Джеймс Кейн - Career in C Major and Other Fiction

’N ’a’s all?

Yes, sir.

Well Bailey, don’ min’ say’n y’ touch m’ heart. The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment, wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at?

Now Yexcellency, you’ve heard the story of this witness, I may say the truly remarkable story of this witness, which I think Yexcellency will agree had the stamp of truth all over it—

The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment...!

A story, praps I should add, that we are prepared to substantiate in every particular from the hospital records, which we will leave with Yexcellency, and I may call Yexcellency’s attention to this certificate in particular, which states that the child was at least a month old when it was admitted, and—

Now wha’s all ’is got t’ do ’th pa’don f’ Bailey?

Farms, Yexcellency.

Farmsh, ’en?

I’m coming to that, Yexcellency. Now the salient point about this evidence, Yexcellency, is that it establishes beyond any reasonable doubt in my mind that there is nowhere in existing records any proof of Farms’s citizenship. He was, I remind Yexcellency, a month old when admitted to the Coal City Hospital. And what does that prove? It proves, Yexcellency, that he might have been born almost anywhere on the whole face of the earth. He might have been born anywhere from Greenland’s icy mountains to India’s coral strand. He is, so far as documentary proof to the contrary goes, Yexcellency, that most unfortunate being, I may say that pitiable being, who can claim no land as his own, being nothing more or less, Yexcellency, as the fellow says, a man without a country!

Well, well, well. I ashk y’ f facksh, ’n now y’ begin shpout’n poetry at me. Man ’thout country, hunh? Tha’s in’st’n.

Now I remind Yexcellency once more that the crime of which Farms stands convicted is treason. And treason is unique among crimes, Yexcellency, in that before any man can be convicted of it, his citizenship must be established, beyond all shadow of doubt, because TREASON, Yexcellency, as all the AUTHORITIES agree—

Shtop yell’n!

Yes, Yexcellency — implies a ALLEGIANCE — a allegiance to the State against which it is alleged to have been committed. And under the law.

Law? Law? Y’ talk’n t’ me ’bout law?

Yes, Yexcellency, and—

Washa com’n t’ me ’bout law for? Why ’nsha go t’ court ’bout law?

We’ve been to court, Yexcellency. We applied to the Supreme Court two months ago for a new trial, on the basis of the evidence which Yexcellency has just listened to, and which, praps I should have explained sooner, was not presented at the original trial because Farms had no idea at that time of the importance of his citizenship and neglected to inform me of the peculiar circumstances attending his birth. And the court denied the application, on the ground that while this evidence, if it had been presented at the trial, might have resulted in the granting of a motion to dismiss, it could not properly be regarded as new evidence, as it is essentially evidence of lack of evidence on the part of the State, rather than direct evidence of innocence.

In other words, Yexcellency is being asked to certify that if the dog hadn’t stopped to scratch fleas he would have caught the rabbit.

Not in the least, Yexcellency—

Y’ know what? Y’ both pair pett-fogg’n lawyersh. Y’ ’sgrace t’ bar. Farmsh! C’me here. I’ll do this m’self. Sit there, where c’n see y’.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir, Governor.

A’ right, Farmsh, shpeak right up now. Y’ needn’t shtan’ ’n awe ’f me. ’M plain, blunt man ’n got heart’s big’s all outdoorsh. Washa got say f’ y’self?

Governor, all I got to say is I went out there when them miners was gathering by the creek forks just to see what was going on—

Thash shtuff! Facksh! Motivesh! Tha’s wha’ want. G’ on, Farmsh. What ’en?

And then when they marched down the road, I went along with them just for fun, and then two months afterwards, when they come and arrested me, I didn’t have no more idea what they meant than the man in the moon, and—

Now we com’n. G’ on.

And then they sent me up. And... and...

Farmsh, now I ask y’ some’n. If I was t’ set y’ free, what would y’ do ’th y’ lib’ty?

If you was to set me free, Governor, the first thing I would do would be to go to the judge and get my citizenship fixed up—

That’s great! I’ll say that’s great! There you are, Yexcellency, right out of their own mouths! First this man isn’t guilty because maybe the prawscution couldn’t have proved his citizenship. And the first thing he’s going to do if he gets a pardon is to get his citizenship fixed up! If that doesn’t—

Not at all, Yexcellency. In fact, I resent the imputation of—

Shtop! F’ God’s sake shtop! [ To the Secretary ] C’mute’ sen’ce ’mpris’nment f’ life!

What? Oh my God!

Hunh?

But, Yexcellency—

No more! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word. ’S comp’mise. ’S comp’mise, I know it’s comp’mise. But’s bes’ c’n do. Who y’ think y’ are, tak’n up my time way y’ have? Don’ min’ f m’self. ’M plain, blunt man ’n give y’ shirt off m’ back, ’f y’ need it. But my time b’longsh t’ people. Y’ und’shtan’ ’at? My time b’longsh t’ people, ’n wha’ y’ do with it? I ashk y’ f’ facksh ’n y’ come in here ’th noth’n but tech’calitiesh! Tech’calitiesh I said! Pett’fogg’n! Triffl’n detailsh! Dog! Fleash! Rabbit! Poetry! ’M done with it! ’M not g’n lis’n ’nother word!

But really, Yexcellency—

Yeah, a fine lawyer you was. First you git me sent up for ten year and now you git me sent up for life—

Yeah, and a fine thing the Coal City Volunteer Fire Department done for the country when they pulled you out of the sewer—

Wha’s ’at? Wha’s at?

I’m just trying to tell Yexcellency—

Jus’ minute, jus’ minute!.. The ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment! Wha’ y’ know ’bout ’at? So Farmsh, y’ were memb’ ol’ Coal City Vol’teer Fi’ D’pa’ment?