Karl Kraus: The Last Days of Mankind

Epilogue: The Final Night (p. 553)

Dying soldier. Male gas masks. Female gas masks. General. First war correspondent. Second war correspondent. The dying man. A sergeant. A blinded man. Female war correspondent. Wounded soldier. The Death’s Head hussar. Nowotny von Eichensieg. Dr. Ing. Abendrot. Fressak, a hyena. Naschkatz, a hyena. Chorus of the hyenas. Lord of the Hyenas. Three gossip columnists. Voices from above. Voices from below. Two orderlies. Film cameramen. A voice from above.

The voice of God.

Scene 1

Vienna. At the corner where the Kärntnerstrasse meets the Ring and people take their evening stroll. The evening of a summer public holiday. A throng of people, all wanting to be part of the action .

NEWS VENDOR Ex-tra-aaedi-shun! Arsh-duke ass-ass-inated! Mur-draar-rested!

SECOND NEWS VENDOR Ex-tra-aaedi-shun—! Neue Freie Presse! Sarajevo blood-bath! Mur-dra a Serb!

PASSERBY ( to his wife ) Not a Jew, God be praised.

WIFE Let’s go home! ( She pulls him away .)

FIRST OFFICER Evening, Powolny! Well, what d’ya say? Supper at the Gartenbau?

SECOND OFFICER ( with walking stick ) Don’t-ya know it’s closed?

FIRST OFFICER ( taken aback ) Closed?

THIRD OFFICER Well, I’ll be blowed!

SECOND OFFICER Closed, I’m tellin-ya.

FIRST OFFICER So what d’ya say then?

SECOND OFFICER We’ll just have to eat at Hopfner’s.

FIRST OFFICER Of course — but I meant, what d’ya say about the political situation. You’re the expert—

SECOND OFFICER Well, it’ll shake things up a bit ( brandishes his cane ) — no bad thing — can do no harm — about time too—

FIRST OFFICER What a dashing fellow you are! But y’know who’ll really go wild — Fallota, he’s always saying—

FOURTH OFFICER ( joins them, laughing ) Evening Nowotny, evening Pokorny, evening Powolny — the very man! You know all about politics. Come on, tell us, what d’ya think?

SECOND OFFICER Well, that rabble has simply got out of hand.

THIRD OFFICER Y’know what? — That’s spot on.

FOURTH OFFICER Absolutely — I was at a bash in the mess last night—! D’ya see the latest Schönpflug cartoon? Fantabulous!

SECOND OFFICER Fallota — now there’s a patriot for you, never stops saying it’s not enough just doing your duty, at times you’ve actually got to be patriotic. When he gets something into his head there’s no stopping him. Know what I think? We might just have to sweat it out for a bit. Suits me!

THIRD OFFICER So, let’s go along to Hopfner’s, shall we?

FOURTH OFFICER Look, d’ya recognize those broads there?

SECOND OFFICER Know Schlepitschka von Schlachtentreu? What an intellect! Reads every word of the Presse and knows it all back to front. Says we should read it too. We’re for peace, apparently, but not for peace at all costs. Think that’s true? ( A barmaid passes by .) Look, that’s the one I told you about — had her the other night — for free. ( The actor Fritz Werner goes past .) My compliments!

THIRD OFFICER I don’t think I know him.

SECOND OFFICER Get away! You don’t know him? Werner?!

THIRD OFFICER Oh, fantastic! Know what I thought? I thought it was Treumann!

FIRST OFFICER Get away! How can you mix up Treumann with Werner?!

SECOND OFFICER You’ve obviously never studied logic — it was the other way round — he mixed up Werner with Treumann.

THIRD OFFICER Y’know what I — no, hang on ( ponders ) — know what I really think? Husarenblut is a cut above Herbstmanöver !

SECOND OFFICER Get away!

FIRST OFFICER You’re the intellectual, so tell me—

FOURTH OFFICER Of course it was Werner!

FIRST OFFICER You’re the intellectual, so—

SECOND OFFICER So?

FIRST OFFICER Ever see Der lachende Ehemann ? Know Marischka?

SECOND OFFICER Afraid not.

FIRST OFFICER Know Storm?

SECOND OFFICER Of course!

FOURTH OFFICER Let’s go, no point hanging round here with all the high and mighty. Let’s go to Hopfner’s since the Gartenbau is—

THIRD OFFICER Know Glawatsch too? ( Exeunt, in conversation .)

NEWS VENDOR ( comes running ) Tagblatt —Heir to throne and wife assassinated — read all about it!

SALES REPRESENTATIVE What are we going to do with the rest of the evening?

SECOND SALES REPRESENTATIVE They say the Venedig is still open.

FIRST Right, so we take a tram down to the Venedig.

SECOND I’m not sure, I’m all on edge until we hear the results—

FIRST We’ll hear down there! Over in the Imperial the racing tip was Melpomene, all day yesterday, nothing but Melpomene. But what a bunch, you know as well as I do — it’s taught me a lesson and cost me a packet — there’s Fischl! ( He calls across the boulevard .) Fischl! — Melpomene?

FISCHL Not a hope!

FIRST Oh, go to hell!

FISCHL After you! Glaukopis first, Melpomene second.

A VIENNESE ( to his wife ) But I’m telling you, nobody liked the Archduke—

HIS WIFE Mary and Joseph! Why ever not?

THE VIENNESE Because he wasn’t popular. Riedl himself told me — ( Exeunt .)

REGULAR SUBSCRIBER TO NEUE FREIE PRESSE ( in conversation with its oldest subscriber ) Now we’re in for it!

OLDEST SUBSCRIBER In for what? ( Looks around .) Things can only get better. It’ll be like it was under the Empress Maria Theresa. Mark my words!

REGULAR SUBSCRIBER So you say!

OLDEST SUBSCRIBER That’s what I’m telling you!

REGULAR SUBSCRIBER I hope you’re right! But — for heaven’s sake — Serbia! My youngest boy!

OLDEST SUBSCRIBER In the first place, war is unthinkable in this day and age — and secondly, why would it be your son they call up? Aren’t there plenty of others? ( Murmurs ) God, Thou art just! I can’t wait for tomorrow’s editorial. Benedikt will find words he’s never found before, even his editorial when Mayor Lueger died will pale in comparison. At long last he’ll be able to say what he really thinks — with caution, of course. But he’ll speak from the heart, to everyone, even the goys — you’ll see—, even the higher goys, even the highest goys — especially the highest! He knows what’s at stake, always did.

REGULAR SUBSCRIBER We shouldn’t tempt providence. Maybe there’s no risk of war.

OLDEST SUBSCRIBER You pessimist! ( Exeunt .)

SOME DRUNKS ( force their way through the throng ) Haaalooo! Down with Serbia! Let ’em have it! Smash ’em to pieces! Long live Habsburg!

FOUR YOUNG MEN ARM IN ARM WITH THEIR GIRLS ( sing ) “Prince Eugene made a bridge, a bridge he made, So they crossed the river and took Belgrade—”

CROWD Three cheers! ( Fritz Werner returns, waving in acknowledgment .) Three cheers for Werner!

FRÄULEIN LÖWENSTAMM Go on, ask him now.

FRÄULEIN KÖRMENDY ( approaching ) I’m a great admirer, and I wonder if I could ask you for your—

(Werner takes out a note pad, signs, and hands her the sheet. Exit.)

He was so sweet.

FRÄULEIN LÖWENSTAMM Did he look at you? Let’s get out of this crowd — and all because of the assassination. Storm is the only one I really fancy. ( Exeunt .)

NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ex-tra-aaedi-shun—! Arsh-duke Franz Ferdinand—

INTELLECTUAL It’ll be a tremendous loss for the theatres. The Volkstheater was completely sold out—

HIS WIFE That’s an evening ruined, and no mistake. We should have stayed in, but no, you always have to go out—