Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

The father replies, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

Do you like spinach?

When I was younger I hated going to weddings (когда я была моложе, я ненавидела "хождение" на свадьбы) ; it seemed (мне казалось) that all of my aunts (что все мои тетушки; aunt [a:nt]) and the grandmotherly types (и "бабушки", женщины типа бабушек) used to come up to me (подходили ко мне; to use — использовать, употреблять; иметь обыкновение /что-либо делать — только по отношению к прошлому/) , poke me in the ribs (тыкали мне в ребра) and cackle (кудахтали) , "You're next (ты следующая) ."

They stopped that kind of thing (они перестали /делать/ подобные вещи) after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals (после того, как я начала делать то же, ту же вещь с ними на похоронах) .

When I was younger I hated going to weddings; it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, "You're next."

They stopped that kind of thing after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

You're next.

A bum asks a man for $2 (попрошайка просит у человека 2$) .

The man asked, "Will you buy booze? (ты купишь спиртного) "

The bum said (сказал) , "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away? (проиграешь /в карты/) "

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me (пойдешь домой со мной) so my wife can see (так моя жена может увидеть) what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble? (что происходит с человеком, который не пьет и: «или» не играет в карты) "

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A man dies and goes to Heaven (мужчина умирает и отправляется в рай: «в небеса»; Heaven ['hevn]) . He gets to meet God (он попадает на встречу с Богом) and asks God if he can ask him a few questions (и просит у Бога разрешения задать ему несколько вопросов) .

"Sure," God says (конечно, говорит Бог) , "Go right ahead (начинай, давай /действуй/: "иди прямо вперед") .

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty? (зачем ты сделал женщин такими хорошенькими) "

God says, "So you would like them (чтобы они вам нравились) ."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful? (но как "случилось", что ты сделал их такими красивыми) "

"So you would LOVE them (чтобы вы их (по)любили) ," God replies (отвечает) .

The man ponders a moment (задумался на секунду; to ponder — обдумывать) and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads? (такими легкомысленными: "воздушноголовыми") "

God says, "So they would love you! (чтобы они (по)любили вас) "

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them," God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"

Go right ahead.

A New York Divorce Lawyer (нью-йоркский адвокат по бракоразводным процессам; divorce [dI'vO(r)s]) died and arrived at the Pearly Gates (умер и попал к жемчужным воротам = к вратам рая) . Saint Peter asks him (Святой Петр спрашивает его) , "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? (что ты сделал, чтобы удостоиться входа в рай) " The Lawyer thought a moment (подумал секунду) , then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street (неделю назад я дал четвертак (25 пенсов) бездомному человеку на улице) ." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out (проверить это) in the record (в записи, архиве; record ['rekO(r)d]) , and after a moment (через секунду) Gabriel affirmed that this was true (подтвердил, что это правда) .

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine (ну, это здорово, прекрасно) , but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven (но этого на самом деле не вполне достаточно, чтобы взять тебя в рай; quite — вполне, довольно) ."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! (подождите, подождите, вот еще) Three years ago (три года назад) I also (также) gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded (кивнул) to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back (кивнул в ответ) , affirming this, too, had been verified (подтверждая, что это также проверено; to verify ['verIfaI]) .

Saint Peter then whispered (шепнул) to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? (что ты предлагаешь нам сделать с этим парнем) "

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance (косой взгляд) , then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell! (давай отдадим ему обратно его 50 центов и скажем ему отправляться к черту: «в ад») "

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."