Victor Pelevin: Helmet of Horror

Nutscracker

Of course we’re interested.

Monstradamus

In the first place, the names. Has anyone any guesses on that score?

UGLI 666

Names of demons from hell.

Monstradamus

The soap, the toilet paper and other items in the bathroom are all marked with something that looks like the symbol for indicating a footnote – a little star. It’s called an asterisk, which is also the name of the character Ariadne dreamed about. It sounds a lot like ‘Asterius’.

UGLI 666

What’s ‘Asterius’?

Monstradamus

‘Starry’ in Latin. Asterius, the son of Minos and Parsiphae. The half-man, half-animal from Crete. Better known as the Minotaur.

Sartrik

That one on the ‘Remy Martin’ bottle?

Organizm(-:

No, the ‘Remy Martin’ beast is a Cyclops. The Minotaur is a freak with a bull’s head.

Sartrik

God, I feel really sick.

Monstradamus

Now for that double axe on the door. In Greek it’s called a ‘labros’. That’s where we get the word ‘Labyrinth’, the place where the Minotaur lived. Some accounts say it was a beautiful palace with lots of corridors and rooms, according to others it was a foul-smelling cave with numerous branches plunged in eternal darkness. Or it could be that people from different cultures had different impressions of the same place.

IsoldA

But what has an axe got to do with a labyrinth?

Monstradamus

They find them in Crete. Where the labyrinth was. That’s all I know.

UGLI 666

Maybe the Minotaur was killed with an axe like that?

Monstradamus

Let me go on with the names. As well as Asterius and Asterisk, it’s hard not to notice another coincidence. It was Ariadne who dreamed about him. That was the name of the Minotaur’s sister. And it was also Ariadne who started this thread with the question about the labyrinth.

IsoldA

It’s a very common name. I had a lotion for dry skin called ‘Ariadne’s Milk’.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Names and coincidences are all very well. But what I don’t understand is – what are we going to do?

Monstradamus

Well, what can we do? Wait for Theseus, who will lead us out of the labyrinth. And hope the joke doesn’t go too far.

UGLI 666

Does it seem like a joke to you?

Monstradamus

Well, I’d say our hosts certainly seem to have a sense of humour.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I haven’t laughed even once yet.

Nutscracker

Monster’s right. There’s definitely humour in all of this, only it’s infernal humour. Forcing serious people like us to call each other by idiotic names. Dressing us in ancient Greek chitons and making us sit at these screens. And then the Internet we end up in has about as much to do with the real one as we do with Ancient Greece.

Organizm(-:

It’s not really all that different. The screen design is an imitation of the ‘Guardian’ site. The heading is the same – ‘Guardian Unlimited’. And the chat area looks the same. The difference is there are hundreds of threads there. But we’ve only got one.

Monstradamus

The name makes sense though. Our Guardian really is unlimited.

Nutscracker

And another joke is the Merrill Lynch symbol on the flag.

Organizm(-:

But Ariadne saw the flag in a dream, so it’s not clear whose joke it is. Our moderators’ or hers.

Monstradamus

I wouldn’t like to alarm anyone, but shouldn’t we consider the possibility that Ariadne herself is also a joke by our moderators, as Organism called them.

Organizm(-:

Why’s that?

Monstradamus

Because, phenomenologically speaking, she only exists in the form of messages of unknown origin signed ‘Ariadne’.

Ariadne

Thanks. Ariadne.

Monstradamus

Ariadne, please don’t take offence. I’m talking about a hypothetical possibility. It doesn’t mean I suspect you of anything. The same thing could apply to any of us.

Organizm(-:

What does ‘phenomenologically’ mean?

Monstradamus

It’s the way you can see these words now.

Ariadne

Everything I told you was the truth.

Nutscracker

Nobody ever doubted it. Nebuchadnezzar’s just theorising, right?

Monstradamus

I’m not Nebuchadnezzar.

Nutscracker

Sorry, Monstradamus.

Monstradamus

I’m no more Monstradamus than I am Nebuchadnezzar, so what’s the difference?

Organizm(-:

You know what I think? Either no one’s noticed it or everyone has, but no one’s saying.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What’s that, then?

Organizm(-:

We don’t post our messages complete, like in a normal chat room. The words appear on the screen one letter at a time, in real time. We can even interrupt each other, and then three dots appear at the end of the phrase that’s interrupted.

Nutscracker

Everyone’s noticed that.

Organizm(-:

But at the same time, as far as I can tell, no one’s made a single spelling mistake yet. Not a single typing error. Doesn’t that seem a bit strange?

Monstradamus

That’s richt.

Nutscracker

They cantroll our entire canvasation.

IsoldA

Are yew ploying the foul?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

No, I woodn’t deram of it.

Monstradamus

Me kneether. It’s the mooderattors.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Step mucking us, you ratten scam!

UGLI 666

There’s no point in getting upset, Romeo. It won’t help matters.

IsoldA

Have they really stopped?

Organizm(-:

Good for you, Romeo! They did what you told them to. Why not try telling our moderators to do something else?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Stick your xxx up your xxx and give it a double right twist.

IsoldA

They’re following every word we write.

Monstradamus

Maybe that’s why Theseus isn’t saying anything?

Organizm(-:

What Theseus?

Nutscracker

The one who killed the Minotaur, Organism. Or who has to kill him. What do you have in mind, Monstradamus?

Monstradamus

Maybe he’s already here, but he doesn’t want the moderator to notice him. And I suspect the moderator’s our bronze mushroom.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

You talk about him as if you’d seen him with your own eyes. But we don’t actually have any reason to believe he exists.

Ariadne

Who do you mean? Theseus or Asterisk?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Both.

Monstradamus

And for exactly the same reason, Romeo, there’s no reason to believe that you exist.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

That just about does it. Leave it out, will you?

Ariadne

Perhaps Theseus is one of us?

Nutscracker

Perhaps the Minotaur’s one of us.