Tera Patrick - Sinner Takes All

My mom and sister really got me through this. You don’t love a man for seven years and not have doubts. I reflected on our life together over tears with Mom and Sis in my Vegas house for weeks. I truly thought we had the game plan down and I was the luckiest girl in the world. I thought past through the days I tried to kill myself, through the dark days of Digital Playground. I remembered all of that and in my heart I remember feeling he was the only one who would hold me, the only one who would love me, and now all I could think about was “How did it get to this?” That’s what I agonized over. I knew it was over, but I thought, "How did I get here? How did this happen? Why can’t love keep people together? Why wasn’t my love enough to keep him with me? Why was porn so much more important to him than me?

Finally, I would wake up in my bed in Vegas every morning, look to my mom and say, “Mom, I’m happy to be here. This is where I truly belong: in Vegas with you, starting a new chapter in my life.” I never looked back. I realized I had been slowly falling out of love with him this past year and lost all respect for him. That said, I woke up for many mornings during this transitional time feeling a little unsure of my future, but the one thing I was 100 percent sure of was that I was making the right decision.

My mom said to me, “If you want to go back to him, I won’t judge you. Whatever you want to do, I’m here for you. You may take him back ten more times. You may go through this for six more months. Hell, you may be back with him by the time this book is out. But just know that you can do this. You can live on your own. The days of making sacrifices are over for you. And he woke that up in you. He took you on a wonderful journey and now you’re on another journey.”

She was a strong base of support and nonjudgmental guidance, and that’s what I needed. I didn’t want to hear “He’s an asshole. You should’ve done this a long time ago.” I’m sure lots of people thought that, but it’s not helpful or fair to our marriage or to Evan, and it disrespects me. I can’t and won’t dismiss what we had.

My sister Debra was by my side too. She’s my new assistant and is helping me with my new ventures. Ever since Debra and I were little girls, she has taken care of me. She is the caretaker, and that’s how she helped me get through this part of my life. When we were young and I was going through a tough time, she knew exactly how to cheer me up: grilled cheese sandwiches. Debra’s are the best. We ate a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches during this time. Debra has been my rock throughout my life and the one constant family member who has been there for me.

I think the most liberating feeling I’ve had day-to-day is waking up in my house in Las Vegas, being in a whole new city, and thinking, “Wow, I own everything in this house. I worked for this. This is all mine. It’s not his and mine. It’s mine.” I love that I’m on my own now. It’s such a liberating feeling. I’m so much happier. Not to say there hasn’t been pain or that I wasn’t happy before. I was happy. You don’t stay with someone for seven years without there being true happiness. There’s so much passion between us—both in love and in hate. And don’t think for a second that our on-screen passion wasn’t real. It was. Evan was my favorite performer to work with. On a day-to-day basis, do I think of him? Of course I do. I think of him, but not in the same way as before. I guess I was going through this for a long time. I was slowly waking up every day thinking, “Hmmm, what’s going on? What’s happening?” And I finally figured it out.

As I said, writing the book really empowered me. It made me reevaluate my life and reprioritize my needs. It was a turning point and a process of self-discovery for me. And it was a process of regaining control because I’d been out of control for so long. My split from Evan kind of reminds me of my split from my old manager at Digital Playground, Samantha. We can’t discuss the details of the divorce, as I couldn’t discuss the details of the split from Digital, but I can say I’ve had to make some financial sacrifices—I’m stronger now and can handle it. And, besides, Evan did earn it. We didn’t have a prenuptial agreement when we married, but I’m not getting screwed. And, oddly, I really don’t wish him any ill will.

I have my family back. I have my sister. I have my mother—a real support system for once. And equally as important, I have my sense of self and my wits about me and now I know too much. I have my pride and I’m OK. It was like Sleeping Beauty finally woke up. Maybe Evan was the poison apple, but I broke out of my slumber. I’m stronger. I’m not a victim and I’m not a fool and I don’t blame it all on him. I let him do porn. I encouraged it. But we agreed he’d only do it for a few years. I changed my mind. I changed my path. I changed my priorities and he refused to change with me. I’m a different person now. What I once thought was OK is no longer OK. What I once wanted, I don’t want anymore. And that’s OK. That’s natural. It is called growing up and truly finding yourself, and I truly found myself with the help of Evan and my family.

I know what to do now. I still believe in love and will marry again, but I want it to be a traditional marriage. That doesn’t mean I won’t marry another rock star, but I’ll be smarter about it next time. I know I want to keep Teravision going, but we will eventually have to evolve the company because I don’t think Evan and I will be able to continue a healthy working relationship together.

Mistress Couture, though, is 100 percent mine and Debra is helping me run it. It’s under my new Tera Patrick LLC in Las Vegas, where I now solely live. We plan to expand the line this year and I can’t wait! I also have my new burlesque show called “Sexy,” which will debut at a club in Vegas on Valentine’s Day 2010. It will be an hour-long burlesque show starring me with a troupe of eight sexy dancers. It’s like Cirque du Soleil acrobatics meets the Forty Deuce burlesque dancer. That’s right, we have burlesque aerialists in sexy lingerie. I’ve always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl, and now is the time to fulfill that dream. I’ve always loved my feature dancing gigs and will continue to hit the stage for that. I also want to write another book (or two, or three) and get back to writing a sex or love advice column like I once did for FHM (UK) and Genesis.

Evan is no longer my manager. I have a new management team and they want to continue what we started in mainstream and take me to even greater heights. The sky’s the limit! They told me I didn’t capitalize enough on the crossover that started in 2006 with that FHM cover and all of those mainstream opportunities. They told me, “You are a sex icon and should be branded as such. You are not a tragedy. You are a success story, but that story is not over.”

Another new direction I want to go in is motherhood. I want kids. We couldn’t do it in our marriage with our lifestyle and jet-setting ways. Maybe I can do it now, in a more traditional life with a more traditional man. I can’t wait to remarry and give my heart and soul to someone who wants what I want. I won’t sacrifice my needs ever again.

We love and respect each other enough to know that our individual growth and happiness are more important than fighting to stay together to make compromises that either of us just can’t live with. People change. We changed. We have made compromises and sacrifices in our lives and marriage, but we’re at a juncture where the compromises or sacrifices would change who we are and what we want to such a degree that only resentment would result.

It may seem sad, but ultimately it’s an amazing gift to help someone awaken their true desires and figure out what they truly want in life. We gave each other that gift of self-fulfillment. And now, strengthened by years together in a loving, supportive relationship, we must continue on apart.