Danielle Steel - Full circle

“When are you going to start behaving like a real wife and nag me a little bit?”

“I forgot, I guess.” He smiled at her, and they talked about her house again. She had been thinking about renting it. It was so pretty that she didn't want to sell it, yet she knew she would never live there again. “Maybe I should just sell it after all.”

“What if I rent it from you for Beth and John when they come home?”

“That would be wonderful.” She smiled at him. “Let's see … you can have it for two kisses and … a trip to Mexico.…” He laughed at her, and eventually they decided to keep the house and rent it out and Tana had never been happier in her life. It was one of those rare times when everything feels in total control, going just the way you want, when she ran full tilt into someone one day. She was hurrying from her courtroom to meet Russ for lunch, and suddenly found herself staring into Drew Land' face. He looked as though someone had just struck oil on his front lawn when he saw who she was, and they stood chatting amiably for a minute or two. It was incredible to realize how much pain he had caused her once. As she looked at him, she could barely even imagine it. It was even more amazing to realize that Julie and Elizabeth were eighteen and twenty-two. “Good lord, is it as long ago as that?”

“It must be, Tan.” His voice was smooth, and suddenly she was annoyed by him. She could see from his eyes that he was making assumptions that were no longer appropriate, and hadn't been for a long, long time. “Eileen and I have been divorced for six years now.” How dare he tell her that … how dare he have gotten divorced after hurting Tan so much for her.…

“That's too bad.” Her voice was cool, and she was losing interest in what he said. She didn't want to be late for Russ. She knew he was working on an important case.

“Gee … I wonder if … maybe we could see each other sometime. I'm living in San Francisco now.

She smiled at him. “We'd love to see you sometime. But my husband is just buried in a big case right now.” She smiled almost evilly at him, waved her hand with a few garbled words, and was gone. And Russ could still see the victory in her eyes when he met her for lunch at the Hayes Street Grill. It was one of their favorite haunts, and she often met him there, to kiss at a corner table, and neck happily over lunch, while people smiled at them.

“What are you looking so pleased about?” He knew her very well.

“Nothing…” And then, she kept no secrets from him, she couldn't have anyway. “I just ran into Drew Lands for the first time in almost seven years. What a bastard he is. I guess he always was, the weak little shit.”

“My, my, what did he do to deserve so many epithets?”

“He was the married man I told you about…”

“Ah!” Russ looked amused at the fire in her eyes. He knew he was in no danger of losing her to anyone, not because he was so sure of himself, but because he knew the kind of love they shared. It was one of those rare, rare things in life, and he was deeply grateful for it. He had never had a love like this before with anyone.

“And you know what? He finally divorced his wife.”

“Predictably.” Russ smiled. “And now he wanted to take you out again. Right?”

She laughed at him. “I told him we'd love to see him sometime, and then I skibbled off.”

“You're a little witch. But I love you anyway. How was court today?”

“Not bad. I have an interesting case coming up, an industrial injury. It's going to be messy but it brings up some very intriguing points and technicalities. How's your monster case coming along?”

He smiled at her. “I'm finally getting it back into its cage. And,” he looked at her strangely for a minute, “I had a call from Lee.”

“How is she?”

“Fine.” He looked at his wife, and she looked at him. There was something odd in the air.

“Russ, what's wrong?” She was worried about him. He looked strange.

“It's happened. They've finally done it to me. I'm going to be a grandfather.” He looked at once delighted and distressed and Tana laughed at him.

“Oh, no! How can she do a thing like that to you?”

“That's exactly what I said to her!” And then he smiled at Tana again. “Can you imagine that?”

“With difficulty. We'll have to buy you a white wig so you look the part. When is she having it?”

“January. For my birthday, apparently. Or New Year's Eve, something like that.”

As it turned out, the baby was born on New Year's Day, and Russ and Tana decided it would be a lark to fly to New York and visit her. He wanted to see this first grandchild of his, another girl, like his own two. And he reserved a suite for them at the Sherry Netherland, and off they went. Lee was happily ensconced at New York Hospital's Lying-in, in the best room they had, and the baby was sweet and pink, and Russell made all the appropriate noises and when they went back to the hotel, he made passionate love to his wife. “At least I'm not totally over the hill yet. How does it feel to make love to a grandfather, my love?”

“Even better than it was before.” But there was something odd in her eyes when she looked at him, and he saw it instantly. He grew very quiet and pulled her into his arms next to him, their naked flesh touching, and he loved to feel how velvety she was, but he was worried about her. Sometimes, when something mattered to her a lot, she burrowed deep inside herself and he could see her do it now.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?” He spoke in a whisper near her ear, and she turned toward him with a look of surprise.

“What makes you think something's wrong?”

“I know you better than that. You can't fool an old man like me. At least not one who loves you as much as I love you.” She tried to deny it for a long time, and then much to his astonishment, she broke down and cried in his arms. There was something about seeing Lee and her baby that had filled her with the most awful pain … an emptiness … a void more terrible than any she had ever known before. He sat looking at her, amazed at the emotions pouring out of her, and she was even more startled than he. She had never realized she felt that way before.

“Do you want a baby, Tan?”

“I don't know … I've never felt this way before … and I'm almost forty years old … I'm too old for that…” But suddenly she wanted that more than anything, and she was suddenly haunted by Harry's words again.

“Why don't you think about it, and we'll talk again.” And for the next month, the sight of Lee and her baby haunted her. And suddenly, after they went home, she began seeing pregnant women everywhere, and babies in strollers on every street corner; it was as though everyone had a baby except her … and there was an envy and a loneliness she couldn't even begin to describe. Russell saw it on her face, but he didn't mention it again until their anniversary, and then she was sharp with him, which was rare for her. It was almost as though it hurt too much to talk about.

“You said you were too old for that. And so am I.”

“Not if it matters to you. It might seem a little foolish to me at first, but I could live with it. Other men have second families at my age, older in fact … a lot older,” he smiled. And he himself had been surprised by how touched he was by Lee's baby in her arms, and then his own. He wouldn't have minded that at all. And Tana's child would have meant the world to him. But she got more and more sensitive about it, until finally he no longer mentioned it to her. In March, they went to Mexico again, and had a fabulous holiday. They swam and fished, and lay on the beach. Tana barely got turista that time, although she didn't feel well when she got back.