Jeff Strand - Graverobbers Wanted - No Experience Necessary

"Having fun?"

It was a very low, computer-generated voice, spoken in a monotone. Apparently the killer had one of those voice disguiser gizmos after all.

"Who is this?" I demanded.

For a few seconds I could only hear a faint clicking, as if somebody was typing on a keyboard. Then the voice again: "I'm the villain in your life story."

"Listen to me, you deviant freak, I'm not playing your game anymore. As soon as I hang up on your sorry ass I'm calling the police."

"Oh, don't do that. That's no fun."

"No, fun is taking my kids to an amusement park. Fun is not spending all night at a graveyard so I can dig up a coffin with a tapeofAmerica's Most Fucked-Up Home Videos! "

"You just don't know how to party."

"I'm hanging up now."

"I wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"People will die."

"Who?"

"You'll find out."

"I'm not playing around any more," I said. "Tell me who this is. Is this Jennifer?"

"Maybe."

"Okay, fine, I don't expect you to reveal your secret identity. Tell me why you're doing this."

"I have nothing to loss."

"What the hell does `nothing to loss' mean? What was that, a typo?"

Silence.

"Jeez, Mr. or Mrs. PsychopathicDipshit , you'd think if you were going to go to all the trouble of letting your computer do the talking you'd be more careful with your typing so you wouldn't sound like a complete moron."

Still no response.

"What's the matter, did you loss your voice?"

"It won't seem so funny when you're the one tied to that bed." It was the computer speaking. I'd hoped to make the killer mad enough to break in on the conversation, but no such luck.

"No, you're right, it probably won't," I conceded. "That's why I'm not giving it a chance to happen."

"People will die."

"You already said that. Are you using macros now?"

The typing grew louder and faster. "You listen to me, Andrew Mayhem. I have five people locked away who are going to die the same excruciating death you saw tonight if you don't follow my instructions."

"Yeah, right.How do I know you're not bluffing, like you did when you said you were going to keep Roger?"

"You'll get the tapes."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"Don't push it, Mayhem. If I have to, I'll bring one of them down right now and you can listen to me rip her apart. Did you watch the tape all the way through?"

"Yeah."

"Then you know which five people I'm talking about."

It still could have been a bluff, but after seeing the tape, and after possibly hearing Jennifer stabbed to death last night, I decided it wasn't worth taking a chance."Fine. You've got my attention. What's up?"

"I wanted to tell you that you're doing well."

"Really?Wow, you just don't know how much your approval means to me. My parents never thought I'd amount to anything, and hearing your words of encouragement has really brightened my night. Thank you so very the hell much."

A loud honk made me realize that I had drifted into the opposite lane and was heading toward a Volkswagen. I quickly jerked the steering wheel and got back where I belonged.

"You should be more careful," the killer's computer informed me.

"Chew me."

"Here are the rules, Andrew. Do not talk about what has happened. If you tell anyone, those five innocent people will die horribly. If you keep quiet and play along, they will be released. Do you understand?"

"When will they be released?" I asked.

"Soon."

"That doesn't cut it. Tell me exactly when they'll be released and maybe we've got a deal."

"Very soon.That's all I can say."

"All right.I won't talk to anyone."

"Good. But I want you to keep investigating. Learn all you can. Try to find out who I am. Play the game. Have fun with it."

"I don't see any potential for fun here, but I'll do my best. So why are you doing this? If you're somefreakazoid who gets off on torturing people, that's your business, but why am I involved?"

"Soon it's going to be all over for me. As I said, I have nothing to lose. I'm going to die, and I want to be remembered for something big. I'm giving you the adventure of a lifetime so you'll make sure everyone else remembers me."

"Hell, if you quit right now, I'll hire a skywriter."

"No, I don't want to quit before the real fun begins. Would you like a clue about who I am?"

"By all means."

"I'm not Jennifer."

"Well, I'll be sure to scratch her off my list of suspects."

"I want you to see her again. Not on video, in the flesh. Maybe you can save her."

"So she isn't dead?"

"Not necessarily. Pull over and stop the car. Make it someplace abandoned. Then tell me where you are, and I'll help you find her."

I pulled into the parking lot of a strip mall, and then drove behind the buildings. I stopped next to a garbage dumpster and shut off the engine. "Okay, I'm parked."

"Where are you?"

"Don't you know? I assumed you had helicopter surveillance or something."

"Do you want to find her or not?"

"I'm behind theParnola mall."

"Much better.You picked a good place. She's very close. Now here's the game. There are five quarters hidden in Roger's car. Each one has a different date. In ten minutes, I'm going to call you back, and you're going to tell me all five of the dates."

"And what's the penalty in this little game?"

"Death.For each quarter you miss, one of the prisoners dies."

Like I needed any more pressure."You said they'd be released if I kept quiet!"

"No, I said you had to play along. So play along. Jennifer will help you."

The killer hung up. I cursed loudly in multiple quantities, and then checked my watch. 1:47 A.M. Okay, fine, I'd play along. How hard could it be to find some quarters?

I turned on the overhead light, then did a quick visual search of the front and back seat and saw nothing. I pulled down each of the sun visors in case quarters were taped to them, but no luck. I opened the glove compartment and two half-empty bottles of aspirin fell out, along with a woman's severed hand.

"Oh, shit!" I screamed, recoiling against the driver's side door to get away from it. The hand rested on the floor, palm down. Some specks of blood had dried on the wedding ring.

I sat there for a moment, unable to move. Okay, get over it, I finally told myself. If you sit here trembling some people will die. Find those quarters.

I thought I'd caught a glimpse of silver as the hand fell, so I reached over with my foot and used the toe of my shoe to flip it over. In the palm rested a quarter. I tried to slide it off, but it was clearly glued on. I leaned down to get a closer look.Tails. To see the date, I was going to have to pull it off.

There was absolutely no time for squeamishness, so I ripped the quarter off and placed it on the seat. A tiny piece of flesh came off with the quarter, but I put that way the hell out of my mind and rummaged through the glove compartment until I'd searched it completely. No other quarters.

Under the seat was a good possibility.

Not that I'd be able to see where I was reaching.

Oh, I could thinkofso many things I'd rather be doing.

Still using my foot, I pushed the hand as far out of the way as possible, then leaned down and tried to look underneath the passenger seat. I couldn't see a thing.

I reached underneath, moving my hand slowly, praying I wouldn't find any more of Jennifer. The thought that the killer might have placed something like a mousetrap under the seat also occurred to me, in case the first thought hadn't been bad enough.

My hand slid against something wet.

I nearly tore the skin off my fingers in my haste to yank my hand out of there, and I nearly bit my tongue off in my effort not to shriek.

Doing my best to ignore the scarlet streak on the side of my hand, I checked my watch. Two minutes had already passed. I had to get over my reluctance and find those quarters right away. I could always find a nice comfy padded cell later.