Barney Stinson: The Bro Code

BRO CODE FIVE!

(tear this one out and carry it with you so you'll never be left hanging…)

If Bro forgets a guy's name, he may call him "brah," "dude," or "man," but never "Bro."

When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.

If a Bro is hitting it off with a chick, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome.

You and your Bros will undoubtedly face many seemingly insurmountable challenges on your quest to score a one-night stand. Here are some techniques to make them mountable.

PROBLEM / FIX

I forgot her name / Have a Bro introduce himself and listen closely. Note: Choose your ugliest Bro.

She rejected my drink offer / Offer her breakfast in bed as an alternative. If she doesn't acquiesce, say you were kidding.

She's having a girls' night out / Identify and target the reason for the girls' night out — the recently dumped chick

The lights came on — she's ugly / Squint hard. If she asks what you're doing, say you forgot your glasses or you're just deeply concerned about the environment or something

If a Bro discovers another Bro has forgotten to sign out of his email, the Bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.

A Bro doesn't sing along to music in a bar.

EXCEPTION: A Bro may participate in karaoke.

EXCEPTION TO EXCEPTION: No chick songs.

A Bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick.

x <= y /2 + 7

x = chick's age; y — Bro's age

This formula limits crafty old-timers from scooping up all the younger hotties, while also preventing Bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagine them getting it on in his adjustable bed.

If a Bro must crash on his Bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. If he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. If he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

A "clothing optional" beach doesn't really mean "clothing optional" for Bros.

A Bro shall not kill another Bro or a Bro's chances to score with a chick.

Every Bro is endowed with a right to life and a right to pursue hot chicks. Violating either of these God-given rights is a heinous offense that could result in the strictest penalty recognized in the Bro Code: loss of permanent shotgun status.

A Bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. If another Bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fool's errand of getting up to manually change the channel.

COROLLARY: It is fully expected a Bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote, up to and including an attempt to flatulently smoke his Bro(s) out of the room.

When a Bro is with his Bros, he is not a vegetarian.

When three Bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any Bro to put his arm around another Bro to increase space. Likewise, it is unacceptable for two Bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar … a Brotorcycle.

A Bro always calls another Bro by his last name.

EXCEPTION: If a Bro's last name is also a racial epithet.

Even if he's never skied before, a Bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope.

COROLLARY: If a Bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the "conditions."

A Bro is always psyched. Always.

If you're having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, you can always make yourself a "Get Psyched" mix.

"You Give Love a Bad Name" — Bon Jovi

"I Wanna Rock" — Twisted Sister

"The Humpty Dance" — Digital Underground

"Don't Stop Believin'" — Journey

"You're the Best Around" — Joe Esposito

"Lick It Up" — KISS

"Paradise City" — Guns N' Roses

"Tom Sawyer" — Rush

"The Transformers Theme" — Vince DiCola with Optimus Prime

"Dancing with Myself" — Billy Idol

"Rock You Like a Hurricane" — Scorpions

"Come Sail Away" — Styx

"Free Bird" (second half only) — Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Panama" — Van Halen

"Jessie's Girl" — Rick Springfield

"Talk Dirty to Me" — Poison

"Thunderstruck" — AC/DC

"High Enough" — Damn Yankees

"Hip Hop Hooray" — Naughty By Nature

"Dr. Feelgood" — Motley Crue

"Round and Round" — Ratt

Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It," which, I guess, two Bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least not very often.

If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Browling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself

If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.

In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.

□ Converted sufficient funds to singles in the local currency.

□ Hid ATM and credit cards deep in wallet yet still accessible in case of rare "twins" scenario.

□ Got drunk.

□ Planted fake "movie producer" business cards on person where they might "accidentally" fall out into cleavage of dancer(s).

□ Pledged to avoid dancers with names like Smokey, Hepatitia, and Thunder.