to his neighbour and says in a loud voice)

JOURNALIST Where’s Szomory? We need atmosphere!