Илья Франк: Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

He can't handle even that.

For the first time in many years (в первый раз за много лет) , an old man traveled from his rural town to the city (пожилой человек приехал из cвоего провинциального городка в город) to attend a movie (посетить кино) . After buying his ticket (после покупки билета, купив билет) , he stopped to purchase some popcorn (он остановился купить попкорна; to purchase ['p@:rtS@s] - приобретать) .

Handing the attendant (давая служащему; attendant [@'tend@nt]) $1.50, he couldn't help but comment (он не смог удержаться от замечания; to comment ['kOment]) , "The last time I came to the movie (последний раз, когда я был в кино) , popcorn was only 15 cents (попкорн был только 15 центов) ."

"Well, sir (ну, сэр) ," the attendant replied (ответил) with a grin (с усмешкой) , "You're really going to enjoy yourself (вы действительно развлечетесь) . We have sound now… (теперь у нас есть звук = теперь кино звуковое) "

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now…"

You're really going to enjoy yourself.

A man really loved a woman (один человек действительно = очень сильно любил одну женщину) , but he was just too shy (но он был слишком стеснительным) to propose to her (чтобы сделать ей предложение) . Now he was up in his years (сейчас он был уже в годах) and neither of them had ever been married (и никто из них никогда /ever — когда-либо/ не состоял в браке; neither ['naID@(r)]; to marry — вступать в брак) . Of course, they dated about once a week (конечно, они ходили на свидание раз в неделю) for the past six years (все последние шесть лет) , but he was so timid (робкий; timid ['tImId]) he just never got around (он просто так и не собрался) to suggesting marriage (предложить брак; suggest [s@'dZest]; marriage ['m@rIdZ]) much less living together (еще меньше — жить вместе = а сожительствовать уж и подавно /не решился предложить/) .

But one day (но однажды) , he became determined to ask her the question (он «стал» /достаточно/ решительным, чтобы задать ей этот вопрос = он решился задать ей этот вопрос) . So he calls her on the phone (он звонит ей по телефону) , "June."

"Yes, this is June (да, это Джун) ."

"Will you marry me? (ты выйдешь за меня) "

"Of course I will! (конечно, выйду) Who's this? (кто это) "

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

Will you marry me?

Jack was living in Arizona (Джек жил в Аризоне) during a heat wave (в период сильной жары: «тепловой волны») when the following took place (когда имело место следующее: to take place — происходить: «брать место») .

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today (сегодня слишком жарко, чтобы носить одежду; just — точно, как раз, именно; совсем, прямо, просто) ," complained (пожаловался) Jack as he stepped out of the shower (когда вышел из душа) . "Honey (душечка: «мед») , what do you think the neighbors would think (как ты думаешь, что подумали бы соседи) if I mowed the lawn like this? (если бы я косил луг вот так) "

"Probably that I married you for your money (наверное, что я вышла за тебя из-за твоих денег) ."

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

It's just too hot to wear clothes today.

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads (пара скупердяев; tight — плотный, тугой; wad — связка, пучок; пачка бумажных денег) , lived in the Midwest (жили на Среднем Западе) , and had been married years (и уже были женаты /долгие/ годы) . Bob had always wanted to go flying (Боб всегда хотел полетать) . The desire deepened (желание становилось глубже) each time a barnstormer (каждый раз, когда летчик-спортсмен, выступающий с летными шоу в провинции; barn - амбар + to storm - стремительно проноситься; штурмовать) flew into town to offer rides (прилетал в город предложить покататься; ride — поездка; to ride — ехать верхом) . Bob would ask (бывало предлагал) , and Sue would say, "No way (ни в коем случае) , ten dollars is ten dollars (десять долларов есть десять долларов) ."

The years went by (прошли годы) , and Bob figured he couldn't wait much longer (понял, что не может ждать больше) , so he got Sue out to the show (он брал Сью на представление) , explaining (объясняя) , it's free to watch (смотреть /можно/ бесплатно) , let's (давай) at least (по крайней мере) watch.