Danielle Steel - Full circle

“All right, all right I concede. Your school is better than mine.”

“I didn't say that.” He laughed. “I said we had a better football team.”

“Well, that's not my fault at least. I had nothing to do with that.”

“I somehow didn't think you did.” It was very relaxing being with him. They had common interests, common friends, and the time flew by. He took her home, and was about to drop her off when she invited him inside for a drink, and he was surprised by how pretty the little bijou house was, how well she'd decorated it. It was a real haven, that made one want to stretch out in front of the fire and stay for a while.

“I'm happy here.” And she was, whenever she was alone. It was only when Jack was there, that it got so uncomfortable. But especially now, with Russ there, it suited her perfectly. Russ lit the fire for her, and she poured him a glass of red wine, and they chatted for a while, about their families, their lives. She discovered that he had lost his wife ten years before, and he had two daughters who were both married now.

“At least I'm not a grandfather yet.” Russell Carver smiled at her. “Beth is going to architectural school at Yale, while her husband studies law, and Lee is a fashion designer in New York. She's actually pretty good, and I'm proud of them … but grandchildren,” he almost groaned, and she smiled at him, “I'm not ready for that yet.”

“Did you ever want to marry again?” She was curious about him. He was an interesting man.

“No. No one that important has come along, I guess.” He looked around her house and then back at her. “You know how it is, you get comfortable with your own way of life. It's difficult to change all that for someone else.”

She smiled. “I suppose. I've never really tried. Not very courageous of me, I suppose.” Sometimes she regretted it now, and if Jack had twisted her arm before things began to fall apart.… She looked up at Russ and smiled. “Marriage used to scare the hell out of me.”

“As well it should. It's a mighty delicate operation at best. But when it works, it's wonderful.” His eyes glowed and it was easy to guess that he'd been happy with his wife. “I have nothing but good memories about that.” And they both knew that that made it harder to marry again too. “And my girls are great. You'll have to meet them sometime.”

“I'd like that very much.” They chatted on for a few minutes, he finished his wine, and then he left. She went up to her den with the books he'd helped her bring home, and she worked late into the night and the next day she laughed when a court messenger appeared with an envelope in his hand. He had written her a bread-and-butter letter much like the one she'd written him for her swearing-in and she called to laugh with him. It was a far easier conversation than the one she shared with Jack later that day. He was on the warpath again, and they were fighting about their weekend plans, so much so that eventually she got out of them, and sat peacefully in her house alone on Saturday, going through some old photographs when the doorbell rang. Russell Carver was standing there, looking at her apologetically, with a bunch of roses in his hand.

“This is a terribly rude thing to do, and I apologize in advance.” He looked handsome in a tweed jacket and a turtleneck sweater and she smiled at him delightedly.

“I never heard that bringing someone roses was rude before.”

“That's to compensate for dropping by unannounced, which is rude, but I was thinking of you and I didn't have your number at home. I gather it's unlisted, so I took a chance.…” He smiled sheepishly and she waved him in.

“I had absolutely nothing to do, and I'm delighted you came by.”

“I'm surprised I found you here. I was sure you'd be out.” She poured him a glass of wine, and they sat down on the couch.

“Actually, I had plans but I cancelled them.” Things were impossible with Jack, and she wondered how to handle it. Sooner or later, they'd either have to work things out or give up, but she didn't want to face that now, and he was away anyway.

“I'm glad you did.” Russ Carver smiled at her. “Would you like to go to Butterfield's with me?”

“The auction house?” She looked intrigued, and half an hour later they were wandering amidst antiques and Oriental works of art, chatting about sundry things. He had an easy way about him that was relaxing to her, and they shared similar views about almost everything. She even tried to explain her mother to him. “I think that's a big part of the reason why I never wanted to get married. I kept thinking of her sitting there waiting for him to call.…” She hated the memory, even now.

“Then all the more reason to marry someone and have security.”

“But I knew he was cheating on his wife by then. I never wanted to be either one of those women … my mother … or the wife he cheated on.”

“That must have been difficult for you, Tana.” He was sympathetic about so many things. And she told him about Harry that afternoon when they walked on Union Street. She told him about the friendship they had shared, the years at school, the time at the hospital, and how lonely it was without him now. Tears came to her eyes as she talked about him, but there was something gentle on her face, too, as she looked up at him. “He must have been a fine man.” His voice touched her like a caress and she smiled at him.

“He was more than that. He was the best friend I'll ever have. He was remarkable … even as he died, he gave something to everyone, a piece of himself … some part of himself.…” She looked up at Russ again. “I wish you'd known him.”

“So do I.” He looked at her gently then. “Were you in love with him?”

She shook her head, and then she smiled, remembering. “He had a crush on me when we were kids. But Averil was perfect for him.”

“And you, Tana?” Russell Carver looked searchingly at her. “Who was perfect for you? Who has there been? Who was the love of your life?” It was an odd question to ask, but he had the feeling that there had been someone. It was impossible that a girl like this should be unattached. There was a mystery there, and he couldn't find the answer to it.

“No one.” She smiled at him. “Some hits, some misses … the wrong people mostly. I haven't had much time.”

He nodded. He understood that too. “You pay a price for getting where you are. It can be a very lonely place sometimes.” He wondered if it was for her, but she looked content to him. He wondered who there was in her life now, and he asked her as much, in so many words.

“I've been seeing someone for the last few years, more than that actually, I guess. We lived together for a while. And we still see each other,” she smiled wistfully and looked into Russ's dark eyes, “but things aren't what they used to be. ‘The price you pay,’ as you put it. Things haven't been the same since I got appointed to the bench last year … and then Harry died … it's made a lot of dents in us.”

“Is it a serious affair?” He looked both concerned and intrigued.

“It was for a long time, but it's limping badly now. I think we're still together out of loyalty.”

“You're still together, then?” He watched her face carefully, and she nodded. She and Jack had never really called it quits. At least not yet, although neither of them knew what the future would bring.

“We are for now. It suited us both for a long time. We had the same philosophy. No marriage and no kids. And as long as we both agreed on that, it worked pretty well.…”

“And now?” The big dark eyes were probing hers and she looked at him, suddenly hungry for his touch, his hands, his lips. He was the most attractive man she'd ever seen, but she had to reproach herself. She still belonged to Jack … didn't she? She was no longer quite so sure.