Victor Pelevin: Helmet of Horror

Monstradamus

Is that how the dream ended?

Ariadne

I didn’t see Asterisk again. Suddenly the dwarf and I were somewhere else, on one of the little streets, facing an old wooden door with a handle in the form of a ring set through the head of a bull. The dwarf knocked on the door with the ring and it opened. Inside there was a small room. From where we were standing all we could see was a bed with a man sleeping on it, a tall man with a moustache and a mole beside his nose. The dwarf muttered that we were in the wrong place, led me to a different door and opened it in the same way. The room behind it looked the same, but it was empty. The dwarf raised his finger and asked, ‘I shall construct a labyrinth in which I can lose myself, together with anyone who tries to find me – who said this and about what?’ I started thinking about it – in the dream I almost knew the answer. Then suddenly he pushed me inside and slammed the door shut.

Monstradamus

What happened after that?

Ariadne

The push woke me up and I found myself in the room I am in now. Then I sat down at the desk with the screen and typed in that question. I was afraid I might forget it. But I can still hear it in my head now.

Monstradamus

Is it the same room as you entered in the dream?

Ariadne

It’s hard to say. It’s just as small.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

And who was the man with the mole beside his nose?

Ariadne

I don’t know. I’d never seen him before.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Can you describe him in more detail? Exactly where was this mole of his?

Ariadne

Between the side of the nostril and the cheek. He had a horseshoe moustache too. And he was absolutely bald. Big. I definitely remember that his arm was lying on the pillow and it had a tattoo on it, an anchor with a dollar sign twisted round it. I though it might be a yacht club symbol. A pretty moth-eaten type really.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Well thanks a lot, sweetheart.

Nutscracker

I suspect someone might just have recognised himself. Right, Romeo?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

No one’s ever called me a moth-eaten type before. But I do have a tattoo like that on my arm.

Nutscracker

So does anyone have any ideas?

Organizm(-:

I don’t get it, are we seriously discussing someone’s dream?

UGLI 666

I think …

Nutscracker

New members, please introduce yourselves to the group straightaway. What do you think?

UGLI 666

The Lord sent her that vision to make us repent.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

That’s just great. We’ve been locked up in here, and we have to repent? Repent for what?

UGLI 666

What we were locked up for.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

And what were we locked up for?

UGLI 666

Each of us for his own reason. For it is said: ‘There is no man that shall live without sin, though his life be but a single day.’

Organizm(-:

Ugly, what sex are you?

UGLI 666

That’s of no relevance.

Organizm(-:

Is he/she really serious?

Monstradamus

I think he/she means what he/she says.

UGLI 666

I’m female, since it interests you so very much. My name’s xxx, I’m a xxx by profession and a xxx by education, but by vocation I’ve always been a xxx. I’ve read everything already. And I have nothing interesting to add. As for whether I’m being serious or not, you can be quite sure I always mean what I say.

Organizm(-:

Tell me, Ugly, did you invent your views to match your name or was your name invented to match your views?

UGLI 666

My name’s for my sins. And so is yours.

Organizm(-:

But do you know what ‘UGLI’ really means? It’s not from the word ‘ugly’ as you probably thought. It’s ‘Universal Gate for Logic Implementation’. A universal logic element, I remember that from school. So if you chose your views to match your name you were looking in the wrong place altogether.

Monstradamus

We were talking about Ariadne’s dream. It has been suggested that she was shown it specially and it contains information for everyone.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

What does that mean – shown it specially? This isn’t a cinema. And if the information’s for everyone, then why was it shown to Ariadne?

Organizm(-:

You’ll get a showing too, don’t be in such a hurry.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

You think that monster in the bronze helmet really is walking about outside our doors?

UGLI 666

You don’t have to take everything so literally. In the dream the door was made of wood, with a bull’s head. But in here it’s made of bronze, with an infernal symbol. Dreams are metaphorical.

IsoldA

Ariadne saw Romeo in her dream and when she described him he recognised himself. What kind of metaphor is that?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Who says I recognised myself? It was just a couple of details that matched.

IsoldA

But what kind of details? There can’t be many tattoos like that. An anchor with a dollar sign.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Let’s introduce a bit of clarity here. I actually do have a tattoo on my arm, just above the wrist. It’s a fountain of oil, gushing up through a dollar sign. From upside down it looks a bit like an anchor. That’s all. I don’t know what tattoo she saw. And my yacht club symbol is nothing like that.

Sartrik

xxx me, a xxx sailor.

Nutscracker

New members, once again, please introduce yourselves.

Sartrik

I’m absolutely xxx. My entire body aches.

Monstradamus

Have you been beaten up, or what?

Sartrik

I feel sick. Is there any beer to be had around here?

Monstradamus

I doubt it. Did you overdo it yesterday then?

Sartrik

Something of the sort.

Nutscracker

How did you end up in here?

Sartrik

I don’t remember a thing.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Leave the man alone, let him get his head together. But can this dream of Ariadne’s be interpreted scientifically? Seems to me Monstradamus knows about that kind of thing.

Monstradamus

What does ‘interpreted scientifically’ mean?

Romeo-y-Cohiba

Well, for instance, this Asterisk is tall, with a big helmet. That symbolises the male sexual organ in a state of erection.

Organizm(-:

And the two dwarves symbolise the balls, do they?

Nutscracker

Cool it, Romeo. Sometimes a cochiba’s just a cigar.

IsoldA

Could you talk about that separately somehow?

UGLI 666

I second that motion.

Organizm(-:

Unfortunately we can’t just go out into the corridor.

Romeo-y-Cohiba

You didn’t answer the question, Monstradamus. Can the dream be analysed?

Monstradamus

If you’re thinking of penis symbolism, then I’ve got nothing to add to what Nutcracker said. But I do have a few observations along an entirely different line. I can share them if you’re interested.