Barney Stinson - The Bro Code

3. How many chicks has he banged?

Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a Bro never answers. the third question. If, however, a Bro feels compelled to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:

n = ( a /10 + s ) 0+ 5

n = number of chicks

a = Bro's age

s = inquiring chick's slut factor (1 = nun, 10 = former nun)

Wften asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "I got it," whether or not he's actually got it.

EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.

If a Bro should accidentally strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.

A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.

If you can't get a Bro to scope out your blind date beforehand, there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she'll be — have her choose the date venue.

SHE SUGGESTS… — PROMISCUITY — SHE'LL BE…

Dance Club — 10— Scantily clad, sweaty, and impossible to hear 1 over the music. A+

Drinks at a Bar — 7— A lot of fun, or emotionally unstable… promising either way.

Fancy Restaurant — 3— Boring. If she expects someone to "pepper her salad" and "refold her napkin," it stands to reason shell be pretty lifeless in the bedroom.

Meet the Parents — 1— Untouchable. But, maybe her mom isn't.

Miniature Golf — 5— Way too competitive, or a lesbian… and not the hot kind of lesbian.

Church — 0or 10— Looking for marriage, or looking to sin it up before confession. Toss up.

A Bro is not required to remember another Bro's birthday, though a phone call every now and again probably wouldn't kill him.

Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Patty's Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13).

Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a Bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.

A Bro is required to alert another Bro if the Bro/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, to avoid Broflation, a Bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that Bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

A Bro doesn't grow a mustache.

EXCEPTION: When shaving, it's more than okay for a Bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth until the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.

EXCEPTION: Tom Selleck.

A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive.

Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You've Been Bros) x $100

A Bro shall honor thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.

If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.

Chicks seem to think annual events other than Mardi Gras, the NFL Draft, and the day the swimsuit edition comes out are worthy of celebration. I don't know why, either, but I do know if you become involved with a woman for more than the occasional toss in the hay (which is expressly not advised), you'll need to be able to recall certain days of the year with relative accuracy.

In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they 're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spellhas dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo [9] Rock, paper, scissors for Bros. shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there.

A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.

Brotectionforms a central pillar — or, more accurately, a latex coating for the central pillar — of the Bro way of life. While a Bro is not legally or fiscally responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it's not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease, many of which can last an entire lifetime, like when a Bro contracts children.

In the event that one Bro finds himself lacking the prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect another Bro to use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. When a Bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his Bro will discontinue all present activity (except the act of coitus itself — whereby the Bro vows to finish as quickly as possible), in order to respond with a panoply of options at the Bro in need's location. A Bro must utilize the most rapid method ol transportation available while endeavoring to assist his Bro. In no instance may a bicycle [10] Unless a bicycle is the only form of transportation available, like in Southeast Asia or Arkansas or something. be used as this is not only humiliating but also potentially harmful to the perineum — a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to the sexual organs. In the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary Bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. However, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation arc the responsibility of the secondary Bro alone as this is an instance of Quid Pro Bro. Upon arrival at the primary Bro's location, the secondary Bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary Bro's "flow," or Brojo.Once the primary Bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the Brocedureis deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, high five. Tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be mentioned again, unless it's part of an awesome story.