Илья Франк: Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

"I can’t do that, darling," Tony said. "You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10."

I can’t do that, darling.

Jewish Telegram (еврейская телеграмма)

"Begin worrying (начинай волноваться) . Details to follow (подробности потом; to follow — следовать) ."

Jewish Telegram

"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning (у нас серьезная уборка; heavy — тяжелый) at home tomorrow (дома завтра) for Pesach (на Песах, для праздника Пасхи) and my wife needs me to help with the attic (и моя жена нуждается во мне, чтобы помочь с чердаком = навести порядок на чердаке) and the garage, moving and hauling (/чтобы/ передвигать и таскать: «передвигая и таская»; to haul — тянуть, тащить, волочить) stuff (вещи; stuff — материал; здесь — всякая всячина, вещи) ."

"We're short-handed (нам не хватает людей: "мы короткорукие") , Abe," the boss replies (отвечает босс) . "I just can't give you the day off (я просто не могу дать тебе выходной) ."

"Thanks (спасибо) , boss," says Moshe, "I knew I could count on you! (я знал, что могу на вас рассчитывать /to know-knew-known/) "

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Moshe, "I knew I could count on you!"

We're short-handed. I just can't give you the day off.

I knew I could count on you!

Mr. & Mrs. Goldberg had just got married (только что поженились) . On their way (по дороге) to their honeymoon (медовый месяц) , Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife (сказал своей новой жене) , "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune? (ты бы вышла за меня, если бы мой отец не оставил мне состояние /to leave-left-left/) "

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter (независимо от того) who (кто) had left you a fortune."

Mr. & Mrs. Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

Bud, from Texas (из Техаса) , is on holiday in Israel (в отпуске в Израиле) and meets farmer (встречает, знакомится с фермером) Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does (спрашивает, чем тот занимается) .

"I raise (развожу: to raise — поднимать; выращивать, разводить) a few chickens (немножко цыплят) ," says Shlomo. "I'm also a farmer (я тоже фермер) ."

"So am I (я тоже) . How much land do you have? (сколько у тебя земли) " asks Bud.

"Fifty meters in front (пятьдесят метров с лицевой стороны) , and almost a hundred at the back (и почти сотня сзади) ."

Now it was the turn (теперь была очередь) of Shlomo to ask a question (спросить = задать вопрос) .

"You’re from Texas, so what about your farm? (так что как насчет твоей фермы = что у тебя за ферма) " asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him (говорит, рассказывает ему) , "On my farm, I can drive (на моей ферме, я могу ехать) from morning until sundown (с утра до заката) and not reach the end of my property (и не достичь конца моего владения) ."

"That's too bad (плохо дело, не повезло: «это слишком плохо») ," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that (у меня однажды, как-то /тоже/ была такая машина) ."

Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.

"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. "I'm also a farmer."

"So am I. How much land do you have?" asks Bud.

"Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back."

Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.

"You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.

Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."

"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."

That's too bad.

A rabbi, a priest (священник) and a minister (пастор) are discussing (обсуждают) when life begins (когда начинается жизнь) .

The priest says: "In our religion (в нашей религии), life begins at conception (при зачатии) ."

The minister says: "We disagree (мы несогласны; I agree — я согласен) . We believe that life begins (мы верим, что жизнь начинается) when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb (плод жизнеспособен вне материнской утробы; foetus ['fi:t@s]) ."

The rabbi responds (отвечает) : "You both are wrong (вы оба неправы) . In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college (когда дети закончат колледж) and the dog dies (и сдохнет собака) ."

A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins.

The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception."

The minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."

The rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."

We disagree.

You both are wrong.

Mrs. Herman from London was visiting (навещала) some friends in Florida when she saw (когда она увидела /to see-saw-seen/) a little old man rocking merrily away (весело покачивающегося) on his front porch (на своем переднем крыльце) . He had a lovely smile (у него была приятная улыбка) on his face (на /его/ лице) . She just had to go over to him (она просто должна была подойти = не могла не подойти к нему) .

"I couldn’t help noticing (не могла не заметить) how happy you look (каким счастливым вы выглядите) . I would love (очень хотела бы) to know your secret for a long and happy life (узнать ваш секрет /для/ долгой и счастливой жизни) ."

"I smoke four packets of cigarettes a day (я выкуриваю четыре пачки сигарет в день) , drink five bottles (выпиваю пять бутылок) of scotch whiskey a week (в неделю) , eat lots and lots (ем очень и очень много: «множества и множества») of fatty food (жирной еды; fat — жир) and I never (никогда) , I mean (имею в виду = вот уж действительно) never exercise (никогда не упражняюсь = не делаю зарядку, гимнастику) ."