David Baldacci - Fries Alive

On the way back the Fries shared their adventures with one another.

“Those people wouldn’t even listen to me,” said Theodore indignantly as he brushed dirt and grime off his bowtie. “It was most undignified having to escape on the top of a train, of all things.”

“Well, what about us?” wailed Meese. “We were almost trampled to death by people who throw little balls around and then cheer about it.”

“Yeah, it was the coolest thing that ever happened to me,” said Si excitedly. Meese bopped him on the head.

“Wow, nice punch there, Meese,” noted Si. “You’re a good hitter.”

Howie said, “I’ve never been to a baseball game like that. Pretty weird.”

“Well, I had a great time at the pie factory,” said Wally.

“He threw up all over the forest,” said Freddy. “It was pretty disgusting. All the animals gave us really mean looks for destroying their home.”

Wally replied in an offended tone, “Hey, I offered to clean it up.”

“Yeah, using a leaf,” shot back Ziggy.

“One of the squirrels bit me in the butt. I think it left a mark,” complained Wally.

When they got to Freddy’s lab, the Fries looked around in amazement at all the equipment and gadgets.

“Cool, little dudee-rudee,” commented Wally. “So can you, like, invent food with all this stuff?”

Theodore pointed to a wall of odd-looking things. “What are those?”

“Things my dad invented. Anti-gravity flight belts, pill slingers, neuromuscular disruptors, you know, just your basic stuff.” Freddy looked at all the Fries. “Okay, guys,” he said, “After what happened today, you’ve really got to stay here in my lab. Okay?”

The Fries all nodded.

“Let’s go, Howie,” said Freddy.

When they reached the farmhouse, they stopped dead. There was a police car in the driveway. And there was Adam Spanker’s father, Police Chief Stewie Spanker, confronting Alfred Funkhouser.

Behind them, on their motor scooters, were Adam Spanker and his gang, looking very, very happy.

“Wow, cool,” said Howie. “Is your dad going to be, like, arrested? I’ve never seen anybody arrested before except on TV.”

“No, he’s not going to be arrested,” answered Freddy hotly. He stared nervously at the police chief and the Spanker gang. “At least I hope he’s not.” He paused and added, “I wonder what Dad’s blown up now?”

Freddy and Howie ran up to Alfred, who was holding something that looked like twenty pairs of scissors connected together and attached to a large battery thingamajig in his right hand. He held a large pizza pie in his left hand.

“Dad, what’s going on?” asked Freddy.

“I’m not sure what’s going on, actually. Chief Spanker wanted to talk to me.”

Chief Stewie Spanker looked just like his son except bigger and meaner. “Look, Funkhouser,” said Chief Spanker, getting right in Alfred’s face, “we know you like to do crazy experiments and come up with stupid gadgets.”

“Stupid gadgets?” exclaimed Alfred. “I don’t invent stupid gadgets.”

“He invents useful stuff,” said Freddy defensively. “Like… well, like the…”

“Like the tomato-seed shooters,” prompted his father.

“Right,” said Freddy, “and the salad that comes up out of the ground all ready to be tossed in a bowl. Dad gave that formula away to everyone in Pookesville for free.”

“Yeah, well, that salad had a certain odor to it,” growled Chief Spanker.

“That’s what they invented air fresheners for,” advised Alfred.

Freddy added excitedly, “And then there’s the non-nuclear mosquito defeater. And the anti-gravity flight belt.”

“Still working out some control problems on that one,” pointed out his father.

“And then there’s the neuromuscular disruptor to capture criminals.”

“The Jelly Legger, I like to call it,” said Alfred proudly. “You should get some for the police department, Chief.”

“And then there’s the burp pill for upset stomachs,” added Freddy.

Chief Spanker looked very upset. “I actually tried that one. Everything came out the other end… for days!”

“That’s why I renamed it the pooper pill,” said Alfred.

Chief Spanker stared pointedly at the scissor thing. “So what’s that, a new gadget to cut hair?”

“Oh, this?” said Alfred. “It’s a battery-powered pizza cutter that cuts an entire pizza into perfect slices in two seconds. Here, I’ll show you.”

He handed the pizza to Spanker, turned on the battery, and engaged the scissors. Two seconds later the pizza remained uncut, but the police chief had no hat left – and no hair, either.

“Oh dear,” said Alfred, staring at the now nearly bald policeman. “I thought I had worked that problem out. Well, actually, it does have application for hair cutting. If you come into the Burger Castle I’ll give you some of our fat-free fries. They’re good at growing hair back.”

Spanker snatched the scissors contraption out of Alfred’s hands and threw it down. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dumpy restaurant of yours. And assaulting a police officer is a crime.”

“But I didn’t mean to -”

“Throw him in jail, Dad,” shouted Adam. “And his nutcase son too.”

“I wish you’d ask your son not to call my son names,” said Alfred.

“Hey, hey!” yelled Chief Spanker, sticking a big finger in Alfred’s chest. “You watch your mouth. Adam is a very sensitive boy.”

“But I didn’t -”

“Give it a rest, Funkhouser, you’re in enough trouble.” The policeman consulted his notebook. “Now let me see, two months ago you attempted to launch a trash can into orbit using a rocket engine attached to the roof of your Dodge station wagon. Said trash can did not make it into orbit but rather came down and landed in the community swimming pool three miles away. Call me silly, but that seems a little crazy.”

“Well, first of all, it wasn’t a trash can,” explained Alfred Funkhouser.

“That’s right,” said Freddy. “It was a solar-powered meteorological data-gathering platform designed to circle the ionosphere and transmit valuable information back to the home station.”

“Well, when it landed in the swimming pool it looked just like a trash can,” responded Spanker impatiently. “Now, let’s get to today’s events.” He looked at his notebook again. “We have three separate incidents of large, colorful creatures causing considerable trouble in the area. First, a red thing with -” Spanker checked his notes again and shook his head, “- two heads and a green thing that rose way up in the air disrupted a local baseball game, causing considerable mayhem and a number of injuries.”

The police chief continued. “Next, the Pookesville Pie Factory was attacked, and four hundred pies eaten by a fat purple thing that had a little yellow sidekick whose face, arms, and legs fell off. Lastly, a large blue thing that knew how to play chess really well created hysteria in downtown Pookesville and then escaped by jumping onto a moving train.” The policeman closed his notebook and tapped it against Alfred’s chest. “Now are you going to try and tell me that you had nothing to do with all that, Funkhouser?”

With each description, Freddy’s eyes grew wider and wider and his stomach started doing bigger and bigger flip-flops. This was all going so wrong.

Alfred was staring at his son, his hand rubbing his very sharp chin, a sure sign his brain was on high-speed computing mode. “A fat purple thing that could eat four hundred pies? A two-headed red thing and a yellow creature who loses body parts? A blue thing that could play chess and jump on moving trains, and a green thing that could rise way up in the air?”