Barney Stinson - The Bro Code

DID YOU KNOW…

Article 1 can trace its genesis all the way back to Genesis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of the Bro Code.

BOOK OF BARNABAS 1:1

And everything of need was provided in the Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets. Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.

A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.

NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, "Dude, come on." If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would Ve been like, "Dude, come on." If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Motley.Crue, people would have been like, "Lady, come on." The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.

If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article.

A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason. .. no, not even that reason.

NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math.

Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is — a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. [5] Psst — hey, guys! I put this in really small type at the bottom since we all know men have much better vision than women. Ignore the above — the Bro Code is definitely not a piece of fiction. I was simply lying to uphold this very article. Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

A Bro shall not lolly gag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

COROLLARY: If a Bro gets naked in the locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: "If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes."

A Bro never admits he can't drive stick. Even after an accident.

A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassionthat succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.

SYMPATHY

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Dude

Sorry, Bro.

CONGRATULATIONS

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Bro!

Nice, Bro!

GET WELL SOON

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Bro…

Don't give up, Bro.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Bro…

Drinks on me, Bro.

THINKING OF YOU

To: N/A

From: N/A

Subject: N/A

N/A

Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme three!" or "Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball." It's still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls. .. metaphorically speaking, of course.

A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

"Maybe try a side salad instead."

"Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!"

"She looks like a younger you."

"I will finance a boob job."

"Sorry I threw out your shoes."

"Your sister let me do that."

A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are — in most cases, stuck in a doorway.

Bros do not share dessert.

All Bros shall dub one of their Bros his wingman.

If a chick inquires about another Bro's sexual history, a Bro shall honor the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.

A Bro never dances with his hands above his head.

A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series, and Playmate of the Year.

A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the Pyramid of Screaming.

America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can't just scream at anybody… you can only scream at those beneath you. To illustrate how it works, here's the Scream Pyramid for a professional football team:

It's no different inside the office, as exemplified by my own corporate Scream Pyramid:

Here is a blank Scream Pyramid for you to fill in. If you're not sure where you fit, you can always trick a Broworkerinto screaming at someone and then see where the pieces fall. That's how I figured out I was above the VP of Synergy.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you find yourself at the bottom, don't fret. The beauty of the pyramid is that you can always add a layer to the foundation. The janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man, or anyone who doesn't speak English is a great place to start.