Jeff Strand - Graverobbers Wanted - No Experience Necessary

So really, Farley set things up so that I hadn't ever needed to solve that Morse-code-condom riddle. I could've just broken one of his precious rules and showed up at his house early. What a dickhead.

"What does it say?" asked Dominick.

I looked at the hand-drawn map. It was directions to a cabin, located not too far from the park where I'd dug up Michael in the first place. Probably the cabin where I'd been tied up and listened to Jennifermeet her demise.

"It tells where he is," I told him. "And I have to go alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Linda, not removing her gaze from the corpses.

"Watchyourselves ," I said. "I'm heading back."

I ran across the room, expecting more corpses to come flying at me, but apparently they'd all been used in the first round. We left the house, closing the door behind us to keep any nosy neighbors from peeking inside. I really didn't need anyone else dropping dead of a heart attack this week.

"Is there anything else I can do?" asked Dominick.

I considered saying, "You can pray." But that seemed a little too melodramatic. So I said something that was more in tune with my personality.

"Sure, you canreshingle my roof while I'm off saving my kids. I've got Popsicles in the freezer for when you take a break."

Dominick didn't smile. "Seriously, I hope things work out for you."

"So doI ."

FARLEY MAY have been an annoying psychopathic little geek, but he did know how to draw a map. This meant less time that I had to drive around lost, and thus less time for me to envision Theresa and Kyle hanging from a cable, their heads switched around and not quite connected with their necks.

About six miles after driving pastFleetPark , I reached the unnamed road marked on the map. It took another three miles before I reached the windowless cabin, which looked barely able to sustain its own weight. Firewood was stacked by the door, and a white Chevrolet was parked in the driveway. A bumper sticker read "Grandma WentTo Hell And All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker."

I parked Helen's car, got out, adjusted the quiver on my back, and slowly approached the door.

"Come on in!" Farley called from inside.

I pulled the door open.

"Before you try anything, make sure you take a good look at the setup here," he warned.

I stepped inside the cabin, crossbow ready to fire. Farley stood near the far wall, about twenty feet away. Theresa and Kyle stood next to him, one on each side, their faces tearstained. I was overjoyed to see that they were still alive, but that joy vanished as I realized just how bad the situation really was.

Farley held a brick in each hand with a wire wrapped around it. The wires stretched up to the ceiling, looped around a pair of hooks, then continued down to form something like necklaces for Theresa and Kyle. Necklaces lined with dozens upon dozens of razor blades.

"See what we've got here?" asked Farley, lowering one of the bricks slightly. Theresa's necklace tightened just a bit and she let out a soft whimper. "I drop these bricks, and your kids get shredded throats. So I'd say it's in your best interest not to make me drop the bricks. You can go ahead and shoot me if you'd like, but things will turn out very messy."

I set the crossbow down on the floor. "I won't do anything," I said.

"Good boy." Farley looked at Kyle and grinned. "Your daddy likes you. You should feel happy."

Kyle, frozen with terror, didn't say anything.

"I hope you were a smart guy, Andrew," said Farley. "If you brought any cops or other friends and I see them, these bricks aregonna fall. If you hired a sniper or something, you may want to call him off before he gets an itchy trigger finger."

"I'm alone," I said.

"Good. So we can talk. Care for a seat? Your kids and I can't sit down for obvious reasons, but that's no reason why you shouldn't be comfortable."

"I'll stand."

"Suit yourself. So I guess the big question is,why have I called you here? What's the meaning of all this nonsense with the riddles and the dismembered pieces of Jennifer in your friend's car and the charming videos and, oh, everything you've had to go through these past couple of days. Well, you're in luck. Here's where I explain everything."

I noticed that Theresa's leg was starting to wobble. "She's not going to be able to stand like that much longer," I said. "Let my kids go. You can take all my weapons. I won't be able to try anything."

Farley shook his head. "She'll beokay, we just got into place a few minutes ago, after you set off the sensors. But I'm going to let you in on a cruel little secret. Your kids are history. Whatever happens, I'll eventually have to drop these bricks, and the razor blades will do what they do best. It'sgonna be bloody, believe me. You can beg, you can plead, you can bribe, you can threaten, you can do whatever you want, but in the end the bricks are going to fall. So really, you might as well just pick up that crossbow and take me down right now. But you won't do that, because you're going to be searching for a way out of this.Which means I get to talk. "

I noticed a video camera on a tripod in the corner of the cabin. The red light was flashing. "Recording this for posterity?" I asked.

"Yep.This'll help you out in tying up any loose ends with the police, and this way you won't have to take notes. So, look around you, Andrew, because this is where the magic happens."

I glanced around the cabin. There were numerous bloodstains on the floor, and I recognized the bed from the videos. Various implements of torture were hung on the walls. A small shelf against the far wall contained videotapes, more weapons, and Gaggles, still wearing his cowboy hat.

"Yeah, this is where we brought the victims. I didn't have anything to do with the actual kidnappings—that was the work of The Apparition and a couple other folks, but once they were here and the cameras were ready to roll...ooohhh, baby, we had some good times. I was the guy who did the actual killings. Remember thespork ? Good work, huh?"

"Sure, high quality all around," I muttered.

Farley was right...I was desperately trying to figure out a way out of this, but what could I do? Any action I took against him would make him drop the bricks, and then Theresa and Kyle would die. I could try to rush him, but was there any way to reach him before he let the bricks fall? I didn't stand a chance.

"Anyway, that's where the real money for Ghoulish Delights came from. We'd been socking it away, having ourselves a great time while we tried to save up enough to retire somewhere."

"Who'swe?" I asked.

"Me, Michael, and Jennifer.Your buddies Rachel, Dominick, Linda, and Carl were all blissfully unaware ofthereal Ghoulish Delights. They probably would have been offended by the idea. Some people are so conservative."

Theresa's leg was wobbling even more. I wanted more than anything to hurry over to her, but that would kill her.

"So, everything was going fine, until one dark night when Jennifer was snooping around in Michael's computer. And what did she discover but that her dear husband, who was in charge of all the client contact for our made-to-order snuff videos, had been hiding away a lot of money that he never told her about. Where's the sense of trust in marriage these days? So she confronted him, they fought, she stormed off, and then she came over to my place to tell me what he'd done. She was in a vengeful mood and I had nothing against the idea of getting laid for revenge, so we went at it until Michael showed up at my door. I'm sorry, is this story inappropriate for children?"

"A story involving you having sex is inappropriate for anyone without a cast-iron stomach," I said.

"Ooohhh, good slam for Andrew! Anyway, Michael was all bent out of shape and he threatened to turn us all in. Jennifer managed to calm him down, we all apologized, and Jennifer and Michael decided they needed some time alone, to work things out. So they set up a trip toEurope . Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"