Jeff Strand - Graverobbers Wanted - No Experience Necessary

Rachel nodded as she turned to the former prisoners. "Any objections to giving our friend a chance to get his kids back?"

They all shook their heads.

"Then get out of here," Rachel told me. "I'll see you later."

MY JUBILATION at solving the riddle was tainted by a sick feeling that things were going to get a whole lot uglier before they got better.Because really, the killer had just handed the prisoners over to us. No challenge.Which meant that he had something much worse in store.

There was no way in hell I was going to speed after the results of my last little traffic violation, so I kept to the posted limit until I saw both of what I needed in a strip mall to my right.Pages-A-Plenty and Chamber Video World.

I hurried into the small bookstore and pushed past a young woman who was at the front counter with a stack of self-help books. "Sorry," I said to the cashier, "but this is life or death. I need a book on Morse code."

The cashier was a tall gentleman with wire framed glasses and hair that was gray at the temples. "I believe that you should wait your turn."

"Listen to me," I said, leaning forward. "Direct me to a book on Morse code or your potential customers are going to be frightened away by me doing a naked limbo in your front window."

"Books on Amateur Radio should be in the hobby section, back wall, middle shelf," said the cashier, quickly.

"Thanks. By the way, could I borrow a pen?"

The cashier handed me a pen. "Keep it."

I hurried to the back shelf and searched for a moment until IlocatedAmateur Radio MadeEasy . I flipped through the pages and found one that listed all of the letters and their Morse code dot-dash equivalents. I didn't have any money and I figured that stealing a book wasn't the best course of action to take when police involvement is considered bad, so I scribbled the code down on my arm and left the store.

I proceeded to the movie rental place. A monitor above the checkout counter was playing thatstupidZany the Chipper Chipmunk video. There were only a couple of customers wandering the aisles (no doubt due to Zany's evil presence) and a teenage girl behind the counter.

"Hi," I said to her, setting the Ghoulish Delights tape on the counter. "I'm a private investigator for the state, and I need to commandeer your VCR."

"Huh?" replied the girl.

"I need you to play this tape for me."

"I can't do that. The manager tells us what movies to play."

"Is the manager around now?"

The girl shook her head.

"Then let's not worry about him. Play this. Actually, let me play it...I'm going to need to do a lot of rewinding." I stepped behind the counter and ejected Zany from the VCR.

"Sir, customers aren't allowed behind the counter," the girl insisted.

"I'm not a customer. I have no intention of renting anything." I inserted the Ghoulish Delights tape into the VCR and pressed play. "Can you mute the volume?" I asked. "I don't want the voices to distract me."

The girl nodded, picked up another remote, and shut off the sound. As the talking skulls came on, I focused all of my attention on Boo-Boo. Yes, his mouth was definitely moving in a series of long and short beats, with pauses that hopefully signaled a space between letters.

I rewound to the beginning of Boo-Boo's dialogue, and wrote down what I saw.

Quick bite, quick bite, pause, quick bite, slow bite, pause...

I lost the flow, rewound, and started again, confirming what I'd written and then picking up where I'd left off.

Slow bite, pause, quick bite, quick bite, quick bite, quick bite, pause, quick bite...

Dash, dash, pause, dot, dot, pause, dash, dash, dot...

"What movie is that?" asked one of the customers. "My son would probably enjoy that kind of garbage."

I ignored him. It took more than ten rewinds to get the entire message, but soon I had everything written down on my arm. Comparing my left arm to my right, I began to translate the message.

I AM THE MIGHTY HUNTER. COME AND GET ME.

It was Mr. Dead Fish Cologne himself. Dominick!

"OH, HI Andrew, how's the search go—HEY!!!"

Linda cried out as I wrapped my arm around her neck and pressed the edge of the K-Mart kitchen knife against her throat. I pushed my way into the living room of the apartment and kicked the door shut behind me. "Is Dominick home?" I asked in a whisper.

"Yes."

"Call him out here."

"Dominick, honey, Andrew's here to see you!"

Dominick stepped into the room, a half-eaten Pop-Tart in one hand."Oh, hi, Andy. Welcome to my humble home. Do you want the tour before or after you decapitate my girlfriend?"

"Where the hell are my kids?" I demanded.

Dominick shrugged. "I'm not sure. Probably the same place I stashed Michael." He grinned and took another bite of his Pop-Tart. "By the way, Linda, if Andrew doesn't end up killing you, pleaseremember to get the frosted kind next time."

"I'll try, sweetheart," Linda said.

"Tell me where my kids are or I'll cut her!" I threatened. "I mean it! This isn't a joke!"

"Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to be taking this all very seriously," said Dominick. "Please forgiveme, I have a tendency to behave inappropriately in certain social situations. So, let me get this straight, you want me to return your kids to you in exchange for Linda's life, correct?"

"That's the idea."

"And what makes you think I care if Linda lives or dies? Sure, she has some really cute dimples and a fantastic ass, but her personality is just loaded with defects."

I removed the knife from Linda's throat, and then poked the tip into the side of her neck. She cried out in pain as blood welled from the tiny wound.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" shouted Dominick, his eyes wide.

"I'm not kidding around here! Give me back my kids!"

Then I let out my own cry of pain as Linda stomped on my toes with her heel. It didn't hurt enough to make me drop my knife, but her next move, jabbing her elbow into my gut, was enough to double me over.Great. I'd seen a dozen movies where the woman escaped her captor by stomping hisfoot, and now it happened to me in real life.Real smooth.

I stood back up and grabbed her hair. Though she didn't have long, flowing tresses, I was able to get a good handful and yank her toward me. This time I pressed the knife against the back of her neck, and she froze.

Dominick was gone.

"Get out here!" I shouted. "I swear to God, Dominick, you don't want to mess with somebody as screwed up as I am right now!"

Dominick stepped back into the living room, now holding a crossbow pointed in my direction. I had Linda in front of me as a shield, but she didn't cover me completely. Hopefully his aim wasn't perfect.

"Drop the crossbow or I'll stab her," I said.

"You stab her and you get an arrow through the face," Dominick said. "Then your kids will die."

"Where are they?" I demanded.

"I don't know. I didn't touch them."

"Bullshit, oh mighty hunter."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. All I know is that this was supposed to be a joke."

"It's no joke," I said. "My children have been kidnapped."

"By who?"

"Well, obviously I thought it was by you! Who told you this was a joke?"

"I was talking to Carl this morning. He said that you weren't a detective, you were somebody Michael hired as a practical joke and that we were supposed to play along."

"I think it's a pretty big understatement to say that you were severely misinformed."

"I consider myself informed now. Why don't you let her go so we can talk this over?"

I shook my head. "You put down the crossbow first."

Dominick bent down at the knees and carefully set the crossbow down on the floor. He stood up and held up his hands to show that they were empty.

"Kick it over here," I said.