Джеймс Кейн - Career in C Major and Other Fiction

Well... I reckon I was, in a way, Governor. I reckon I was, ha ha! I reckon I was kind of born to it, ha ha ha! I reckon I must be pretty near the only person in the world that was ever born to a fire department, ha ha, ha ha!

Farmsh, ’m g’n ask y’ some’n. Look m’ ’n eye, Farmsh. Farmsh, y’ guilty ’r y’ not guilty?

Governor, I hope my die I ain’t no more guilty than you are.

Farmsh, I believe y’ tell’n’ me truth. Farmsh, y’ free man.

Oh my Gawd, Governor, thank you sir, thank—!

The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment. Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at?...

[ While the Secretary makes out a pardon and the GOVERNOR signs it, the group breaks up in a round of hand-shaking, the lawyers to go out and have a drink together, the petitioner to go back to the penitentiary for the last formalities. When they have all gone, the GOVERNOR still sits nodding to himself and presently falls amiably asleep. ]

THE THIRD ROOM ON your left as you enter the south wing of the State Capitol. It is an afternoon in midwinter, and three gentlemen , MESSRS. HAYES, LOMAN, and FRIEND, are sitting at one end of the table. They constitute a quorum of the Committee on Education of the House of Representatives, and before them is a large pile of bills, resolutions, and memoranda.

Well, looking at them don’t do no good.

It sure don’t.

Might as well get busy.

A hell of a fine time them other guys on this committee picked to get the flu!

How you say we do? Take up them schoolhouses, or leave them wait till we got a couple other things out of the way first?

Leave them schoolhouses till last. They was referred jointly anyhow, and it ain’t no use of us wasting no sweat on them till Ways and Means has said what they’re goin’ to do.

All right, then. Authorizing constable of town of Gale’s Island to act as truant officer. Authorizing commissioners of town of Shawville to close certain streets to motor traffic during hours when public schools are in session. Them things don’t amount to nothing and here’s about forty more just like them. Shoot them right through, hey? Report them favorable and be done with it?

Hell, yes.

All set on them, then.

Pitch them over to one side. That’s a start anyways.

All right, then. Le’s get on this here Evolution Bill. Bill prohibiting the teaching of certain doctrines in educational institutions supported in whole or in part by public funds. What do you say on that?

I say that bill ought to been passed about ten years ago.

That bill hits me pretty good too. Still, it’s pretty important, so I guess we better consider it some.

What’s the use of considering? I don’t need no considering to know how I’m going to vote.

How you feel about that, Mr. Friend?

Hanh?

This here Evolution Bill. We’re getting ready to report on it now and we kind of want to make sure we got the right idea about it.

Hunh.

So if you got anything to say about it, now is the time to say it.

They hadn’t ought to kill no cows thouten they pay for them.

Now, what in the hell has the Committee on Education got to do with cows?

No, this ain’t the Tubercular Cattle Bill. This is the Evolution Bill. Or Anti-evolution Bill, some of them calls it.

Evolution!

I ain’t deef.

You read it.

Maybe I read it.

He ain’t asked maybe did you read it. He asked did you read it. Come on. If you ain’t deef, then act like you was awake.

What’s reading got to do with it?

Well, we’re kind of busy this afternoon, Mr. Friend, and it would kind of save time if you had read the bill.

I reckon I can read it if I have to. Where’s it at?

You mean to say you been a member of this Legislature a whole month and attended all the hearings this committee has held and ain’t read that bill yet?

Now, Loman, it don’t do no good to get sore.

No, but what does the taxpayers pay a bum like that for?

All right. Where’s it at?

Well, Mr. Friend, it’s pretty late in the day to start reading the bill now. I reckon the best way is for us to kind of explain to you what’s in it. Then you can tell us how you feel about it.

I can read. But I ain’t all the time bragging on it.

I bet you ain’t.

Well, le’s see. Le’s see now. Le’s see how I can put it.

I never seen such a place in my life. They can’t never do nothing thouten some man stands up and starts reading something. All the time showing off how good they can read. Up my way the people ain’t got time for all this here reading.

They can read them pain-killer ads though.

Well, first off, Mr. Friend, you know what this here evolution is, don’t you?

Maybe.

You say maybe oncet more and maybe you stay where you’re sitting and maybe you take a dive in that spittoon.

Yeah, I hear tell of it. I hear the preachers talk about it plenty of time.

And you know what it is?

Mister, go ahead and do your talking. Don’t worry about me. I’ll git the hang of it time you git done.

The main idea, the way I get it, is that men is descended from monkeys.

Hunh?

Dam, it does break my heart to think of the people of this State paying out their money for this.

That men is descended from monkeys.

De—?

Aw hell!

Descended. You got a father, ain’t you?

Doggone it, come on and say what you’re gitting at. I’m tired of all this here funny talk. All the time using big words. All the time talking and nobody can’t tell what it means. Sure I got a father. How you think I got here if I didn’t have no father? What you ask me that for, anyway?