Tera Patrick - Sinner Takes All

TAKE CONTROL: When it comes to sex, the woman usually holds all the cards and has the power to give sex the green light. You’ve got the pussy power. We decide if, when, where, and how it is going to go down. So use that power wisely. Tell your man exactly what you want. Men are not mind readers, but the good ones take direction well. Let them know when you are wet and horny. Make them pull that car over to fuck you then and there.

DRESS TO IMPRESS: Whether it’s a first date or someone you are shacked up with, you should always dress to impress. Invest in good lingerie that fits well. (Stay away from “one size fits all.” It doesn’t.) Try Agent Provocateur, and of course, my very own private label, Mistress Couture. If you look sexy, you feel sexy and if you feel sexy, well then you are sexy! Trust me, knowing you have crotchless panties on under your business suit or jeans will put a little extra pep in your step. Also, heels not only add a few inches, but they also lift your booty, improve your posture, and lengthen your legs. So, leave the shoes on, ladies, especially when you are going to do some standing doggy!

GET CREATIVE: As much as many men love their partner to be nothing more than a fuck doll who gets tossed around, it is good to have a few tricks up your sleeve. Go back and reread the section on page 66 on sexual positions or watch my porn to get some visual tips and tricks. For example, reverse cowgirl in front of a mirror not only gives you G-spot stimulation, but gives your man a full view of your beautiful body. You may not want to try compromising positions like a pile driver on your first date.

KITTY GROOMING: A well-groomed kitty is a happy kitty. Whether you want to go bald with a full Brazilian wax job or leave a California landing strip, a nice presentation of your private parts is important. The pros prefer to wax, andI personally get waxed monthly at the Honey Suite in Sherman Oaks, California, where the lovely Dana cares for my kitty. Before an on-camera sex scene, it is common courtesy for the girl to douche before being intimate. The same should go for off-camera sex. It keeps you feeling fresh and smelling good and will encourage your man or woman to go down on you all night long. Another trick of the trade: always use an enema before anal sex. It will provide you the confidence to really let go.

GO FOR IT: Overcome your sexual inhibitions. Be a flirt, watch porn, have a threesome, try anal sex, or have a one-night stand. Experiment with public sex, give good phone sex, do a girl, kiss strangers…. Whatever you do, just be safe and be sexy! It is the only life you have, so go out and live it to the fullest. Tell ’em Tera said so!

10/12/09

Well, I never thought I’d be writing this chapter. Over the course of putting together this book over the past year, a lot has changed. And the biggest change is that I am no longer with Evan. You probably already know this, as I announced I was divorcing him in September. Oh boy, did our haters have a field day with that news. But it’s OK. When my writer, Carrie, and my editor asked me if I wanted to rewrite the book in light of this postdeadline development, I told them no. I meant everything I said and my feelings, thoughts, and ideals were all real at the time. I meant every word of it and I have no regrets. Even though one decision I made early on—the one to let him get into porn—is what ultimately ended my relationship with Evan, I don’t even regret that decision. Let me explain.

Evan and I have been through a lot together. He got me through my suicide attempt, my mental craziness, and my painful split from Digital Playground. He also took me to new heights and helped me achieve more than I ever thought I would. He helped me reap the financial rewards that I couldn’t achieve with Digital. Through those experiences, he taught me strength and helped bring out the Tera in me who is smarter, wiser, and more independent. Even though now Evan and I are on separate paths and need to follow our different dreams, I will forever be grateful to him for bringing out the strong woman I always knew I had in me. I wish him the best in the next phase of his life. Life is a journey and Evan has been the most important step in my journey so far. But as I grew with him, I got to a point in life where I learned to be more secure, and I realized I could do it on my own. Writing this book, too, was a journey of self-discovery, an awakening. I see things differently now and my priorities have changed.

Though Evan and I grew together over our seven-year relationship, we have also grown apart over the past year. We each want different things. I learned that I want to have a normal life. I want a traditional marriage and I want to be a mom. Porn is my past. Evan wants to finish what he started in porn. If you want the dirt, here it is. I gave him an ultimatum: Give up your porn career or give up me. He wouldn’t give up porn. Of course, I was heartbroken at first, but now I feel free. Free to do what I really want to do. Free to live my life in a different way. Free to get the happy ending I always wanted, which was to marry a rock star, live happily ever after, and have it be just about me and him. Not him, me, and whatever chick he’s fucking the next day. What was once OK to me is no longer OK.

To explain how it went down, I’ll have to start by explaining my choice in men. As you might have noticed while reading this book, I’ve always been attracted to the bad boy, the rocker, the biker, and the rebel. But with that comes the good and the bad. I don’t want to blame my father, but I would not be honest if I didn’t admit that maybe his not always being in my life is what drove me to domineering, alpha males. I’ve depended too much on the men in my life and given them an opening to take control. Over the years, I’ve let men have power over me. It’s a pattern I now see. Good or bad, love him or hate him, Evan is a domineering alpha male.

I think my dad knows his absence has affected my relationships, and I think he feels a little guilty about that and knows that is why I gravitate to men who are controlling. I love my dad, but by the same token, when I’ve needed my dad at certain times in my life, he hasn’t been there. Other boyfriends have been there and Evan was really there for me. Evan helped me through a lot and helped me be more independent and secure. So independent and secure, in fact, that I was able to walk away from him when I decided things weren’t right. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming Daddy. I did this all on my own, and that’s OK. That’s what growing up is all about.

When I started my courtship with Evan, he was a rock star and acting on one of the hottest shows on TV, HBO’s Oz. I wanted to marry a rock star and live happily ever after. I didn’t want to marry a porn star, and that is what he became. I thought I had my dream fulfilled, but ultimately the dream backfired on me. I know Evan loved me and still does, but I also see that I was his way into porn. (OK, haters, this is where you scream, “No shit!” Go ahead and say it or think it. I can take it. My eyes are wide open now.) He was looking for his entry into porn and he got it through me. So, yeah, I do feel used to some extent, but I can’t discount what he did for me in the process. People will gossip and say, “You’re just seeing this now?!” But my answer to that is this: I was blinded by love. I believed he would only do porn for a few years and move on. I truly believed him.

Evan achieved his goal, but in the end I suffered. He was the dominating male who ran my life, and in that I lost a lot of myself. He was living the dream—he was going to bed with Tera Patrick at night and going to work in the morning and fucking another girl. I wanted a husband for life who only loved and wanted me. I wasn’t living my dream. However, in the moment, I thought I was.