Barney Stinson: The Bro Code

A Bro doesn't comparison shop.

When on the prowl, a Bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.

1. Half-Asian Chicks — ↑2 — Multiethnic? Multryesnic!

2. Lebanese Girls — ↓1 — Leba please girls!

3. Politician's Daughters — ↓1 — Daddy's issues ≠ Daddy's issues

4. Mute Women — ↔ — One thing's for sure: they are handy

5. Eighties Music Video Chicks — ↑112 — Crawled over a Corvette hood into the top ten

6. Really Tall Chicks — ↑4 — Can reach the ceiling fan… from the bed

7. Mermaids — ↔ — Wet. Wild. Wonderful.

8. Chicks Raised in a Cult — ↑883 — Guaranteed crazy factor

9. Army Chicks — ↓4 — Drop and give us something… please!

10. Girls on Rollerblades — ↓4 — Too fast, too furious

A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to get married until he's t least thirty.

When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball… rebounding is optional.

Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's threeway.

A Bro never rents a chick flick.

When questioned in the company of women, a Bro always decries fake breasts.

When in conversation with a woman, fake breasts may arise, but not in the way that you'd like. It's not uncommon for a woman to deftly use trick questions in order to probe a Bro's real thoughts on the subject of breast augmentation. [6] Bigger = better And don't be fooled into thinking your prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form can get you out of it.

BAD

Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

Bro: Totally. Unnatural is un sexy.

Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?

BAD

Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

Bro: Whose?

Chick: You know who I'm talking about.

Bro: Oh. Yes, those must be fake.

Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?

BAD

Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

Bro: No?

Chick: Well, then, why don't you just go marry her, then???

OK

Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.

Bro: I wouldn't know.

Chick: Oh. Well, they are.

A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they're not that heavy.

Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.

When a Bro gets a chick's number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

Q: I'm confused — if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn't that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?

A: Broflation— an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn't wait ninety-six little hours.

Q: Okay, I've waited ninety-six hours. When's the best time of day to call?

A: Call during the middle of the day. You'll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you'll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM — late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.

Q: I 've always heard you wait three days? Why does the Bro Code specify four?

A: If you've always heard that a Bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make a chick feel special.

Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."

A Bro never cries.

EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire. [7] Applies only to the first time he retires.

Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

Step 1: Interlocking hand clasp

Step 2: Lean torsos together, maintaining safe groin perimeter

Step 3: One pat on the back

A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.

A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.

EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.

A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

1. Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.

2. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.

3. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: zipper.

4. It's a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? [8] Trick question. Bros don't watch ballet

5. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.

If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the Bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.

A Bro never wears pink

Not even in Europe.

A Bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged.

COROLLARY: A Bro also never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.

When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants to know:

1. How much money does he make?

2. Is he shorter than her?