Danielle Steel - Full circle

“I can see the head … oh, God … sweetheart … it's here.…” And suddenly a tiny red face popped out, as Russell cried, and Tana looked at him and gave another ferocious push which forced the baby from her womb, and the doctor held him in his hands as the baby began to wail. They cut the cord, tied it, and cleaned him rapidly, suctioned his nose, wrapped him in a warm blanket, and handed him to Russ.

“Your son, Russ.…” The doctor smiled at them both. They had worked so hard and so long, and Tana looked at him victoriously now.

“You were wonderful, sweetheart.” Her voice was hoarse and her face was gray, as he kissed her tenderly.

“I was wonderful?” He was deeply impressed by what he had just seen her do. It was the greatest miracle he had ever seen. And at forty years of age, she had it all now. She looked at him. Everything she had ever wanted … everything … her eyes filled with tears as she reached out to him, and Russ gently put the baby in her arms, as he had once put it in her womb.

“Oh, he's so beautiful.…”

“No.” Russell smiled at her through his tears. “You are, Tan. You're the most beautiful woman in the world.” And then he looked at his son. “But he's pretty cute too.” Harrison Winslow Carver. They had long since agreed on that. He came into the world blessed in name, and life, and love.

They wheeled her back to her room a little before noon, and she knew she would never want to do it again, but she was glad she had this once. Russell stayed with her until she drifted off to sleep, the baby slept in the little bed they had left there for him, and Tana, all clean again and sleepy now and so much in love with him. She opened her eyes once, drifting from the shot they'd given her for the pain afterwards. “I love you so much, Russ.

He nodded, smiling again, his heart forever hers after tonight. “Shhh … sleep now … I love you too.

When baby Harry was six months old, Tana looked at her calendar with despair. She had to go back to work the following week. She had promised she would, and she knew it was almost time, but he was so sweet, and she loved spending the afternoons with him. They went on long walks, and she laughed when he smiled. They even dropped in on Russ at his office once in a while. It was a leisurely way of life she had never known, and she hated to give it up, but she was not yet ready to give up her career.

And once she was back on the bench, she was glad she hadn't given it up for good. It felt good to be back again. The cases, the verdicts, the juries, the decisions, the routine. It was incredible how fast the days flew by, and how anxious she was to come home at night, to Harry and Russ. Sometimes she would find Russ already at home with him, crawling around on the rug, and playing games with him. He delighted them both, and he was like the first child born on earth to them. Lee teased them about it when she came out to visit with Francesca, her little girl, and she was already expecting another one.

“And what about you, Tan?”

“Listen, at my age, Harry is enough of a miracle. Let's not push my luck, thanks.” And even though the pregnancy had been a breeze, the delivery had been more painful than she thought. Though, with time, even that didn't seem quite as awful as it once had. And they were both so happy with the baby. “If I were your age, I might, Lee, and even then … you can't have everything, a career and ten kids.” Not that it frightened Lee, though. She still had her job, and even now with the second one on the way, she was planning to work right till the end, and come back afterwards. She had just won the Coty Award and she wasn't giving that up. She didn't see why she should. She could do both, so why not?

“How was your day, sweetheart?” She threw her briefcase on a chair and bent to kiss Russ as he scooped the baby into his arms, as she glanced at her watch. She was still nursing him three times a day. Morning, evening, and late at night, and she wondered when his last feeding had been. She loved the closeness it gave her to the child, the silent moments in the nursery at three A.M. when only she and Harry were up. She had a sense of providing for his well-being which satisfied her too, and then there were other benefits as well. She'd been told that she was unlikely to get pregnant again as long as she was still nursing him. “Do you think it would matter if I did it till he's twelve?” she had asked Russ one day and he had laughed at her. They had such a good life, the two of them. It had been worth waiting for, no matter how long it took. At least she said that now. She had just turned forty-one, and he was fifty-two.

“You know, you look tired, Tan.” Russell was looking carefully at her. “Maybe the nursing is too much for you, now that you're back at work.” She fought the idea, but her body voted with him, as slowly, in the next few weeks, her milk dried up. It was as though her body didn't want to be nursing Harry anymore. And when she went to the doctor for a checkup, he weighed her, felt her, checked her breasts, and then said he wanted to do a blood test on her.

“Something wrong?” She glanced at her watch. She had to be back in court by two.

“I just want to check something out. I'll call you this afternoon.” On the whole, he had found her all right, and she didn't have time to worry about it. She rushed back to City Hall, and when her clerk signalled her at five o'clock, she had forgotten that she was expecting the doctor's call.

“He said he had to speak to you.”

“Thanks.” She took the phone, scratching some notes as she listened to him, and suddenly she stopped. That couldn't be. He had to be wrong. She had been nursing until the week before … hadn't she … she sat down hard in a chair, thanked him, and hung up. Shit. She was pregnant again. And Harry was wonderful, but she didn't want another one. She was too old for that … she had her career … this time, she had to get rid of it … it was impossible … she didn't know what to do. She had a choice, of course, but what would she say to Russ? Tell him she had aborted his child? She couldn't do that. She spent a sleepless night that night, resisting him when he asked her what was bothering her. She couldn't tell him this time. It was all wrong … she was too old … her career meant too much to her … but Lee was going to continue her career after her second child … or was it meaningless? Should she resign from the bench? Would the children mean more to her in the end? She felt torn ten thousand ways and she looked like a nightmare when she woke up. Russ looked at her over breakfast and didn't say anything to her at first. And then, just before he left, he turned to her.

“You busy for lunch today, Tan?”

“No … not that I know of…” But she didn't want to have lunch with him. She had to think. “There's some stuff I really should get off my desk.” She avoided his eyes.

“You have to eat. I'll bring sandwiches.”

“Fine.” She felt like a traitor not telling him, and her heart felt like lead as she went to work. She had dozens of small matters in and out of her court, and at eleven o'clock she looked up to see a wild-eyed man, with a mane of frizzy gray hair springing out of his head like watchsprings gone wild. He had planted a bomb in front of a foreign consulate, and the matter had to be set for trial. She began to go through all of the motions, and then suddenly stared at his name and looked up with a grin. And for no reason anyone understood in court, she had to disqualify herself. The man's name was Yael Mc-Bee, the wild-eyed radical lover she'd had in her last year of law school at Boalt. The boy who had gone to jail for bombing the mayor's house. She saw from his records that he had been in prison twice since then. How odd life was. So long ago … it brought Harry instantly to mind … and the funny little house they'd shared … and Averil so young then.… and the wild hippie commune she had visited with Yael. She looked across the court at him. He had grown old. He was forty-six years old now. A man. And still fighting for his causes in his unruly ways. How far they'd come, all of them … this man with his wild ideas. His documents said that he was a terrorist. A terrorist. And she was a judge. An endless road … and Harry gone, and all their bright ideas a little dim, some of them forgotten, so many gone … Sharon … Harry … and new lives in their places … her son, little Harry, named after her friend, and now this new baby in her womb … it was amazing how life went on, how far they came, all of them … She looked up and saw her husband, standing there, looking at her, and she smiled at him, and dismissed the matter of Yael McBee from her court, called a recess for lunch, and walked into her chambers with him.