Илья Франк - Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

So Satan opens the first door (открывает первую дверь) . In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks (в комнате люди, стоящие в коровьем навозе по шеи; manure [m@'nju@]) . The guy says, "No, please show me the next room (нет, пожалуйста, покажи мне следующую комнату) ."

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses (до носов) . And so he says no again (снова) .

Finally (наконец) , Satan shows him the third and final (и последнюю) room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees (по колено) drinking cups of tea and eating cakes (пьющие "чашку" чая и "едящие" пирожки) .

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room (я выберу эту комнату) ." Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking (думая) , "Well, it could be worse (могло быть хуже) ," when the door opens. Satan pops his head around (всовывает голову) , and says,

"O.K., tea-break is over (перерыв на чай закончен). Back on your heads! (снова /встать/ на головы) "

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says, "No, please show me the next room."

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room." Satan says O.K.

The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says,

"O.K., tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

It could be worse.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates (недавно учитель, мусорщик и адвокат поднялись вместе к Жемчужным Вратам; to wind — виться; наматывать(ся) /to wind-wound-wound/; to wind up — поднимать при помощи лебедки) . St. Peter informed them (сообщил им) that in order to get into Heaven (для того, чтобы попасть в рай) , they would each have to answer one question (каждый из них должен будет ответить на один вопрос) .

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked (обратился к учителю и спросил) , "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? (как назывался корабль, который врезался в айсберг) They just made a movie about it (о нем как раз сделали фильм) ."

The teacher answered quickly (ответил быстро) , "That would be the Titanic (это, должно быть, Титаник) ." St. Peter let him through the gate (пропустил его в ворота /to let-let-let/) .

St. Peter turned to the garbage man (повернулся к мусорщику) and, figuring (подумав; to figure — изображать; считать, полагать) Heaven didn't really need all the odors (Раю точно уж: "действительно" не были нужны все эти ароматы, запахи) that this guy would bring with him (которые этот парень принес бы с собой) , decided to make the question a little harder (решил несколько усложнить вопрос: "сделать вопрос немного жестче") : "How many people died on the ship? (сколько человек погибло на корабле) "

Fortunately for him (к счастью для него) , the trash man had just seen the movie (мусорщик видел фильм; trash — мусор) . "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! (правильно) You may enter (можешь войти; to might — мочь) ."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them (назови их /по именам/) ."

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding (офицер полиции пытается остановить машину за превышение скорости) and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph (и человек постепенно увеличивает скорость, пока она не превышает 100 миль в час; mph = miles per hour; top — вершина, верхушка; to top — подняться на вершину, перевалить /через гору/; превысить) . He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over (он в конце концов понимает, что не может убежать и наконец останавливается; to pull — тянуть, тащить; to pull over — перетягивать, перетаскивать; здесь — отъехать к обочине и остановиться) .

The cop approaches the car and says (полицейский подходит к машине и говорит) , "It's been a long day (был длинный день) and my tour is almost over (и моя смена почти закончилась) , so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go (и если вы можете представить мне целесообразное оправдание вашему поведению, я отпущу вас; behavior [bI'heIvj@]) ."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says (думает несколько секунд и затем говорит) , "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago (моя жена сбежала с полицейским около недели назад) . I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back! (я подумал, что вы, возможно: «можете быть» тот офицер, пытающийся вернуть ее) "

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.