Danielle Steel - Full circle

“He's beginning to hate me now.” She looked so bleak that it frightened him. He had never seen her like that. These were difficult times for all of them. He still couldn't believe he was going to die, but he knew he would. It was like stuffing running out of a rag doll, he felt as though he were slowly disappearing until he would be no more one day. Only that. They would wake up and he would be gone. Quietly. Not with the squall and the pushes and the screams with which one comes into the world, but with a tear and sigh and a breath of air as one passes on into the next life, if there even was such a thing. He didn't even know that anymore, and he wasn't sure he cared. He was too worried about the people he was leaving behind, his partner, his wife, his children, his friends. They all seemed to be resting on him and it was exhausting for him. But in some ways it also kept him alive, like right now with Tana. He felt he had something to share with her, before he went. Something important for her. He wanted her to change her life before it was too late. And he had said the same thing to Jack, but he didn't want to hear.

“He doesn't hate you, Tan. Look, the job is threatening to him. Besides, he's been upset about me for the past few months.”

“He could have said something at least.”

“I made him swear he wouldn't, you can't blame that on him. And as for the rest, you're an important woman now, Tan. Your job is more important than his. That's just the way things are. It's difficult for both of you, and he'll have to adjust to it.”

“Tell him that.”

“I have.”

“He punishes me for what's happened. He hates my house, he's not the same man.”

“Yes he is.” Too much so for Harry's taste. He was still devoted to the same ridiculous things; staying unattached, a total lack of commitment or permanence. It was an empty life, and Harry had told him so often enough, but Jack only shrugged. He liked the way he lived, or at least he had until Tana's new job came along. That was giving him a major pain in the ass, and he made no bones about it to Harry. “Maybe he's jealous of you. That's not attractive, but it's possible, and he's human, after all.”

“So when will he grow up? Or do I have to resign?” It was a relief talking about normal things, as though the nightmare weren't happening, as though she could make it stop by talking about something else with him. Like the old days … they had been so sweet … tears filled her eyes as she thought of them.…

“Of course you don't have to resign. Just give him time.” And then he looked at Tana, with something else on his mind. “I want to say something to you, Tan. Two things.” He looked at her so intensely it was as though his whole body turned to flame, she could feel the strength of his words boring right into her soul. “I don't know from one day to the next what tomorrow will bring, if I'll be here … if … I have two things to say to you, and it's all I have to leave you, my friend. Listen well. The first is thank you for what you did for me. The last sixteen years of my life have been a gift from you, not from my doctor, or anyone else, but from you. You forced me to live again, to go on … if it weren't for you I'd never have met Averil, or had the kids.…” There were tears in his eyes now, too, and they rolled slowly down his cheeks. Tana was grateful that they had met in her chambers for lunch. They had needed to be alone. “And that brings me to the second thing. You're cheating yourself, Tan. You don't know what you're missing, and you won't know till you're there. You're depriving yourself of marriage, commitment, real love … not borrowed, or rented, or temporary, or kind of. I know that fool's in love with you and you love him but he's devoted to ‘hanging loose,’ to not making a mistake again and that's the biggest mistake of all. Get married, Tan … have kids … it's the only thing that makes sense in life … the only thing I care about … the only important thing I'm leaving behind … no matter who you are or what you do, until you have that and are that and give that, you are nothing and no one … you're only half alive.… Tana, don't cheat yourself … please.…” He was crying openly now. He had loved her so much for so long and he didn't want her to miss what he and Averil had shared. And as he spoke to her, her mind went instantly to the countless looks she had watched them share, the quiet joy, the laughter that never seemed to end … and would end so soon now, and deep in her heart she had always known that what he said was true, in some ways she had wanted it for herself, and in other ways she was scared … and the men in her life had always been wrong for that … Yael McBee … Drew Lands … and now Jack … and the people who didn't matter in between. There had never been anyone who might have come close. Maybe Harry's father would have, but that was so long ago now … “If the opportunity ever comes, grab it, Tan. Give up everything, if you have to. But if it's the right thing, you won't.”

“What do you propose I do? Go out on the street and wear a sign? ‘Marry me. Let's have kids.’“ They laughed together, for a moment, just like old times.

“Yeah, asshole, why not?”

“I love you, Harry.” The words sprang from her and she was crying again and he held her tight.

“I'll never really be gone, Tan. You know that. You and I had too much to ever lose that … just like Ave and I do in a different way. I'll be here, keeping an eye on things.” They were crying openly and she didn't think she could live without him. And she could only imagine how Averil felt. It was the most painful time of their lives, and for the next three months, they watched him roll slowly downhill, and on a warm summer day, with the sun high in the sky, she got the call. It was from Jack. There were tears in his voice, and she felt her heart stop. She had seen Harry only the night before. She went to see him every day now, no matter what, at lunchtime or at night, or sometimes before her day began. She never knew how hectic things would get, but she wouldn't give that up. And he had held her hand and smiled just the night before. He could barely talk, but she had kissed his cheek, and suddenly thought of the hospital so long ago. She wanted to shake him back to life, to make him fight for what he had been, but he couldn't anymore, and it was easier to go.

“He just died.” Jack's voice broke, and Tana began to cry. She wanted to see him just once more … to hear him laugh … see those eyes … She couldn't speak for a minute, and then she nodded her head and took a breath to fight back the sobs.

“How's Ave?”

“She seems all right.” Harrison had arrived the week before and he was staying with them. Tana looked at her watch.

“I'll go over there right now. I just called a recess for the afternoon anyway.” She could feel him tense at her words, as though he felt she were showing off for him. But that was what she did. She was a municipal court judge, and she had called a recess. “Where are you?”

“I'm at work. His father just called.”

“I'm glad he was there. Are you going over now?”

“I can't for a little while.” She nodded, realizing that if she had said that, he would have said something unpleasant to her about how important she thought she was. There was no winning with him now and Harry hadn't been able to soften him before he died, no matter how hard he tried. There had been so much he wanted to say, so much to share with those he loved. And it was over so soon. Tana drove over the Bay Bridge with tears streaming down her face, and then suddenly, it was as though she felt him next to her and she smiled. He was gone, but he was everywhere now. With her, with Ave, with his father, his kids …