Victor Pelevin - Helmet of Horror

Nutscracker

In the same kind of room. I think the door’s made of cast bronze. But Organism, the symbol on the soap looks more like a star than a cogwheel. In fact it looks like the symbol they use in books for a footnote. It’s even on the loo paper, every sheet.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

So we’re all in the same hotel. Let’s try knocking on the walls. Can you hear anything?

Organizm(-:

No.

Nutscracker

Me neither.

Organizm(-:

I’ll try knocking on the door, listen.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I can’t hear a thing.

Organizm(-:

So how did we get here?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Personally speaking, I haven’t got the slightest idea. How about you, Organism?

Organizm(-:

I just woke up here wearing this pooftah’s housecoat with nothing underneath it.

Nutscracker

It’s not a housecoat. It’s a chiton – the kind of tunic the ancient Greeks used to wear, so I won’t take issue with your opinion of it. I don’t think they wore any underclothes either.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

It’s a good job it’s warm in here then.

Organizm(-:

So, maybe you remember how you got here, Nutcracker?

Nutscracker

No, I don’t.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Why have you two got such odd names – Organizm, Nutscracker?

Nutscracker

Well, why have you got such an odd name, Romeo? Is your cohiba really such a whopper?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I suppose that depends whose you compare it with. And anyway, it wasn’t me who invented the name. It just appears on the screen when I send a message. I’m not Romeo, I’m xxx. A professional xxx, if anyone’s interested.

Organizm(-:

Porn business? Socially significant work. You and I are almost colleagues, Romeo – I’m a xxx. I used to work at xxx.com, so I’m temporarily out of a job. But there’s not much danger of that for you.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

How did the porn business get mixed up in all this? And what are all these x’s?

Nutscracker

That’s not the first time they’ve appeared. It’s the censor. Someone’s monitoring our conversation. And he doesn’t like it when we try to exchange information about who we really are. Or start swearing.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Hey, you, whoever you are! I demand that you allow me to contact my family immediately! And the xxx embassy!

Nutscracker

What makes you think there’s a xxx embassy here?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

There’s a xxx embassy everywhere.

Nutscracker

Are you sure? What if we’re in xxx?

Organizm(-:

Apparently you guys can understand each other without words. But I don’t understand what the xxx embassy is, and where xxx is, if there’s no xxx embassy there. And what the xxx you want it for anyway.

Monstradamus

Hi there, is it okay if I join in your discussion?

Organizm(-:

Who are you, Monstradamus?

Monstradamus

xxx. I live in xxx and I’m a xxx.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Perhaps you ought to try something a bit more original?

Monstradamus

I’ve read all the messages on this thread. I’m in the same situation, the same room, the same fancy getup. And I don’t remember how I got here, either.

Nutscracker

So now we are four. That’s nice.

Organizm(-:

What’s so nice about it?

Nutscracker

Maybe more will turn up soon. The more heads we have, the better our chances of coming up with something.

Organizm(-:

And what if we’ve simply died?

Nutscracker

Don’t panic! Dead people don’t hang around in chat rooms.

Organizm(-:

We don’t know that for a fact. Maybe that’s all they can do.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

If this is the afterlife, then I for one am disappointed.

Nutscracker

Let’s discuss the situation. I suggest we don’t take Organism’s hypothesis about the afterlife into consideration.

Organizm(-:

Then maybe it’s a dream?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Pinch yourself. Maybe you’ll wake up. I tried already, it didn’t work.

Nutscracker

Right, so everybody has a bronze door. Let’s try figuring out the design on that door. It’s a figure like a rectangle with the upper and lower edges bent inwards and the sides bent outwards.

Organizm(-:

It looks like a bat. Or the Batman symbol.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I reckon it’s a double-headed axe.

Organizm(-:

Maybe it’s just decoration, without any meaning. But Romeo saying it looks like an axe has made me think so too. The fascists used to have axes like that – or was it the ancient Romans?

Monstradamus

If it is an axe, it’s much older than Rome. They used to have axes like that in Crete and ancient Egypt.

Organizm(-:

Are you a historian then, Monstradamus?

Monstradamus

No. I’m a xxx.

Organizm(-:

Hey, that’s right. I forgot.

Ariadne

Hi. I’m glad I’m not the only one here.

Organizm(-:

Hi there, darling.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Where there are boys, there have to be girls. Some funny rainbow-coloured patches of light just appeared on my walls.

Monstradamus

That’s odd, I had them too. Or maybe I imagined it.

Nutscracker

Ariadne? Did you start this thread?

Ariadne

Yes. But no one answered, and I fell asleep.

Monstradamus

So why did you write that phrase about the labyrinth?

Ariadne

I was trying to remember where it came from, but I couldn’t. I had the feeling it was very important.

Monstradamus

Who are you and how did you get here?

Ariadne

I’m in exactly the same situation as you.

Organizm(-:

In that case, we know all about you already. Your real name’s xxx, you’re xxx years old and you come from xxx.

Ariadne

I know what’s going on here.

Nutscracker

How?

Ariadne

I saw it all in a dream.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I don’t think I’d exactly regard that as bona fide information.

Monstradamus

I wouldn’t mind hearing about it, though. Tell us about it.

Ariadne

I saw this old city. I mean, really ancient. The kind they must have built thousands and thousands of years ago. It was really beautiful there. Roads paved with big, flat stones, stone walls covered with living curtains of some climbing plant with pale-pink flowers. The doors and windows of all the houses were locked, but all the time I had the feeling I was being watched by someone. I wandered round the streets for ages, but I didn’t meet anyone. And then on the crossroads up ahead of me I kept catching sight of a dwarf dressed in grey rags and a strange hat with a wide brim and a round crown. Every time I spotted him, he instantly darted round a corner, as though he could feel my gaze on his back. It happened lots of times, over and over again. Soon I realised he wasn’t hiding from me, it was just that the rhythm of his movement was linked with the rhythm of mine so I couldn’t see him for more than those few seconds. Only don’t ask me how I realised it, in a dream everything has its own logic. I began trying to adjust to the rhythm, trying to get a better look at the dwarf. By choosing broad, straight streets, I could keep him in my field of vision for longer. But most of the streets were narrow and crooked – the way they linked up made a genuine labyrinth. I realised there were actually two dwarves, but it was easy to confuse the second one with the first. He was dressed in exactly the same way, in some old rags, only the brim of his hat was bent up on one side. Gradually I became certain there was someone else with them as well, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the third person. Sometimes I could just catch a glimpse of the edge of his dark cloak from round a corner. I guessed I needed to find the way to the main street – it would be long and wide and I would be able to see all of them …