Pieter Hintjens - The Psychopath Code - Cracking the Predators That Stalk Us

There are some scary people around. People who take what they want, using their charm and wits. Con artists. Professional liars. They take from friends, colleagues, family and strangers alike. They never apologize or feel remorse towards the people they hurt. They often have criminal careers. We call them by many names. Narcissist. Anti-social. Sociopath. CEO. And more and more, we call them Psychopath.

Psychopaths raise so many questions. What is wrong with these people? Maybe they had cold and distant parents. Maybe they suffered abuse as children? Maybe they have something broken in them, a chemical imbalance, or evil demons. Or the next stage in humanity’s evolution. A new race of superhumans, perhaps? Can we identify them? Can we learn to spot them in our homes and streets? What is going on in their minds? Are they aware of the damage they do? Do they sleep well at night? How do we survive them? How can such horrible people exist? Am I one of them?

Luckily, there are good answers, which lift the dread mystery from psychopathy. This was my goal with this book: to decode the psychopathic mind and write a manual for the rest of us. The material is based on my experiences and those of many others. It has been tested in real life, and it seems to work. Having said that, please note the following section.

The author is not a psychiatric or medical professional. The author does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any techniques as a form of treatment for physical or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intention of the author is to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional or spiritual well-being. In the event that you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your right, the author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions. None of the suggestions included in this book are intended to replace the care of a physician or to interfere with a diagnosis, prescribed medicines or therapies.

If you’re reading this book to get help with a difficult situation in your life, start here. I’m going to explain the key lessons in a short summary.

You will need to realize several things. The first is, are you the victim of psychological abuse? It is rarely overt. The bruises tend to be mental, not physical. An abusive relationship is disguised in lies, the ones your abuser tells you, and the ones you tell yourself. That makes it hard to see clearly.

Let’s start with your feelings. Are you often sad, depressed, even suicidal? Do you feel empty and worthless? Have you bent your life to the other person’s needs? Do you take blame for the failures, and do you keep trying to fix things? Do you feel you might be crazy? Do you feel burnt-out? Are you lonely, and have you lost old friends and relations? Do you drink a little too much?

If you’re nodding to this list, you are probably in an abusive relationship. It is far more common than you realize. I’d estimate 10% to 20% of people are in abusive relationships at any point in time. It can be hard to recognize, admit, deal with, both for victims and for their friends and family.

Next, let’s examine the relationship that is stressing you. Did it start "perfect" and then turn into a nightmare over time? Is it marked by sudden, unexpected crises? Is it characterized by extreme emotions? Is there verbal or physical violence? Have you invested everything in the relationship, with little in return? Has it become the only relationship that matters, over-shadowing friends and family? Are you unable to imagine any alternatives?

These are the signs of the abusive bond. If this describes your situation, then you are under attack. Assume the person doing this is a psychopath, with or without formal diagnosis. We’ll come to a detailed diagnosis later. What matters now is to recognize your situation, and how you are being attacked. It may seem random, yet it is systematic. The goal is to confuse and isolate you, strip you of your assets, then destroy and discard you. The violence is just part of that.

If this does not describe your situation, then you can skip the rest of this section.

Now, take a fresh look at the other person. If you are facing a psychopath, it can be impossible to see their real nature. You must look sideways, and by reflection off other people. Do you see someone who cares for others, or someone who cares for themselves? Do they make quiet, careful plans, or are they chaotic? Do they save and invest, or are their finances in a mess? Are they surrounded by happy people, or by a cloud of stressed, obsessed followers? Do they have a solid professional and social history, or is their past a blank mystery?

When you come to the decision, "I am the victim of an abusive psychopath," then you are halfway to the door. You will be tempted to flee, and when you talk about your realization with others, they will tell you to get away. In common culture, "psychopath" means "serial killer."

In reality "psychopath" means the slow draining of your life force, like a vampire sucking you dry over weeks, even years. There can be physical violence, yet it’s mostly insignificant compared to the psychological damage. This means if you leave, you take your damage with you.

Here is my overall strategy: patience, observation, and the slow turning of the relationship around. From victim and enabler, you become an immovable force that recognizes and blocks the psychopath’s many attacks. You slowly disable your abuser, and in doing this you regain your power. Finally you end the relationship on your own terms, a whole person.

Sometimes you can just tell an abusive person, "it is over, do not contact me again." Yet often it requires force and time to break the relationship.

The law tends to ignore psychological abuse between adults. Most psychopaths are careful to leave no evidence. The police and courts tend to be cynical about "he said, she said" accusations. And no matter what you say, a psychopath will always have a better lie. This is how cults can operate in broad daylight.

So you cannot make verbal accusations. Indeed, it will tend to work against you. When it comes to wars of words, psychopaths are powerful. Instead, be patient and collect material evidence. There are ways to provoke a psychopath into doing and saying self-destructive things.

When you confront a psychopath, or even change your behavior slightly, the response is usually more abuse. You will be terrified, and hurt. You will want things to be "normal," and parts of you will be screaming, "don’t provoke him, it’ll only make things worse!"

This is the point when many people give up and return to their abusers. It is easier to accept than to fight back in pain. Yet to accept abuse is to die a slow death.

From experience we see that most threats are bluff and bluster. Predators are fragile. They cannot survive exposure. They will snarl and bully, yet confronted with real resistance and the risk of wider sanctions, they mostly back off.

Learn the laws that cover abuse and harassment. Make friends with your local police. Learn the types of reports you can file. Does violent language count as abuse? Or do you need bruises and a medical certificate? Are you legally allowed to record phone calls and conversations? Do your research.

If you share property, a business, or children, do contact a lawyer. The police will give you the address of your local victim support groups. If you are in a difficult domestic situation, a psychologist who specializes in abuse victims will help as you fight your way out of the relationship. Whether you’re a man or a woman, asking for help to fight an abuser is no shame.