Victor Pelevin: Helmet of Horror

IsoldA

No. But several times I had the feeling there was someone just round the corner.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

And was there anything like what Ariadne was talking about?

IsoldA

Yes, kind of. Only not exactly. Once I spotted some roofs above the bushes, but they were a long way off. And I saw fountains with different kinds of figures.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Like the one Ariadne talked about?

IsoldA

I don’t know. I went through a few forks in the path and at every one there was a small … I don’t know what to call it – an oasis, I suppose. Trees and a fountain with bronze figures of animals. First a hare and a tortoise. They were sitting facing each other, with their faces lifted up to the sky. Their mouths were open and there were long thin streams of water spurting out. To be quite honest, it looked a bit ridiculous, as though they were spitting at an invisible ceiling that was too high, so that everything just fell back down on their own heads. At another fork there was a fountain with a fox and a crow. The crow was high up in the tree, and so big it looked more like an eagle. There was a water pipe leading up to it, hidden among the leaves. The fox was squatting on his haunches gazing up at the crow as though it was trying to hit it with the stream of water spurting out of its throat, but it couldn’t reach high enough. The crow had its wings pulled back and up and its beak was open, and there was another stream of water spurting out of that, as though the sight of the fox made it feel sick.

Sartrik

Now that’s something I can understand.

IsoldA

What do you understand?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Take no notice. You’re a wonderful storyteller, Isolde. It was like seeing it all with my own eyes.

IsoldA

Yes, I forgot to say. The plan that was hanging everywhere looked more like an old engraving than something modern. Or like an enlarged photocopy of an engraving. And written on it in this strange oblique typeface was: plan du labirinthe de versailles . What could that mean? Is it from the word ‘verse’? Because there are characters from fables in the fountains?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

A plan of the labyrinth at Versailles. That’s a real piece of luck.

IsoldA

Versailles? Then why is it written with a small letter?

Monstradamus

I could suggest that’s not really the strangest thing about our surroundings.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Do you mind not butting into other people’s conversations?

Monstradamus

Sorry, I didn’t realise it was private.

IsoldA

And where did you go, Romeo?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I haven’t been outside yet.

IsoldA

Why not?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I think it’s some kind of trap.

IsoldA

I think it’s a trap, too. But we’re already caught in it anyway. And the room you’re sitting in is just as much a part of it as what’s outside the door.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

That’s true. I suppose I ought to go out and scout around. Maybe I could find the way to your fountains.

IsoldA

Wait, Romeo. It’s dark out there already. You can go tomorrow. Why don’t you tell me what you look like instead? Are you like what Ariadne said?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I don’t understand why everyone’s decided I was the man she dreamed about. The only things we have in common are the tattoo and the moustache. We’ve already dealt with the tattoo. That just leaves the moustache. And that’s like identifying a man by the colour of his tie.

IsoldA

Are you really bald?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Not bald, my head’s shaved. That’s a big difference. People go bald because they have no choice, but they shave their heads out of self-respect. Even if it does look the same from a distance. And my mole is really small, you can hardly see it. And anyway, who doesn’t have some kind of a mole on his face?

IsoldA

Are you handsome?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What does ‘handsome’ mean?

IsoldA

Well, it means a man is nice to look at.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Nice for who? I got used to the way I look ages ago. And as far as anyone else is concerned, it depends on the circumstances. But one thing I can say for certain is you needn’t be afraid of being with me.

IsoldA

What do you mean? Do you mean I wouldn’t be frightened of you? Or do you mean that with you I wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything?

Nutscracker

He’s trying to say that if you’re with him even he won’t frighten you.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Just give people a chance to talk, will you? Isolde, can I ask you something about yourself?

IsoldA

Such as?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Such as … Do you like poetry?

IsoldA

Sometimes.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Who’s your favourite poet?

IsoldA

Caroline Kennedy.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What has she written?

IsoldA

‘The Favourite Poems of Jacqueline Kennedy-Onassis.’

Romeo-y-Cohiba

And what do you look like?

IsoldA

How would you like me to look?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

I’d like to know how you really look.

IsoldA

Medium height. Dark hair. Green eyes. They say I’m beautiful.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

But can you describe yourself so I can imagine how you look?

IsoldA

I have been told … But I’m not sure it’s worth mentioning.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What have you been told?

IsoldA

I was compared once to a cover of ‘The New Yorker’ that had a drawing of Monica Lewinsky as the Mona Lisa. Only I look five times younger.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

You mean you look like Monica Lewinsky?

IsoldA

No, not at all.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Like the Mona Lisa then?

IsoldA

Not in the slightest. I suppose it sounds stupid.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

It sounds just fine. I just don’t quite get it.

Monstradamus

Allow me to explain. There was nothing mysterious about Monica Lewinsky, and nothing sexual about the Mona Lisa. But if we imagine the scintillating mystery of the Mona Lisa fused with the earthy sensuality of Monica Lewinsky, and then add the charm of early youth, we get Isolde. Get it now?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

How many damn times do I have to tell you not to go butting into other people’s conversations, Nebuchadnezzar?

Monstradamus

I’m not Nebuchadnezzar.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Don’t butt in anyway. I thought you wanted to eat. So why don’t you?

Monstradamus

I’ve already eaten.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Then have something to drink. Isolde, they won’t give us any peace.

IsoldA

It’s late already. Let’s go to bed.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

OK. See you tomorrow, if it ever comes.

IsoldA

Let’s hope it does. Ah yes, something else I forgot to tell you. I braid my hair at the back.