Danielle Steel - Full circle

“All I did was buy a little house because I had to have a place in town.”

“I just didn't think you wanted to own something, Tan.”

“What difference does it make if I own or rent? It's a good investment this way. We've talked about doing something like that.”

“Yeah, and we decided not to. Why do you have to get yourself locked into something permanent?” The thought of that almost gave him hives. He was happy renting where they were in Tiburon. “You never thought like that before.”

“Things change sometimes. This just made sense at the time, and I fell in love with it.”

“I know you did. Maybe that's what bothers me. It's so ‘yours,’ not ours.”

“Would you rather have bought something with me?” But she knew him better than that and he shook his head.

“That would just complicate our lives. You know that.”

“You can't keep things simple all the time. And as those things go, I think we've done damn well. We're the most unencumbered people I know.” And they had done it purposely. Nothing was permanent, written in stone. Their whole life could be unwound in a matter of hours, or so they thought, at least it was what they had told themselves for two years.

Tana went on, “Hell, I used to have an apartment in town. What's the big deal?” But it wasn't the house, it was her job, she had begun to suspect it weeks before. It bothered him, the fuss, the press, he had tolerated it before because she was only an assistant D.A., but suddenly she was a judge … Your Honor … Judge Roberts, she had noticed the look on his face everytime someone said the words to her. “You know, it really isn't fair of you to take it out on me, Jack. I can't help it. Something wonderful happened and now we have to learn to live with it. It could have happened to you too. The shoe could be on the other foot, you know.”

“I think I'd have handled it differently.”

“How?” She was instantly hurt by his words.

“Actually,” he looked at her accusingly, the anger between them finally had words put to it, like a symphony with a chorale, but it was a relief to get it out. “I think I'd have turned it down. It's a goddamn pompous thing to do.”

“Pompous? What an awful thing to say. Do you think I'm pompous for accepting the seat they offered me?”

“Depends on how you handle it.” He answered cryptically.

“Well?”

They stopped at a light and he turned to look at her, and then suddenly looked away. “Look … never mind … I just don't like the changes it's made for us. I don't like you living in town, I don't like your goddamn house, I don't like any of it.”

“So you're going to punish me, is that it? Christ, I'm doing my best to handle it gracefully, give me a chance. Let me figure it out. It's a big change for me, too, you know.”

“You'd never know it to look at you. You look happy as can be.”

“Well, I am happy.” She was honest with him. “It's wonderful and flattering and interesting, and I'm having fun with my career. It's very exciting for me, but it's also scary and new, and I don't quite know how to handle it and I don't want it to hurt you.…”

“Never mind that.…”

“What do you mean, never mind? I love you, Jack. I don't want this to destroy us.”

“Then it won't.” He shrugged and drove on, but neither of them was convinced, and he remained impossible for the next few weeks. She made a point of spending the night in Tiburon whenever she could, and she cajoled him constantly, but he was angry at her, and the Christmas they spent at her house was grim. He made it clear that he hated everything about her house, and he left at eight o'clock the next day, claiming he had things to do. He made life difficult for her for the next few months, and in spite of it, she enjoyed her job. The only thing she didn't like were the long hours she kept. She stayed in her chambers until midnight sometimes, but she had so much to learn, so many points of law to read and refer to for each case. So much depended on her that she became blind to almost all else, so much so that she didn't see how unwell Harry looked, never realized how seldom he went to work anymore, and it was late April before Jack turned to her and screamed.

“What are you, blind? He's dying, for God's sake. He has been for the last six months, Tan. Don't you give a shit about anyone else anymore?” His words cut her to the quick and she gaped at him in horror.

“That's not true … he can't be.…” But suddenly the pale face, the ghostly eyes, all of it suddenly made sense. But why hadn't he told her? Why? She looked up at Jack accusingly. “Why didn't you say something?”

“You wouldn't have heard. You're so fucking wrapped up in how important you are these days, you don't see anything that goes on.” They were bitter accusations, angry words, and without saying a word she left Tiburon that night and drove home to her own house, called Harry on the phone, and before she could say anything, she began to cry.

“What's the matter, Tan?” He sounded tired, and she felt as though her heart were going to break.

“I can't … I … oh God, Harry.…” All the pressures of the past months suddenly began to pile up on her, Jack's anger, and what he had told her that night about Harry being ill. She couldn't believe he was dying, but when she saw him the next day for lunch, he looked at her quietly and told her it was true. She felt her breath catch as though on a sharp nail and she stared at him. “But that can't be true … that's not fair.…” She sat there and sobbed like a little child, unable to comfort him, desolate, in too much pain herself to help anyone and he wheeled to where she sat and put his arms around her. There were tears in his eyes, too, but he was strangely calm. He had known for almost a year, and they had told him that a long time ago: his wounds could cut his life short, and they were. He was suffering from hydronephrosis, which was devouring him by degrees as he headed towards kidney failure. They had tried everything they could, but his body was just quietly giving up. She looked at him with terror in her eyes. “I can't live without you.”

“Yes, you can.” He was more worried about Averil and the kids. He knew Tana would survive. She had saved him. She would never give up. “I want you to do something for me. I want you to make sure Ave is all right. The kids are all set, and she has everything she'll need, but she's not like you, Tan … she's always been so dependent on me.”

She stared at him. “Does your father know?”

He shook his head. “No one does, except Jack and Ave, and now you.” He was angry that Jack had said something to her and especially in anger, but he wanted a promise from her now. “You promise you'll keep an eye on her?”

“Of course I will.” It was hideous, he was talking as though he were planning to leave on a trip. She looked at him and twenty years of love raced before her eyes … the dance where they had met … the years at Harvard and BU … coming West … Vietnam … the hospital … law school … the apartment they had shared … the night his first child was born … it was incredible, impossible. His life wasn't over yet, it couldn't be. She needed him too much. But then she remembered the spate of bladder infections and she knew suddenly where all this would lead—he was dying. She began to cry again and he held on to her, and then she looked at him and sobbed. “Why? … It's not fair.”

“Damn little in life is.” He smiled at her, a small, gray, wintry smile. He didn't care so much for himself as he did for his wife and kids. He had been worried sick about them for months, and he was trying to teach Averil to handle everything herself, to no avail. She was totally hysterical, and she refused to learn anything, as though that way she could keep it from happening, but nothing would. He was getting weaker by the day, and he knew it himself. He only came in to the office now once or twice a week; it was why he was never there when she went in to see Jack from time to time, and she talked to him about that now.