Karl Kraus: The Last Days of Mankind

Scene 4

As before .

USHER Beg pardon, Hofrat — a visitor.

NEPALLECK Who?

USHER ( timidly ) Ah, one of the — ah — other—

NEPALLECK ( imperiously ) There are no others! Those times are past! Didn’t I tell you that if anyone comes—

USHER Beg pardon — he says it’s only an inquiry.

NEPALLECK I’d like to know what there still is to inquire about. Let’s have him in then. ( Exit usher .)

Scene 5

Enter an old manservant of the late Archduke .

NEPALLECK ( between clenched teeth ) What do you want?

OLD MANSERVANT Your humble servant, Hofrat, sir, — ah — in the circumstances, I’m not sure if — that is to say — in other circumstances—

NEPALLECK Out with it, what is it you want?

MANSERVANT Well, the calamity, the dreadful calamity — is it not, Hofrat, sir? — and I who was already in service under His Imperial Highness — as was — Archduke Ludwig, God rest his soul—

NEPALLECK Aha, to put it in a nutshell, you’re an itinerant valet — well, my dear fellow, put the notion right out of your head, there are no jobs going here!

MANSERVANT ( in tears ) No no, Hofrat — no no, Hofrat—

NEPALLECK What? The cheek of it!

MANSERVANT But no, Hofrat — I don’t want — I don’t want—

NEPALLECK What do you want then?

MANSERVANT But no — the Archduke was a strict master, it’s true — but His Highness was — strict — and — good — but so—

NEPALLECK My dear chap, let’s have none of your cock-and-bull stories here — tell us what you want from us!

MANSERVANT I want nothing, Hofrat, nothing, nothing, nothing at all — just to speak — just to speak — just to speak — before his corpse, one last time—

NEPALLECK ( raising his voice ) I’ve no time to speak to you, capito?

(Disturbed by the noise, Prince Montenuovo rushes in from the right, his face distorted with rage.)

Scene 6

MONTENUOVO What’s going on? Ah ha, one of them here! You there, clear off! None of you lot will find a job here. Out, quick!

MANSERVANT ( astonished ) I — oh, sweet Jesus — I only want to — to be of service, Your Serene Highness — ( Exit .)

Scene 7

MONTENUOVO You know very well this isn’t a refuge for the homeless, Hofrat — and now that I have seized the initiative — I just want some peace!

NEPALLECK Your Highness can rest assured, it won’t happen again, the fellow only wanted—

MONTENUOVO I don’t give a damn. Just don’t let me see any of that Belvedere crew taken on here! — How many invitations?

NEPALLECK Forty-eight.

MONTENUOVO What did you say?

NEPALLECK Oh, a thousand pardons, I was thinking of tomorrow evening. Twenty-six.

MONTENUOVO Strike off the six. ( Exit .)

NEPALLECK Very good. ( Sits down again at his desk .)

Scene 8

Prince Weikersheim, closely followed by usher .

USHER Please, Your Serene Highness, I’m under the strictest instructions not to admit any officials from the Belvedere—

PRINCE WEIKERSHEIM What’s that? Instructions? What? Does one need an appointment here? ( Exit usher. Nepalleck remains sitting at his desk without looking up. The Prince, after an interval ) You there! ( After a further interval, louder ) You there! What — what’s the meaning of this? ( Shouting ) You there, on your feet!

NEPALLECK ( casually turns his head ) Good day, good day.

PRINCE WEIKERSHEIM ( flabbergasted, after an interval ) What — what’s that? So — quickly — ( pointedly ) you there, you know who I am?

NEPALLECK Is something the matter? Of course, I know. You are the former Baron Bronn, now elevated to Prince von Weikersheim.

PRINCE WEIKERSHEIM And you, you are a— And him in there, your superior! ( Exit, slamming the door behind him .)

Scene 9

NEPALLECK ( laughs convulsively. The telephone rings .) Your humble servant, Your Excellency, just a moment ago one of them — ( Montenuovo puts his head round the door, quick as a flash Nepalleck turns round .) At your service, Your Highness—

(Change of scene.)

Scene 10

Southern Railway terminal. In the pale morning light, a lobby from which one can see, through a wide doorway, the hall-cum-waiting room reserved for members of the court. Black drapes everywhere. In the middle, initially just visible for those outside, two sarcophagi, one placed somewhat lower than the other, surrounded by tall candlesticks with burning candles. Wreaths. Prie-dieux. Black-liveried footmen are lighting the last candles and preparing for the reception of the mourners. The throng in the foreground and the just visible part of the staircase is being held back by policemen. Dignitaries, officials in various uniforms appear, remain in the foreground or disappear towards the waiting room, exchanging silent or whispered greetings. A continuous coming and going. A delegation of municipal councillors in full evening dress appears. Hofrat Nepalleck enters, to all appearances very downcast, and receives numerous condolences from those present. This and the following events take place in the half-light. The conversations are those of shadows .

NEPALLECK It’s the most terrible thing, Prince Montenuovo is quite disconsolate that his indisposition prevents him from personally attending this illustrious memorial ceremony. Count Orsini-Rosenberg is also confined to his bed. What a catastrophe has befallen us! Here on the right, the most resplendent wreath with chrysanthemums on the coffin of Her Most Serene Highness, the late archduchess, is from the Prince.

(A tall gentleman, his attire and demeanour reflecting deep mourning, approaches Nepalleck and sympathetically presses his hand.)

ANGELO EISNER V. EISENHOF He was my friend. I was close to him. For instance, at the opening of the Adriatic Exhibition. But what is my grief compared with yours, my dear Hofrat! What you must have gone through these past few days!

NEPALLECK I am spared nothing.

(In the meantime the door opposite has opened and one can see the hall filling up with preeminent representatives of the court, the government, and the church. A master of ceremonies shows each to his allotted place. In the foreground, continuing up to the commencement of the religious ceremony, more participants and would-be observers keep streaming in, presenting their invitations and being either admitted or turned away. Several ladies of the higher nobility are escorted out by a steward. Ten gentlemen, in frock coats, are led with due deference and without having to show their credentials past the waiting crowd as far as the door of the waiting room, where they remain lined up in such a way that they can observe all that happens while almost completely blocking the view of those outside. From the moment of their appearance, the sarcophagi are hidden from sight. While each of the ten takes out a notepad, two officials approach the group and introduce themselves as follows.)

ZAWADIL Spielvogel.

SPIELVOGEL Zawadil.

BOTH ( speaking together ) A dismal morning. We’ve been here since six to make the arrangements.

ANGELO EISNER V. EISENHOF ( joins them and speaks intently with one of the ten. They all begin to write. He points to various figures who crane their necks and try to push forward through the rows of people. He motions to each in reassurance, gesturing towards the ten and miming the act of writing, as if to signal that their presence has been duly noted. Meanwhile Hofrat Schwarz-Gelber and his wife have managed to get close to those writing and to tap one of them on the shoulder .)