David Baldacci - Fries Alive

“Yeah!” cried out Chief Spanker as he slapped his notebook against his beefy hand. “Now what do you say to that?”

“Well, I personally don’t know anything about it. It would have taken quite a scientist to come up with something like that. In fact, I wish it had been me.”

“Oh you do, do you? Well, we’re going to give you some time to think about that. Come on, you’re under arrest.”

Spanker took out his handcuffs and put them on Alfred.

A cheer went up through the Spanker gang. “You tell him, Dad,” yelled Adam.

“Wait, you can’t arrest my dad,” cried Freddy.

“Oh, I can’t, can’t I? Give me one good reason why not. He’s the only one in town who makes crazy things like that. You Funkhousers have been trouble since the first day you came to Pookesville.”

“You’ll be an old man by the time you get out of jail, Funkhouser,” taunted Adam.

A terrified Freddy stared at everyone. Adam shot him raspberries and raised his paintball gun menacingly. Chief Spanker eyed Freddy with disgust. But the worst thing of all was Freddy’s father looking at him.

“But… but,” stammered Freddy.

“What’s the matter, Funky,” said Adam, “C-c-ca-cat got your tongue?”

“It’s okay, Freddy,” said his father calmly. “I’ll go downtown and get this all straightened out.”

“Yeah, right,” said Chief Spanker, belly laughing. “I’d get used to not having your father around for a while,” he said as he led Alfred away.

“But we have to work on our float for the parade,” protested Freddy.

Adam howled. “Wait’ll you see the Patty Cakes float. You haven’t got a chance, Funkhouser.”

Chief Spanker put Alfred in the patrol car.

Freddy was trying hard not to cry in front of Adam and his gang, but he couldn’t help himself. He ran to the police car and put his face against the window where his father was sitting.

“Dad -” he said tearfully.

“It’s okay,” his father said quietly. “I’ll be home in time for supper. Go find your sister and tell her what happened.”

The car drove off and Adam and his gang immediately circled around Freddy and Howie.

“Something tells me you two know a lot more than you’re saying, Funky,” said Adam accusingly.

Freddy and Howie drew closer to each other. “You… you’re tres… trespa -” Freddy stammered.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Adam looked through the open doors of the large barn that sat across from the farmhouse. “Hey, what do we have here?” He and his gang raced into the barn.

“Stop!” cried Freddy. He and Howie chased after them.

Inside the barn was the Funkhouser’s float for the Founders’ Day parade. Alfred had taken an old tractor chassis and put a flatbed trailer over it. The Funkhousers had built a wooden frame on top of the flatbed trailer in the form of a giant Vroom shake. Nancy also had added a platform at the top of the shake made to look like a balcony, where she could deliver her Shakespeare monologues to her adoring fans; it was accessed by a trapdoor in the platform.

Adam and his gang circled it. “This is the biggest piece of junk I’ve ever seen,” said Adam, kicking one of the old tires and rattling the wooden frame.

“Hey, look at this,” said one of his gang. He pointed to a banner that read: “The Burger Castle: the King of Groovy Food.”

“What a pack of baloney,” said Adam. He reached up and tore down the banner.

“Stop!” cried out Freddy.

Adam turned to him. “What did you say?”

Freddy turned pale. “I… I said, I mean…”

Howie confronted Adam. “He said stop it, you big fathead! Now get out before there’s trouble.”

Adam towered over Howie, who gulped and quickly stepped behind Freddy.

“I tell you what I’m gonna do, Funky. I’m gonna put this stupid float out of its misery.” He turned to his gang. “Ready, boys?”

“Ready,” they all answered.

“Charge,” commanded Adam. He and his gang attacked the float and within minutes turned it into a big pile of junk. Then Adam grabbed Freddy and threw him on top of the pile of junk.

“See ya, Funky,” laughed Adam. He and his gang got on their motor scooters and rode off.

“Freddy,” said Howie fearfully, “are you okay?”

Freddy lay sprawled on top of the ruined float. “Actually, Howie, I’m getting used to this.”

At that moment Nancy came into the barn and shrieked when she saw what had happened to the float. “Freddy Funkhouser, what have you done?”

Freddy lifted his head and started to explain. “It wasn’t my… oh, forget it.”

“Ruined. Absolutely ruined. It’s over, all over. We can’t possibly fix this in time,” she said tearfully. “I’m going to tell Dad. Where is he?”

“Uh, in jail,” answered Howie meekly.

“Jail!”

“It’s a long story, Nanny Boo-boo,” said Freddy wearily.

“I’ll get even with you if it’s the last thing I do, Freddy,” said his sister as she stalked out.

Howie said, “I guess I better be getting home.”

“I guess so.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Know a good lawyer?”

“Uh, no.”

“How about a good psychiatrist?”

“Uh, no.”

“Then there’s nothing you can do.”

After Howie left, Freddy just lay there. “Well,” he said to himself, “at least there’s one good thing. I don’t see how it could possibly get any worse.”

Unfortunately, Freddy could not have been any more wrong about that.

Alfred returned to the farm later that day. Freddy and his sister gave him big hugs.

“Was it awful in jail, Dad?” asked Nancy.

“I was never in jail, dear,” said her father.

“But Chief Spanker -” began Freddy.

“Wiser and calmer heads prevailed,” said his father. “When I pointed out there was not a shred of evidence tying me to any of these claims of mischievous monsters, Judge Thackery immediately let me go. At least the Judge is no friend of the Spankers. But we’re not out of the woods yet. Chief Spanker said he’s going to keep a close eye on all of us. And there’re a lot of angry people out there because of what happened. There’s even been a big reward offered for their capture.”

“Mischievous monsters?” said Nancy. “What are you talking about?”

Alfred looked at Freddy. “Didn’t you tell your sister what happened?”

“Uh, I kind of forgot.”

Alfred quickly told Nancy all about it. Before he was even finished she was staring pointedly at her little brother. Under her breath she muttered, “Big purple thing, huh?”

Their father said, “Well, we’ve got to get going. We’re going to be late for the dinner hour at the Burger Castle.”

“But we never have any customers!” she declared.

“Now, dear. We still have to go. Some hungry person might come in by accident. I’ll make dinner and you two go and wash up.”

After Freddy ate dinner, he ran to his room to get his chicken costume before they headed to the Burger Castle. He stopped abruptly at his bedroom door. Taped on it was a drawing of Wally. And below the picture were the words “I know everything.” And it was signed “You know who.”

Freddy ripped down the picture and slowly trudged to his sister’s room and knocked on the door.

“Enter, O guilty and shameful one!” his sister cried out.