Danielle Steel - Full circle

She cringed. She had already promised Jack she would go skiing with him. But she had to do something now. “Give me till the first of the year and I promise I'll straighten everything out.”

“Then maybe I'll go to Mexico alone.” He frowned pensively and she glanced worriedly at him. “What are you worried about, little one?”

“That you'll fall in love with someone else.”

“Then hurry up.” He laughed at her, and kissed her again before she went back to court. And all afternoon she sat on the bench with a strange expression in her eyes, a small smile on her lips. She couldn't concentrate on anything, and when she saw Jack that night, she felt breathless every time she looked at him. He wanted to know if she had all her skiing gear. The condo was rented and they were going with friends, and then suddenly halfway through the evening, she stood up and looked at him.

“What's wrong, Tan?”

“Nothing … everything.…” She closed her eyes. “I have to go.”

“Now?” He looked furious. “Back to town?”

“No.” She sat down and started to cry. Where could she begin? What could she say? He had finally driven her away, with his resentment of her work and her success, his bitterness, his unwillingness to commit. She wanted something now that he didn't have to give, and she knew she was doing the right thing, but it was so difficult. She stared unhappily up at him, sure of what she was doing now. She could almost feel Russ sitting next to her, and Harry on the other side, cheering her on. “I can't.” She looked at Jack and he stared at her.

“Can't what?” He was mystified. She wasn't making any sense and that was unusual for her.

“Can't go on like this.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's no good for either of us. You've been pissed at me for the past year, and I've been miserable.…” She stood up and walked across the room, glancing at familiar things. This house had been part hers for two years, and now it looked like a stranger's house to her. “I want more than this, Jack.”

“Oh, Christ.” He sat down, looking furious. “Like what?”

“Like something permanent, like what Harry and Averil had.”

“I told you, you'll never find something like that. That was them. And you're not like Averil, Tan.”

“That's no excuse to give up. I still want someone for the rest of my life who's mine, who's willing to stand up in front of God and man and take me on for the rest of my life.…”

He looked at her, horrified. “You want me to marry you? I thought we agreed.…” He looked terrified but she shook her head and sat down again.

“Relax, we did, and that isn't what I want from you. I want out, Jack, I think it's time.” He was silent for a long, long time, he knew it too, but it hurt anyway. And it spoiled all his plans for the holidays.

He looked up at her. “This is why I believe what I do. Because sooner or later it comes to an end. And it's easier like this. I pack my bag, you pack yours, we say goodbye, and we hurt for a while, but at least we never lied to each other, and we're not dragging along a flock of kids.”

“I'm not even sure that would be so terrible. At least we'd know how much we'd cared.” She looked sad, as though she had lost someone dear to her, and she had. She had cared about him for a long time.

“We cared a lot, Tan. And it was good.” There were tears in his eyes and he came to her and sat down. “If I thought it was right, I'd marry you.”

“It wouldn't be right for you.” She looked at him.

“You'd never be happy married anyway, Tan.”

“Why not?” She didn't want him to say that. Not now. Not with Russ standing in the wings, wanting to marry her. It was like putting a curse on her. “Why would you say a thing like that?”

“Because you're not the type. You're too strong.” She was stronger than he was, she knew. But she had only come to understand that recently, mostly since she had known Russ. He was so different from Jack. So much stronger than anyone she had known before. And stronger than she was. Finally. “You don't need marriage anyway,” he smiled bitterly, “you're married to the law. That's a full-time love affair for you.”

“Can't one have both?”

“Some can. You can't.”

“Did I hurt you that much, Jack?” She looked woefully at him and he smiled and stood up, opened a bottle of wine, and handed her a glass, and somehow she felt as though she had never known this man. Everything was so bitter, so shallow. Nothing in him ran deep, and she wondered how she could have stayed with him for so long, but it had suited her. She hadn't wanted depth during those years. She had wanted to be as free as he did. Only now she had grown up, and as much as the challenge Russ offered terrified her, she wanted it, wanted it more than anything she'd ever done before. She looked into Jack's eyes and smiled at him as he toasted her.

“To you, Tan. Good luck.” She drank, and a moment later she set down her glass and looked at him.

“I'm going now.”

“Yeah. Call me sometime.” He turned his back to her, and she felt a knife of pain slice through her. She wanted to reach out to him, but it was too late. For both of them. She touched his back and whispered one word.

“Goodbye.”

And then she drove home as fast as she could, took a bath and washed her hair, as though she were washing away the disappointments and the tears. She was thirty-eight years old and she was starting all over again, but in a way she never had before, with a man like no man she had ever known. She thought of calling him that night but her mind was still filled with Jack, and she was suddenly afraid to tell Russ that she was free. She didn't say anything to him until their lunch the day he left for Mexico, and then suddenly she looked at him and smiled mysteriously.

“What are you grinning at, Funny Face?”

“Just life, I guess.”

“And that amuses you?”

“Sometimes. I … uh … er.…” He was laughing at her and she was blushing furiously. “Oh, shit. Don't make things so hard for me.”

He took her hand in his and smiled at her. “What are you trying to say?” He had never seen her so tongue-tied before.

She took a deep breath. “I straightened things out this week.”

“With Jack?” He looked amazed as she nodded her head with a shy smile. “So soon?”

“I couldn't go on like that.”

“Was he very upset?” Russ looked concerned.

She nodded, looking sad for a moment, “Yes, but he wouldn't admit it. He likes to keep everything easy and free.” She sighed jaggedly, then, “he says I'd never be happy married to anyone.”

“That's nice.” Russ smiled and showed absolutely no concern. “When you move out, be sure to burn the house down. It's an old custom with some men. Believe me, it doesn't mean a thing. I'll take my own chances, thanks.” Russ smiled ecstatically at her.

“Do you still want to marry me?” She couldn't believe what was happening to her, and for just a minute … just a minute … there was the temptation to run back to her old life, but that wasn't what she wanted anymore. She wanted this … and him … she wanted both marriage and a career, no matter how frightening it was to her. It was a chance she had to take. She was ready now. It had taken her a long, long time, but she had gotten there and she was proud of herself.

“What do you think? Of course I do.” He reassured her at once and his eyes smiled at her.

“Are you sure?”

“Are you? That's more to the point.”

“Maybe we should talk about this for a little while?” She was suddenly very nervous at the thought and he laughed at her.

“How long? Six months? A year? Ten years?”