Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

Organizm(-:

I bet a hundred xxx the Minotaur’s Monstradamus.

Monstradamus

Stop clowning about.

Organizm(-:

Theseus, answer us!

IsoldA

At least tell us if you’re here or not! Theseus!

Monstradamus

By the way. If the moderators can fulfil our wishes, why don’t we ask them to open the door?

UGLI 666

But what’s outside the door?

Organizm(-:

We can find out.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

You be careful, or the door might really go ahead and open.

Ariadne

I’ve composed a little poem. Dedicated to Monstradamus.

Monstradamus

Let’s hear it.

Ariadne

The Minotaur lurks at the door,

His axe it gleams moon-bright.

‘Dear Watson this could not be more …’

Then silence in the night.

Monstradamus

A bit on the dark side. But maybe I deserve it for being so suspicious.

Organizm(-:

An experiment. Doors, open!

UGLI 666

Lord have mercy!

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I warned you!

Ariadne

Did it happen in all the rooms?

Monstradamus

It did in mine.

UGLI 666

Do you mean the music or the door?

Ariadne

The whole thing at once.

IsoldA

I’ve got sky outside. Grey. Looks a bit like a park. Everything seems quiet. I’m going out to explore.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Hey, Isolde, wait! It could be dangerous out there!

UGLI 666

It’s dark out there.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Isolde!

Nutscracker

Did everyone hear the trumpets?

Ariadne

Do you think they were trumpets?

Organizm(-:

Doors, close!

Nutscracker

xxx be praised.

Monstradamus

Organizm, don’t go trying any more experiments like that.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Now how’s Isolde going to get back? Doors, open!

Nutscracker

xxx, eh? Again!

Monstradamus

Let’s just keep calm and get our bearings.

Organizm(-:

Okay, I think I’ve got it. When the door opens, a lever shaped like a leg with a hoof moves out and down.

UGLI 666

Lord save us and keep us!

Nutscracker

To make the door close, you push the lever. To make it open, you press on the axe in the middle. So everyone can open their own door when they want to.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

It works.

Monstradamus

What can you see outside the door?

Ariadne

There’s another room outside mine.

UGLI 666

Semi-darkness. Benches, a lot of benches.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Fresh air at last.

Sartrik

Two fridges full of booze. So there is a God after all!

Organizm(-:

Plywood walls painted to look like bricks. It all looks pretty naff.

Nutscracker

I’ve got a load of electronic equipment.

Organizm(-:

I’m hungry. Hey, you moderators, how’s about a bit of nosh down here? Right … I think I’ve got it. You have to turn this thingy that way, and then that thingy this way … Now we’re talking.

Monstradamus

What?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What was it you turned, tell us.

Organizm(-:

They sent down some pancakes with jam. Not bad for Ancient Greece. I feel like a nice quiet meal, so I’m taking a break now.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Enjoy your meal. Just tell us what it was you turned.

Organizm(-:

When I’m feeding my tum, I go all deaf and dumb.

Ariadne

Organism, you only need to type two words! Then you can go ahead and eat in peace.

Nutscracker

Organism, we’re all asking you.

Organizm(-:

I’m busy.

UGLI 666

I never understood before why gluttony is a sin. Then a spiritual friend of mine explained. Gluttony is not so very terrible in itself. But it’s a sign of a base soul. The same thing applies to debauchery. The soul doesn’t become debased through committing these acts. A base soul manifests itself through them.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

No, you won’t get under his skin that easily.

Monstradamus

Moderators! Give us all something to eat!

Ariadne

I heard some kind of noise. But where’s the food?

Monstradamus

There’s a small flap to the right of the monitor. Just a rectangle in the wall. Lift the flap and you’ll find a tray behind it.

Ariadne

I found it, thank you.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

But what are you supposed to turn? Organism said …

Ariadne

He was just joking, Romeo. Having a laugh.

Nutscracker

Let’s all eat in peace. Bon appetit .

IsoldA

I’m back. Who’s there?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I am. Is everything all right?

IsoldA

Yes.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I was worried.

IsoldA

I was only gone for a moment. Where’s everyone else?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

They’re eating. There’s just the two of us.

IsoldA

What’s outside your door?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

A labyrinth of neatly trimmed rough bushes higher than my head. And running between the bushes is a dirt pathway.

IsoldA

And I’ve got the same kind of bushes along the sides of an alley.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

An alley?

IsoldA

My door opens into a park. The alley starts right outside and along the sides there are bushes. With treetops showing above them in places.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What I’ve got is more like a corridor between the bushes, I wouldn’t call it an alley. And it starts winding straightaway, so I can’t see anything but leaves. It’s more like a narrow corridor than anything else, neatly sliced through the bushes by something like a combine harvester.

IsoldA

What colour is the ground there?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Beige.

IsoldA

It’s beige here too. We’re near each other!

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What else did you see?

IsoldA

I didn’t go very far. There are lots of alleys, and they keep branching and twisting and turning corners. I wasn’t afraid in the least. Quite the opposite, what I saw gave me a really good feeling. The labyrinth might be complex, but it’s impossible to get lost in.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Why?

IsoldA

Because there’s a plan hanging at every place the path branches. And there’s a little sign on the plan: ‘You are here’.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

That’s handy all right. And wasn’t there any little sign saying: ‘The Minotaur is here’?

IsoldA

No.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I was joking. Did you meet anyone?