David Baldacci - Fries Alive

Freddy went inside. His sister was sitting on the bed wearing a long green cape with a big, high collar and a red paper crown. She held a scepter that was really her baton, and wore large brown boots on her feet. She looked like a giant grasshopper with red hair. Her big costume trunk stood open next to her bed.

Freddy stared at her. “Uh, Nanny Boo-Boo, what are you doing?”

“Ah, my loyal subject. Down on your knees before your queen.”

Freddy’s eyes bugged out. “Excuse me?”

His sister rose. “Or I’ll just have to go and tell Dad all about what I saw outside your deeesssgggusting lab today.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“A big purple blob called Wally?”

“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“Let me refresh your memory. The same big purple thing ate four hundred pies at a pie fac-tory. And then there was a big blue thing that scared the town of Pookesville to death. And a green and a red thing with two heads that put an entire baseball team in the hospital.”

“It was only the emergency room.”

“Aha!” cried out Nancy triumphantly. “I knew it. At first you didn’t care who knew. You were going to be rich and famous, but now you can’t let anyone find out, can you? Well, it’s going to cost you, you little brainiac.” She peered down at him smiling evilly. “Here’s the deal. You’ll do exactly as I say from now on.”

“Aw, stick a cheese cube up your nose.”

Nancy went to the door and called down the hallway. “Oh, Dad… Freddy can explain why the police were here today.”

“Hold on, hold on!” said Freddy frantically as he shut the door. If Chief Spanker found out about this he would never believe that it was just Freddy’s doing. He would think Freddy’s dad was involved and his father would go to jail for real. But even more than that, Freddy didn’t want his dad to find out that he’d made the Fries in the first place. He’d used his father’s super secret potatoes and nanotechnology without permission. Worse, he’d created the Fries without thinking through the consequences, like his father had taught him to.

His sister was waiting expectantly. Finally, Freddy answered reluctantly, “Okay.”

“Now, my list of demands,” said his sister as she unfolded a piece of paper that was so long it went all the way to the floor. “First, from now on, no more Nanny Boo-Boo. Now my name is Queen Nancy the Nicest of Nantucket.”

Freddy stared at her dumbly. “We’ve never even been to Nantucket,” he said, “and you’re not really very nice.”

“I know that! I just like the way it sounds. Next, you’ll do all my chores and give me all your allowance.”

“But -” Freddy began to protest, but she cut him off.

“Next,” she went on, “When it’s my turn to take out the trash you’ll do it for me.”

“But that’s not fair!”

“Oh, Father,” she called out, “do you want to hear about a big, fat purple -”

Freddy clamped his hands around her mouth. “Okay, okay, I’ll take out the trash.”

“Next, you’ll make my breakfast, carry my books to school, help me with my science homework, and…” The list just went on and on. And poor Freddy just knelt there on one knee and agreed to it all. What else could he do?

“Is that all, Nanny B -” he finally said.

“Tut, tut, tut, remember what we discussed.”

“Yeah, well, I’m -”

“Oh, Father,” she shouted, “I have something important to tell you.”

“Okay, okay,” said Freddy quickly. He sighed. “Queen Nancy the Nicest.”

“Of Nantucket,” she added.

“Of Nantucket,” Freddy grumbled.

After the Funkhousers got back from the Burger Castle that night, Freddy raced to his lab to see the Fries.

Wally wailed, “Look, little dudiski, I haven’t eaten in over four hours! I’m starving to death.” He tapped Theodore on the shoulder. “Look at me, Theodore. Can you still see me or am I too thin?”

Theodore took off his glasses and wiped them. “I don’t need my glasses to see you, Wally. In Latin you would be known as purpulis enormosis.”

“Purpulis enormosis,” Wally bellowed. “That sounds important.”

“So is everything okay?” asked Ziggy. “Are we still going to be famous?”

“I don’t even know if I’ve figured out a way for us to keep on living in this country,” answered Freddy despondently.

“Is it really that bad?” asked Theodore.

“The police arrested my dad, property was damaged, people went to the hospital, and the whole town is up in arms,” said Freddy. “Other than that, everything’s great.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” squeaked Ziggy.

“Not that I can think of, Ziggy, but thanks for asking.”

“Whew, that’s a relief,” said Wally. “Okay, let’s eat.”

“I’ll get some food and bring it down to you,” said Freddy. “Is there anything else you guys need?”

“Well, some books would be nice,” answered Theodore. “Some good literature.”

“All right!” exclaimed Wally. “I love good literature.” He paused and added, “That’s a cheese, right?”

“That’s limburger!” said Theodore in exasperation.

Si piped in, “Well, you could bring some cards back. That way I can play Meese and get my five bucks back.”

“Well, of course you will. I always lose!” complained Meese.

“Do you want anything, Ziggy?” asked Freddy.

The little Fry thought for a moment. “Well, do you have a spare blanket?”

“Sure thing,” said Freddy kindly. “Okay, books, cards, blanket.” He looked over at where Curly was keeping watch by the window. “Curly, do you want anything?”

Curly mumbled, “CouldIpleasehaveaballandglove?”

“You bet, Curly, I have those in my room. I’ll throw some with you.”

Curly blew his nose and wiggled his ears in thanks.

Just then, Freddy’s special phone rang. Someone was at the entrance to the lab.

Freddy answered it, “Who’s there?”

“Howie Kapowie.”

“Password?”

“Adam Spanker poops in his pants.”

Freddy pressed a button, there was a scream, and Howie fell from the ceiling and into a pile of straw.

“I thought you were going to fix that,” complained Howie. “Now I’ve got hay up my butt.”

“I’ve been a little busy, Howie,” Freddy shot back.

“I came here to tell you something really important. I was at my aunt’s flower shop today when this stranger came in and ordered a bunch of flowers to be delivered to the Spankers’ restaurant the day before the parade. I saw his car outside. It had New York license plates.”

“Was he well-dressed and short with blond hair and a thin mustache?”

“That’s him.”

“Like you said I bet he’s some big-shot designer they hired to build their float for them. That means the Spankers are breaking the rules.”

“I bet they are, but there’s no way for us to prove it.”

“I guess that’s true,” sighed Freddy.

Howie pulled out a cheese cube and was about to pop it in his mouth when a long purple arm shot out and snagged it.

“Hey,” cried out Howie as he watched his cheese cube disappear into the abyss of Wally’s mouth.

“MMMM. Me love cheese cubes,” said Wally. “Do you have any more?” He headed toward Howie, who started backing up.

“Uh, Freddy, I’m getting ready to pee in my pants here,” yelled a terrified Howie.