Robert Asprin - Mything Persons

"My head?" The werewolf blinked. "But she is not

... oohh. I see now. You make ze joke, eh? Good. Zat

is more like it."

"... and as far as laughing at danger goes," I joined

in, determined to hold up my end of the legend, "the

only danger I see here is dying of boredom. Where is

Vilhelm anyway?"

"I know you and Aahz are fond of each other,

Skeeve," Chumley yawned, "but you've got to spend

more time with other people. You're starting to sound

like him. Maybe you can tag along the next time I have

an assignment."

"Over my dead body," my partner said. "Besides,

what could he learn from a troll that I couldn't teach

him myself?"

"J could teach him not to catch birds for Deveels for

ten gold pieces," the troll grinned, winking at his sister.

"That seems to be a part of his education you've ne-

glected."

"Izzat so!" my partner bristled. "You're going to

teach him about price setting? How about the time you

set your own sister up to steal an elephant without

bothering to check...."

. And they were off again. As I listened, I found myself

reflecting on the fact that while it was nice to know the

depths of my friends' feelings about me, it was far more

comfortable when they managed to conceal it under a

cloak of banter. For the most part, open sincerity is

harder to take than friendly laughter.

"Don't be fooled by appearances."

—MALLOY

THINGS were pretty much back to normal by the time

Vilhelm returned with our disguises... which was a

good thing as the process of masking-up proved to be a

test of everybody's sense of humor.

Until I had hooked up with Aahz, I had never had oc-

casion to pretend I was anyone but myself. As such, I

had no way of knowing how long it took to don a

physical disguise without resorting to magic. By the time

we were done, I had a new respect for the skills I had

learned, not to mention a real longing for a dimension

... any dimension with a strong force line to work with.

Tananda was a major help, her experiences with the

assassin's guild came into play and she took the lead in

trying to coach us into our new roles.

"Guido, straighten up!" she commanded, exaspera-

tion creeping into her voice. "You walk like a gang-

ster."

"I am a gangster!" my bodyguard snarled back.

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138 Robert Asprin MYTH-ING PERSONS 139

"Besides, what's wrong with the way I walk? It got us to

the jail, didn't it?"

"Half the town wasn't looking for you then," Ta-

nanda argued. "Besides, then you could pick your own

route. We don't know where the opposition's holed up.

We're going to have to walk through crowds on this

hunt, and that walk just doesn't make it. Ninety percent

of costuming is learning to move like the character

you're trying to portray. Right now you move like

you're looking for a fight."

"Try walking like Don Bruce," I suggested. "He's a

gangster, too."

That earned me a black look, but my bodyguard tried

to follow my instructions, rising up on the balls of his

feet and mincing along.

"Better," Tananda said, leaving Guido prancing up

and down the room with a scowl on his face.

"How are we doing?"

"Lousy," she confided in me. "This is taking a lot

longer, than it should. I wish there were more mirrors in

this place... heck, any mirrors would be nice."

It hadn't been until we started gearing up that we real-

ized the Dispatcher had no mirrors at all. He claimed

they weren't popular or necessary among vampires.

This left us with the unenviable job of checking each

others' make-up and costumes, a chore which would

have been Homeric even if less sensitive egos were in-

volved.

"How're my teeth?" Massha demanded, sticking her

head in front of me and opening her mouth.

It was like staring into the depths of an underground

cave.

"Umm ... the left side is okay, but you're still miss-

ing a few on the right. Hang on a second and I'll give

you a hand."

Teeth were turning out to be a special problem. We

had hoped to find some of the rubber fangs so prevalent

in the Bazaar novelty stores to aid in our disguises. Un-

fortunately, none of the shops in Blut had them. The

closest thing they had in stock, according to Vilhelm,

were rubber sets of human teeth designed to fit over

fangs. The vampire assured us that locally they were

considered quite frightening. Faced by this unforeseen

shortage, we were resorting to using tooth-black to

blacken all our teeth except the canines for a close ap-

proximation of the vampires we were trying to imitate.

When we tried it out, it wasn't a bad effect, but the ac-

tual application was causing countless problems. When

one tried to apply the stuff on oneself without a mirror,

it was difficult to get the right teeth, and if one called on

one's friends for assistance, one rapidly found that said

friend was soon possessed by an overpowering impulse

to paint one's tongue black instead of the teeth.

"I don't like this cloak," Guido announced, grabbing

my arm. "I want to wear my trench coat."

"Vampires don't wear trench coats," I said firmly.

"Besides, the cloak really looks great on you. Makes

you look ... I don't know, debonair but menacing."

"Yeah?" he retorted skeptically, craning his neck to

try to see himself.

"You think you've got problems?" Massha burst in.

"Look at what I'm supposed to wear! I'll trade your

cloak for this rig any day."

As you might have noticed, the team was having more

than a little difficulty adapting to their disguises.

Massha in particular was rebelling against her costume.

After having been floated over our escape like a bal-

loon over a parade, we feared that she would be one of

the most immediately recognizable of our group. As

such, we not only dyed her garish orange hair, we in-

140

Robert Asprin

sisted that her new costume cover as much of her as pos-

sible. To this end, Vilhelm had found a dress he called a

"moo-moo," a name which did nothing toward endear-

ing the garment to my apprentice.

"I mean, really. High Roller," she said, backing me

toward a corner. "Isn't it bad enough that half the

town's seen me as a blimp? Tell me I don't have to be a

cow now."

"Honest, Massha," Vilhelm put in. "The style is

fairly popular here in Blut. A lot of the ladies wear it

who are ... that is, are a bit...."

"Fat!?"

She loomed over the little vampire.

"Is that the word you're groping for, Short and

About To Become Extinct?"

"Let's face it, dear," Tananda said, coming to the

rescue. "You are carrying a little extra weight there.

Believe me, if there's one time you can't kid yourself

about your body, it's when you're donning costumes. If

anything, that outfit makes you look a little slimmer."

"Don't try to kid a kidder, sweetie," Massha sighed.

"But you're right about the costuming thing. This thing

is so drab, though. First I'm a blimp, and now I'm an

army tent."

"Now that I'll agree with," Tananda nodded. "Trust

a man to find a drab mu-mu. Tell you what. There's a

scarf I was going to use for a belt, but maybe you could

wear it around your neck."

I was afraid that last crack would touch off another

explosion, but Massha took it as a helpful suggestion

and the two of them went off in search of other possible