Danielle Steel - Full circle

“I think you've been working too hard.” She had had the flu on and off for almost three weeks and he was insisting on her going to see the doctor finally.

“I don't have time for that.” But she was so tired and draggy and so frequently sick to her stomach that she finally went, and she got the shock of her life. It was what she had wanted so desperately, but now, suddenly it was there. And it terrified her. She didn't have time for that. She had an important job. She would look ridiculous … she had never wanted that.… Russ would be upset with her … she stewed so terribly that she didn't even go home until seven o'clock that night and Russ knew there was something terribly wrong the minute he laid eyes on her. But he let her unwind for a while, fixed her a drink, opened a bottle of Chateau Latour with their dinner, but she didn't drink a drop of it, and she was still tense when they went upstairs that night and there was an odd look in her eyes. He was actually getting very worried about her, and as soon as she sat down, he pulled a chair up next to her.

“All right, now tell me what happened to you today. You either lost your job or your best friend died.”

She smiled sheepishly and visibly relaxed as he took her hand. “You know me too well.”

“Then do me the favor of taking me into your confidence.”

“I can't.” She had already made up her mind. She wasn't keeping it. But Russ was not going to fool around. His voice rose ominously, the famous frown appeared, and her knees would have shaken if she didn't know him as well as she did. Instead she laughed at him. “You know, you're very scary when you look like that.”

He laughed exasperatedly at her. “That's the whole point. Now talk to me, dammit. What the hell is going on with you?”

She stared at him for a long, long time, lowered her eyes, and then raised them to his again. “You're not going to believe this, sweetheart.”

“You want a divorce.”

“No, of course not.” She smiled at him. Somehow he always made things less terrible. She had been hysterical all day, and now he had her laughing again.

“You're having an affair?”

“Wrong again.”

“You were kicked off the bench.”

“Worse than that.…” She was beginning to look serious again, because in her mind what had happened meant the same thing. How could she keep her job with that? And then suddenly there were tears in her eyes and she was looking at him. “I'm pregnant, Russ…” For a moment everything around them stopped and then suddenly he swept her into his arms and he was laughing and smiling, and acting as though it were cause for celebration and not suicide.

“Oh, sweetheart … I'm so glad.” He absolutely beamed at her and she stared at him.

“You are? I thought you didn't want any children.” She was stunned. “We agreed.…”

“Never mind. Our baby is going to be so beautiful … a little girl that looks just like you…” He had never looked happier and he held her close as she frowned unhappily. She had wanted this, but now that it had happened, she couldn't imagine it, except in the worst light.

“But it'll ruin everything.…” She was on the verge of tears again, and he was anxious to comfort her.

“Like what?”

“Like my job. How can I be a judge with a baby at my breast?”

He laughed at the image she had in mind. “Be practical. You work right up till the last day before it's born, and then you take six months off. We get a good nurse, and you go back to work.”

“As easy as that?” She looked shocked.

“It can be as easy as you want, my love. But there's no reason why you can't have a career and a family. It may take a little juggling sometimes, but it can be done with a little resourcefulness.” He smiled at her, and a long, slow smile began to dawn in her eyes. There was the possibility that he was right about that, and if he was … if he was … it was what she had wanted more than anything, and she wanted both. For years she had thought she could only have one.… But she wanted more than just her work … she wanted Russ … she wanted his child … she wanted everything … and suddenly the void she had been feeling for months, that ache, the terrible emptiness, was gone again.… “I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.” She looked at him, and the tears slowly overflowed as she smiled at him. “Everything is going to be just fine, you know … and you're going to look just wonderful.”

“Ha!” She laughed at him. “I've already gained six pounds.…”

“Where?” Tickling and teasing her, he began to look for them, and Tana lay in his arms and laughed.

The judge walked ponderously to the bench and sat down carefully, rapped the gavel smartly twice, and went on with the morning's calendar. Her bailiff brought her a cup of tea, at ten o'clock, and when she stood up at the noon recess, she could barely walk back to her chambers again. The baby was, by then, exactly nine days late. She had planned to stop working two weeks before, but she had everything so well organized at home that she had decided to work until the bitter end. Her husband picked her up right outside City Hall that night, opening the door smiling at her.

“How'd it go today?” The pride he felt showed easily in his eyes and she smiled back at him. It had been a beautiful time for them, even these extra days. She enjoyed the opportunity to spend these last days alone with him, although she had to admit that she was getting terribly uncomfortable. Her ankles looked like lamp posts by four o'clock in the afternoon, and she had trouble sitting for that long, but she didn't have anything else to do.

She sighed. “Well, the verdict is in. I think I might give it up at the end of this week, whether the baby shows up or not. What do you think?”

He smiled at her as he drove her home in the new Jaguar he had just bought. “I think that's a pretty good idea, Tan. You could sit around for a couple of days, you know.”

“Fancy that.”

But she never got time for that. Her water broke at eight o'clock that night, and she suddenly turned to Russ, terrified. She knew it was going to happen eventually, but suddenly it was now, and she had the overwhelming urge to run away, and there was no place to run. Her body would follow her everywhere. But Russ saw easily what she felt, and tried to comfort her.

“Everything's going to be just fine.”

“How do you know that?” She snapped at him. “What if I need a Caesarean? Christ, I'm a hundred years old, for chrissake.” Actually, she was forty years old plus four months. She suddenly looked at Russell and began to cry. She was terrified, and the contractions started almost as soon as her water broke.

“Do you want to lie down here for a while, Tan, or do you want to go to the hospital?”

“I want to stay here.” He called the doctor for her, brought her a glass of ginger ale, flipped on the television across from their bed, and smiled to himself. It was going to be a big night for them, and he also hoped that everything would go well. He was confident that it would, and he was particularly excited. She had insisted on their doing Lamaze training together, and although he hadn't been present at the birth of his girls so many years before, he was going to be with Tana for the birth of their child. He had promised her, and he could hardly wait. She had had the amniocentesis five months before, but they had opted not to know the sex of the child. And Russ could feel a mounting feeling of excitement now for both of them. By midnight, Tana had had a short nap, and she was in control again. She smiled up at him, and he timed her pains, and at two o'clock he called the doctor again, and this time they were told to come to the hospital. He picked her bag up from the hall closet where it had sat for the last three weeks, helped her into the car, and out again at the hospital, and helped her to walk inside. She could hardly walk now, and the contractions took all her concentration and his help, just to get her through them, but they were nothing like the pains she felt once she went into transition three hours after that. She was writhing in pain on the bed in the labor room, and she was clutching at his arm, as he felt his own panic begin to rise. He hadn't expected it to be quite like this, she was in such agony, and by eight o'clock the baby still hadn't come. The sun was up, and she lay there panting horribly, her hair damp, eyes wild, looking at him as though he could do something for her. And all he could do was breathe with her and hold her hand and tell her how proud he was of her, and then suddenly at nine o'clock everyone began to run around. They wheeled her into the delivery room, strapped her legs up, and she cried as the pains came now. It was the worst pain she had ever known in her entire life, and she felt as though she were drowning as she clutched at him, and the doctor urged her on, and Russell cried, and Tana knew she couldn't stand it anymore. She wanted to die … to die … to.…