Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

mension?"

"That," in this case, was one of the scroffiest-look-

ing werewolves I'd ever seen... realizing, of course,

that until this moment I'd only seen two. He had dark

bushy eyebrows (if you'll believe that on a werewolf)

and wore a white stocking cap with a maple leaf on the

side. His whiskers were carefully groomed into a han-

dlebar mustache, and what might have been a goatee

peered from beneath his chin. Actually, viewed piece-

meal, he was very well-groomed. It's just when taken in

its entirety that he looked scroffy. Maybe it was the

leer... .

"Honest, Aahz," I protested, trying to untangle

myself. "I've never seen him before in my life!"

"Oh, but forgive me," the beast said, releasing me so

suddenly I almost fell. "I am so stupeed, I forget to in-

troduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I am

ze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the Woof

Writers, they have told me of your pro-blem and I have

flown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le Garou

A. and I am at your service."

124

MYTH-ING PERSONS 125

Robert Asprin

With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourish

that if I hadn't been so flabbergasted I would have ap-

plauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why the

Woof Writers had snickered when they told us they

knew of someone who could help.

"Boss," Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand,

which he was holding over his nose and mouth. "Shall I

wait outside?"

Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No

dimension traveler should be without it."

She produced a small vial and tossed it to my

bodyguard. "Rub some onto your upper lip just below

your nose."

"Gee, thanks," Guido said, following her instruc-

tions. "What is it?"

"It's a counter-allergenic paste." She shrugged. "I

think it has a garlic base."

"WHAT?" my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the

vial.

Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins.

"Just kidding. Nunzio was worried about you and

told us about your allergies ... all of them."

Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump.

"Shame on you, little sister," he said, smiling in spite

of himself. "After you get done apologizing to Guido, I

suggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearly

gave him a heart attack with that last little joke."

This was, of course, just what I needed while stranded

in a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melo-

dramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it's

time to play practical jokes on each other.

"Ummm... tell me, Mr. A.," I said, ignoring my

other problems and turning to the werewolf. "Do you

think you can...."

"No, non," he interrupted. "Eet is simply Pepe, eh?"

"Pepe A.," I repeated dutifully.

"Zat's right," he beamed, apparently delighted with

my ability to learn a simple phrase. "Now, before we

... how you say, get down to ze business, would you do

me ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?"

"Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He's...."

"But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so long

wished to meet you."

If there's anything that can coax Aahz out of a bad

mood, it's flattery... and Pepe seemed to be an expert

in that category.

"You've heard of me?" he blinked. "I mean...

what exactly have you heard? There have been so many

adventures over the years."

"Do you not remem-bair Piere? I was raised from a

pup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan."

"Piere? You know Piere?"

"Do I know him? He is my uncle!"

"No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that?

Pepe here's Piere's nephew. Wait'11 we tell Gus."

I retired from the conversation, apparently forgotten

in the reunion.

"Say, Skeeve," Vilhelm said, appearing at my side.

"It looks like this could take a while. Should I break out

the wine?"

That got my attention.

"Wine? You've got wine?"

"Stocked up on it after your last visit," the vampire

admitted with a grin. "Figured it might come in handy

the next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, but

talking to you and your friends is a lot more fun than

watching the tubes."

"Well bring it out... but I get the first glass. Unless

you've got lots there won't be much left after my part-

ner there gets his claws on it."

I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see

126 Robert Asprin

Pepe kissing my apprentice's hand.

"Do not be afraid, my little flow-air," he was saying.

"Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as well

as ... how should I say it, its quantity?"

"You're kinda cute," Massha giggled. "But I never

did go in much for inter-species dating, if you get my

drift."

I caught Aahz's attention and drew him away from

the group.

"Could you take over for a while here, partner?" I

said. "I've been running nonstop since the start of this

thing and could use a little time by myself to recharge

my batteries before we fire up again."

"No problem," he nodded, laying a hand on my

shoulder. "I figure we won't be moving before sunup

... and Skeeve? I haven't had a chance to say it, but

thanks for the bail-out."

"Don't mention it," I grinned weakly. "Tell me you

wouldn't do the same for me."

"Don't know," he retorted. "You've never sucker-

punched me at the beginning of a caper."

"Now that I still owe you for."

Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz

hurried away to rejoin the group.

I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secluded

corner while the party went into high gear. Pepe seemed

to be fitting in well with the rest of the team, if not fu -

tioning as a combination jester and spark plug, but

somehow I felt a bit distant. Sipping my wine, I stared

off into the distance at nothing in particular, letting my

thoughts wander.

"What's the trouble, handsome?"

"Hmmm? Oh. Hi, Tananda. Nothing in particular.

Just a little tired, that's all."

"Mind if I join you?" she said, dropping to the floor

beside me before I could stop her. "So. Are you going

MYTH-ING PERSONS 127

to tell me about it? Who is she?"

I turned my head slowly to look at her directly.

"I beg your pardon?"

She kept her eyes averted, idly running one finger

around the rim of her goblet.

"Look," she said, "if you don't want to talk about

it, just say so ... it's really none of my business. Just

don't try to kid me or yourself that there's nothing

bothering you. I've known you a long time now, and I

can usually tell when there's something eating you. My

best guess right now, if I'm any judge of the phenom-

enon, is that it's a girl."

Ever since I'd met Tananda, I'd had a crush on her.

With her words, though, I suddenly realized how badly

I wanted someone to talk to. I mean, to Guido and

Massha I was an authority figure, and I wasn't about to

open up to Aahz until I was sure he'd take the problem

seriously and not just laugh, and as for Chumley...

how do you talk about woman problems with a troll?

"Okay. You got me," I said, looking back into my

wine. "It's a girl."

"I thought so," Tananda smiled. "Where have you

been keeping her? Tell me, is she beautiful and sen-

sitive?"

"All that and more." I nodded, taking another drink

from my goblet. "She's also on the wrong side."

"Woops," Tananda said, straightening up. "You'd