Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

truly breathtaking. Truly! My life these days was so

cluttered with crisis and dangers that a little thing like

looking down on buildings didn't bother me much, but

even I was finding it hard to breathe when confronted

up close with sheer walls adorned with stone creatures.

Still, until I felt his fingernails biting into my calves, it

had never occurred to me that such things might upset a

rough-and-tumble guy like Guido.

"Naw. I got nothin' against spiders," he replied nerv-

ously. "It's heights that scare me."

I let that one go. I was busy studying the tower which

could be viewed much more clearly from this altitude. If

anything, it looked stronger than the portion of the

building that was below us. One feature captured my at-

tention, though. The top portion of the tower, the part I

assumed was Aahz's cell, was shaped like a large

dragon's head. The window I had been expecting was

actually the creature's mouth, with its teeth serving as

bars.

I should have anticipated something like that, realiz-

ing the abundance of stone animals on every other

building in town. Still, it came as a bit of a surprise...

MYTH-ING PERSONS 101

but a pleasant surprise. I had been trying to figure a way

to get through iron bars, but stone teeth might be a bit

easier. Maybe with Aahz working from the inside and us

working from the outside, we could loosen the mortar

and....

I suddenly realized that in a few moments we would

be level with the cell... and that a few moments after

that we'd be past it! Unless something was done, and

done fast, to halt our upward progress, we'd only have

time for a few quick words with Aahz before parting

company permanently. With time running out fast, I

cast about for a solution.

The wall was too far away to grab onto, and there was

no way to increase our weight, unless....

When Aahz first taught me to fly, he explained the

process as "levitation in reverse." That is, instead of

using the mind to lift objects, you push against the

ground and lift yourself. Focusing my reservoir of magi-

cal energy, I used a small portion to try flying in reverse.

Instead of pushing up, I pushed down!

Okay. So I was desperate. In a crisis, I'll try anything,

however stupid. Fortunately, this stupid idea worked!

Our upward progress slowed to a halt with me hang-

ing at eye-level with the cell's dragon mouth.

Trying not to show my relief, I raised my voice.

"Hey, Aahz! When are visiting hours?"

For a moment there was no response, and I had a sud-

den fear that we were hanging a hundred feet in the air

outside an empty cell. Then my partner's unmistakable

countenance appeared in the window.

"Skeeve?" he said in a skeptical voice. "Skeeve!

What are you doing out there?"

"Oh, we were just in the neighborhood and thought

we'd drop in," I replied in my best nonchalant voice.

"Heard you were in a bit of trouble and thought we'd

102

MYTH-ING PERSONS 103

Robert Asprin

better get you out before it got serious."

"Who's we?" my partner demanded, then he focused

on my assistants. "Oh no! Those two? Where are Tan-

anda and Chumley? C'mon, Skeeve. I need a rescue

team and you bring me a circus act!"

"It's the best I could do on short notice," I shot

back, slightly annoyed. "Tananda and Chumley aren't

back from their own work yet, but I left a message for

them to catch up with us if they could. Of course, I'm

not sure how much help they'll be. In case you're

wondering why I'm being carried by my apprentice in-

stead of flying free, this particular dimension is excep-

tionally low on force lines to tap in to. If anything, I

think I'm pretty lucky that I brought 'these two' along

instead of ending up with a whole team of for-real magi-

cians who are too proud to use gimmicks. It's thanks to

'these two' that I made it this far at all. Now, dtf you

want our help, or do you want to wait for the next team

to float past? I mean, you're in no rush, are you?"

"Now don't get your back up, partner," Aahz said

soothingly. "You caught me a little off-guard is all. So

tell me, just how do you figure to get me out of here?"

That brought me back to earth ... or as close to it as 1

could get while suspended in mid-air.

"Umm... actually, Aahz, I was kinda hoping you

might have a few ideas on the subject. You're usually

pretty good at coming up with plans to get us out of

tight spots."

"What I want to know," Guido snarled, turning

slightly in the wind, "is how come your partner hasn't

figured a way out of there all by himself, if he's so all-

fired smart?"

I started to rebuke my bodyguard, but slowly his

words sank in. That was a good question! Aahz was

strong ... I mean STRONG! By rights he should have

been able to rip the stone teeth out of the window all by

himself. What was keeping him here?

"Oh, I'm having so much fun in here I just couldn't

bear to leave," Aahz barked back. "I'm in here because

I can't get out, that's why. What's more, if any of you

have any ideas about how to get me out, I think now's a

real good time to share them with the rest of us."

"Wait a minute, Aahz," I said. "Why can't you get

out... and how did they catch you in the first place?"

"I was framed," my partner retorted, but I noticed

his voice was a bit more subdued.

"We already know that." Impressed. "What I want to

know is why you didn't just bust a few heads and sprint

for home? You've never been particularly respectful of

local authority before."

To my surprise, Aahz actually looked embarrassed.

"I was drugged," he said in a disgusted tone. "They

put something in my drink, and the next thing I knew I

had a stake and mallet in my hands and a room full of

officials. Whatever it was they used, it kept me groggy

all the way through the trial... I mean I couldn't walk

straight, much less defend myself coherently, and after

that I was in/we!"

"The old Mickey Finn trick!" Massha snorted, rock-

ing our entire formation. "I'm surprised someone as

off-worldly as you could get caught by such a corny

stunt."

"Yeah. It surprised me, too!" Aahz admitted. "I

mean, that gag is so old, who would really expect any-

one to try it at all?"

"Only if you figured the mark was louder than he was

smart," Guido sneered.

"Is that so!" my partner snapped, ready to renew

their old rivalry. "Well, when I get out of here, you and

me can...."

104 Robert Asprin

"Stop it, you two," I ordered. "Right now the

problem is to get us all out of here before the balloon

goes up ... no offense, Massha. Now spill, Aahz.

What's so special about this cell that's keeping you bot-

tled up?"

My partner heaved a great sigh.

"Take another look at it, Skeeve. A close look."

I did. It still looked the same to me: a tower room in

the shape of a dragon's head.

"Yeah. Okay. So?"

"So remember where we are. This thing was built to

hold vampire criminals. You know, beings with super-

human strength that can change into mist?"

My gaze flew back to the dragon's head.

"I don't get it," I admitted. "How can any stone cell

hold beings like that?"

"That's the point." Aahz winced. "A stone cell

can't\ This thing is made of living stone. If whoever's

inside tries to bust out, it swallows them. If they try to