Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

Anyway, he was trying to impress some little bit of fluff

with his magic, which really wasn't all that hot in those

days ... let me tell you, partner, anytime you start get-

ting depressed with your lack of progress in the magic

business, remind me to tell you what your old teacher

Garkin was like when we first met. But, as I was saying,

out of respect for the craft, I just had to wander over

and show them what the real stuff looked like... not

that I had any interest in her myself, mind you...."

I felt Guido tugging on my pantleg.

"Say, Boss," he complained. "What is this? I

thought we were in a hurry."

"This is what we needed the time for," I whispered

back.

"For thisV he grumbled. "But Boss, if we don't get

started. ..."

"We're started," I answered. "Now pay attention to

what he's saying."

110

Robert Asprin

I was afraid our side comments might have distracted

Aahz, but I needn't have worried. As per normal, once

my partner got on a verbal roll, he wasn't that easy to

stop.

"...so there we were, just the three of us, mind you,

and remember, our clothes were five floors away at this

point...."

"What's going on, Hot Stuff?" Massha hissed from

her position above me. "I know you've heard this story

before. Heck, I've heard it four times myself."

"Keep your eye on the dragon," I advised her. "And

be ready to act fast."

I was going through the motions of reacting to Aahz's

story and fielding the impatient questions of my assis-

tants as best I could, but my real attention was focused

on the dragon's head. My strategy was already working.

Aahz's droning account of past glories was starting to

take effect.

The dragon's eyes were definitely starting to glaze.

"...of course, after all that, I just had to take her

home with me. It was the least I could do for the poor

thing under the circumstances."

Aahz was winding up his story already! I had to keep

him going just a little bit longer.

"Was that the party where you met Tananda?" I

said, deliberately feeding him another cue.

"Tananda? No. That's another story completely. I

met her when I was sitting in on a cut-throat game of

dragon poker over at the Geek's. We had a real pigeon

on the line, the kind of idiot who would bet a busted

Corp's a' Corp's into a Unicorn Flush showing,

you know? Well, I was a little low on funds just then,

Guido was getting restless again.

"Boss, how much longer are we gonna...."

MYTH-ING PERSONS 111

"Not much longer," I interrupted. "Get hold of the

rope. We're about to move."

"... now I was holding Ogres back-to-back ... or

was it Elves? No, it was Ogres. I remember because

Tananda had Elves wrapped up. Of course, we didn't

know that until the end of the hand. Anyway, as soon as

the Geek opened, I bumped him back limit, and Tan-

anda ..."

That did it. I should have known a hand-by-hand,

bet-by-bet description of dragon poker would do the

trick.

Without any warning at all, the dragon yawned...

long and wide.

Aahz broke off his narration, a momentous event in

itself, and blinked his surprise.

"Quick, Aahz! Jump for it!"

Bewildered as he was, there was nothing wrong with

my partner's reflexes. He was out of the dragon's

mouth in a flash, diving through the air to catch the

rope below Guido.

As soon as his hands closed on our lifeline, several

things happened at the same time.

With the extra weight on Massha's levitation belt, our

whole formation started to sink at an alarming rate...

my apprentice lost her grip on me, giving me minor rope

burns as I clutched madly for the rope, almost too late

to follow the advice I had been so freely giving to every-

one else ... and the dragon closed his mouth.

I caught one last glimpse of the beast before we sank

from sight, and I honestly don't think he even knew we

were gone. His eyelids were at half-mast, and the eyes

themselves were out of focus from boredom. Aahz's

stories tended to have that effect on even vaguely-intelli-

gent beings. I had simply found a practical application

for the phenomenon.

Robert Asprin

112

"I've gotta change the controls, Hot Stuff!" Massha

called, alerting me once more to our current situation.

The ground was rushing up to meet us with frighten-

ing speed.

I remembered the faulty controls that held all of us at

their mercy.

"No! Wait, Massha! Let me try...."

Exerting my last ounce of reserve power, I worked at

levitating our whole crew. Under normal circumstances,

I could lift three people easily and four or five in a

pinch. Here in Limbo, using everything I had with

Massha's belt assisting me, I barely managed to slow

our descent to a moderate crawl.

"What happened there, partner?" Aahz called.

"How did you know that thing was going to yawn?"

"Call it a lucky guess," I grunted, still concentrating

on keeping us from crashing. "I'll explain later."

"Check the landing zone," Guido warned.

I sneaked a peak.

We had been at our task longer than I thought. The

sidewalk below was crowded with vampires strolling

here and there as Blut's legendary nightlife fired up.

"I don't think we can bluff our way through this

one," Aahz said calmly. "Any chance you can steer us

around the corner into the alley? There doesn't seem to

be as much of a crowd there."

Before I could answer, something flashed past us

from above with a flutter of leather wings.

"JAILBREAK!" it screamed, banking around the

corner. "Murderer on the loose! JAILBREAK!"

"I've never seen so damn many Indians."

—G. A. CUSTER

THE words of alarm had an interesting effect on the

crowd below. After a brief glance to see us descending

into their midst, to a man they turned and ran. In a

twinkling, the street was empty.

"What's going on?" I called to Aahz, unable to

believe our good fortune.

"Beats me!" my partner shouted back. "I guess none

of the normal citizenry want to tangle with an escaped

murderer. Better get us down fast before they figure out

how badly outnumbered we are."

I didn't have to be told twice. Our escape had just

gotten an unexpected blessing, but I wasn't about to

make book on how long it would last. I cut my magical

support, and we dropped swiftly toward the pavement.

"What was that that blew the whistle on us?" Massha

said, peering up into the darkness where our mysterious

saboteur had disappeared.

"I think it was that Vic character," Guido answered

from below me. "I got a pretty good look at him when

113

114 Robert Asprin

he bolted past me back at the Woof Writers."

"Really?" I asked, half to myself, twisting around to

look after the departed villain. "That's one more we

owe him."

"Later," Aahz commanded, touching down at last.

"Right now we've got to get out of here."

Guido was beside him in a second. I had to drop a

ways, as with the extra weight removed from the rope,

we had ceased to sink.

"C'mon, Massha!" I called. "Cut the power in that

thing. It's not that far to fall."

"I'm trying!" she snapped back, fiddling with the

belt buckle once more. "The flaming thing's malfunc-

tioning again!"

The belt setting had changed. Holding the rope, I

could feel that there was no longer an upward pull.